G'day A.J. Mahari here with try number eight because of fire alarms and stuff
um are you with somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder have you been or have you been with somebody
with borderline personality or did you just start dating someone and you know
they have borderline personalities or they just told you and but you haven't
been devoured yet you think okay and are you working as hard as you possibly can
to make this relationship work whether it's a brand new one
you know just recent one or whether it's been weeks months years here's the thing
that you really need to know if you're someone who is in a relationship or was
in a relationship with someone with vpu you just got discarded you just got
ghosted or you're in this on off-again type relationship or you you were
ghosting and discarded and now you're in this world of hurt that is undescribable
and I always feel like when I'm commenting back to climbers on the
channel you know like I can't convey enough how much I empathize and words on
a screen don't convey the agony that's being talked about by so many who happy
peeny they have their own agony yes fair enough and people on the other side of
those of BPD who've been in these relationships what am I here to tell you
today they are untenable relationships they do not work
what are you risking if you're in a relationship with somebody with BPD
yourself what does that look like what does that mean well your mental health
your physical health your sense of peace and well-being your self-esteem
everything about who you are or and lots of people do have codependency so
they've had adverse childhood experience not to the degree of those of BPD but so
maybe you know yourself pretty well but there are areas where you're gonna find
out more on the other side of so many of BPD in a relationship but that more that
you're gonna find out as I've had thousands of
I'm working with so many right now in that position right now that more is
gonna be too much and it's gonna feel like it's breaking you some people are a
little more resilient on the other side after these relationships rupture and
roi the on-again off-again and all of these different scenarios that can
present but the agony on the other side of having been with or loving someone or
still caring and loving you know it's so caring about and loving someone with BPD
after the relationship has ended or they've ended it and you don't know if
they're ever gonna come back the agony of that I don't know how many people but
thousands if not more people when they're put in this position and they
may know something about it or may not have before they started looking around
and because they're suffering so badly after a breakup or even during what
you're off on again off again here's my point people lose themselves people's
mental health breaks down people who don't have BP your mental health can
break down you lose yourself it is a world of hurt that I don't have enough
adjectives to describe I had a part of myself I mean I recovered fully from BP
in 1995 and I keep saying that to make that point it's not about me it's the
point about the reality that people BPD can recover but that it takes so much to
get there and lots of people are on the way and because some people think
they're there before they're there and then some people even with BP you think
I'm full of you know what well that's okay too but the point is if you think
that you are that person that can rescue save and fix that person of BP in your
life if you think you just love them so much you can't live without them
guess what there's more you need to know about yourself because you are setting
yourself up for a world of hurt and a lot of people after the fact that these
relationships rupturing and no closure no resolution what happened here I don't
know they want to take their own lives and in fact some do and these are people
who would never have felt this way and in many cases
attempted that and in sadly in too many cases completed that and I have clients
right now as I've always had over the years who are just hanging on by their
fingernails after these types of relationships do they have their own
issues from childhood yes but even people who are pretty mentally
healthy and stable after relationship with somebody the PPE and the ways in
which they end and what you've been through in them find themselves in
places they've never known before broken down places I don't they don't know who
they are anymore they're hurting like you know what the
obsessive thinking the addiction of this type of unhealthy bonded news and it's
like so if somebody is just dating somebody it was a question on my channel
I'm on the videos earlier you're just dating somebody or PPE and you know that
they have BPD but you have been devalue yet my question is do you realize what
you're risking if you don't stop right now
if you don't just end that right now and take care of yourself so I'm not
somebody who's vilifying people with BPD I'm not here to vilify people with BPD
I'm here to say they have a world to her to their own but that they are not going
to be able to relate in the healthy ways the mutual reciprocal you know
reciprocity mutuality of what it means to love like an adult in a relatively
healthy space and consistent way and anything sure of that
it's not good enough for you okay and you need to think about yourself that
way not in some aggrandized or narcissistic way but you need to value
yourself enough to say wow you know like why am i letting somebody treat me this
way or after the fact not why did I do that someone treat me that way but what
was it what what more do I need to understand about myself as to how that
happened and maybe why you went through or how
more so than y-you you just kept blowing through stop signs and red flags what
what is it you need to know more about yourself so that you can take better
care of yourself and I'm sorry there's a phone ringing I can't get to right now
because it's just never end today always who's gonna say that I was justice
videos it when your walk away from the video but I hope I don't have to edit it
I'm sorry ringers and I tried eight times to make a video prior today but
they were doing fire alarm testing so the night goes on but anyways back to my
point I hope you know sorry for the little you know but back to my point
which is that people lose their own mental health people who are otherwise
relatively mentally healthy maybe have some codependency or maybe you've spent
too much empathy maybe have some some things I don't want to say issues but
you know things from your own childhood because because none of us are perfect
right but what we really need what people really need to learn out there is
that on the other side of people with BPD you're sacrificing limits and
boundaries you're sacrificing yourself you're abandoning yourself people with
BPD have you as an actor in their movie if I could put it that way because it
object creations and what they're doing and they don't know they're doing this
but they will when they're triggered to emotional dysregulation they will see
you as as I've said before but the object other representation if it's good
parent your idealized if it's bad parent your splits all bad you might be given a
silencer you may be being raged at and the thing is so you are in that regard
you're gonna sacrifice yourself or you already have you're gonna be hurting
unbelievably your mental health and physical health can really start to
deteriorate if you keep being over your limits
trying to rescue or help or even loving care about some NPP that is not
returning that in any way but the opposite of that and and and what
they're doing is coming from their own adverse childhood experiences and
arrested emotional development but the thing is there's no meaning in the
middle there there's no mutuality it's not healthy it
can be compelling yes there's many ways people get addicted and people but then
after the relationship ruptures you're discarded or ghosted or maybe even you
leave them but like it but only get up again you tried to just people sort of
need to realize that there are boundaries that you need to find you
don't want to be the actor in a life with somebody with borderline
personality because you're not I'm not saying they're all acting but but maybe
they're trying to do as if till they can find their way through things but you
don't want to be an actor in the movie that is their chaotic pain field
emotional rested child like a lot of the times when triggered lives or ways in
which they try to relate that are very not healthy very not consistently stable
stable adult type of relating like I said so many people after these
relationships who do not have major mental illness whatever that means or
any diagnoseable anything they want to take their lives and I work with so many
clients where it's been really touch-and-go
and it's really hard for them to hang on and the way that people especially with
what codependency really means people then feel like everything was their
fault they could have done this they should have said that what if you didn't
say that what if you didn't get angry that one time when they were like you
know you're so far over your limits and what they were asking for or demanding
from you or projecting out at you or accusing you up ages more than any mere
mortal could ever make sense out of or understand or possibly cope with so I
think people sometimes saying to that you know it's like their
failure if they don't you know they have to stay in the relationship and make it
work somehow and rescue this person and you can't do that but people think well
maybe I can because what's the alternative and that's where a lot of
people are trapped in this place where they have some healing work to do on
their own from their childhoods and and they and you might be one of those
people and you kind of like one avoid AK because people do avoid pain right and
I'm not saying that I'm any different except where I've learned maybe the hard
way and over many more years that when pain is upon us when you know I tend to
be a realist and I tend to just take the pain of the realization and follow that
through because I know that going that way what what is the most difficult
choice to make whether person has BPD or you're on the other side some with BPD
or it's on its off you don't know what's going on here you're just in that
tortured place of its owner it's ruptured and you don't know what just
happened you can't figure it out you can't stop obsessively thinking about
them you can't sleep you're not eating properly you're losing weight or some
people are they're gaining weight and your health is just being pummeled and
where are you for you when you've been obliterated and and this is dangerous
territory being and I think a lot of people without realizing you just think
they're they can handle this then it'll be okay somehow oh now what it's just I
apologize but I don't know where that bone is anyways I'm just gonna finish
here bones before it was fire alarms by saying we'll wait a minute that thing's
never gonna stop
I'll make sure they're all close to me here so that that doesn't happen again
so I can just finish this video a video today period sorry about that so my main
message here just to reiterate in summary is people sacrifice themselves
to people with BPD you become an actor in their life you become an actor in
their life in which you are expecting one thing from the relationship they're
a different place they have arrested emotional development they can attach
they do not know how to love consistently like adults and you can't
really hang around and wait for somebody of BPD to change and to grow or to heal
or to get recovery because or recover because according to John Gunderson you
know the average time of actual recovery from benign personality takes between 6
and 16 years and I would like to stress it's more like 8 to 10 to 12 if not the
16 years if people are even going to get there and lots of people are making lots
of strides but you have to know yourself better or what's healthy is for you is
to take care of yourself to know yourself and what what many people who
are with people with BPD don't tend to know about themselves for whatever the
constellations of reasons from your adverse childhood experience to a lesser
degree or emotionally unavailable parent or being perentie fide is you don't lots
of clients I work with most don't realize that they didn't realize the
boundaries that they needed the ways in which they needed to take care of their
psyche and their spirit and their soul and their emotional well-being and their
mental health and their physical health don't let yourself become a statistic of
agony because that's what happens to people who stay in relationships and
begin stay in that actor role in a borderlines life thinking that they're
actually going to be able to return to you any mana CIM of reasonable healthy
adult consistent adult relating because they're not able to and that's the
reality that people are faced with facing
and many people are trying to avoid their own pain and it is painful if you
decide to end a relationship and it is even more painful when they decide to
discard to goes to punish to not even explain to not sit because they don't
know what to tell you anyway probably often and they don't understand what
they're doing in terms of they they don't have self reference they don't
have other reference and you would be that other in that self versus other
people need to heed betrayals and being treated poorly and raging and acting out
or people that act in with PPD that can't talk to you all of a sudden and
this over neediness that they have that pulls you out of you and more toward
being geared trying to rescue or help them it's not healthy and you're gonna
end up you know in an agony that maybe you can't imagine yet or maybe you're
right there now today maybe you've been there and you are recovering maybe you
are it was a while ago now and you've been there and you've gotten through it
but if people don't heed this message this is an incredibly ridiculous video
with the blood phone so please heed the message think about that and I'm going
to quit while I'm behind it's you know ones best interest to be on the other
side of somebody with BPD take care