I've done a lot of dumb things
in my life.
Probably dumbest thing I ever
did is I went skydiving.
Anyone here ever been
skydiving?
[Audience Clapping]
Couple of you.
Yeah.
Neither of you
would need to know this but,
there's a weight limit.
Did you know that?
[Audience Laughing]
Yeah, I did not—
I didn't know.
I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even want to go
skydiving,
but my friends had pot.
[Audience Laughing]
I showed up.
[Audience Laughing]
First thing you do when you
skydive is you have to
sign paperwork that
basically says that if you die,
you won't sue.
[Audience Laughing]
I'm not a smart man, but
that doesn't seem
like a good deal.
[Audience Laughing]
I don't get to sign though,
because as soon as I walk in,
the lady behind the counter
looks at me and goes,
“Excuse me,
“could you get on the scale?”
[Audience Laughing]
I'm like, what?
She goes, “Just get on the scale
“Standard procedure.”
Nobody else had to do it.
[Audience Laughing]
In front of everybody,
I walk up, I step on a scale.
She comes up with her
clipboard, looks and goes,
“Close enough.”
[Audience Laughing]
Close enough?
[Audience Laughing]
We're jumping out of
an airplane.
[Audience Laughing]
I don't need my chute going—
[Blows Air]
[Audience Laughing]
She's like,
“Don't worry about it.
“Go out back.”
We were out in Long Island,
which if you ever go there,
they don't do things
by the book.
[Audience Laughing]
I went up for my safety
instructions.
It was a guy with a
purple Mohawk
blasting Bon Jovi at full blast.
And I like the song,
so I didn't hear a word he said.
[Audience Laughing]
I walked out and saw a guy go,
(Singing) “We gotta hold on,
“ready or not.
“Alright.
“Get on the plane.”
I was like—
[Audience Laughing]
I missed everything.
[Audience Laughing]
I see a line form.
I figure that's what we're doing
Everybody's in line
so I stand in.
And as I'm standing there,
I see guys come out
and these guys have
the parachutes.
And they drop them
on your feet,
they look you up and down,
they hit you on the shoulder,
you get on the plane.
I'm the last one.
So as I'm standing there,
a guy comes out with
a parachute,
drops it on my feet,
hits me on the shoulder
and goes,
“You're way too fat to jump
“out of this plane.”
[Audience Laughing]
You're too fat to jump out—
too fat to jump—
Look, I know I'm built more for
a lazy river tube ride.
[Audience Laughing]
But too fat to fall?
[Audience Laughing]
That goes against
everything I know.
[Audience Laughing]
He goes, “I'm the jump master.
“My rules.”
I was fine with leaving.
[Audience Laughing]
I didn't even want to be there
in the first place.
So I start walking away.
My friends are on the plane,
and they want me
on the plane.
So my one friend sticks
his head out in front of
everybody at the airport
and yells,
“Hey,
“didn't we used to parachute
“tanks out of planes
“in World War II?”
[Audience Laughing]
There's about to be a fight.
[Audience Laughing]
I start walking toward
that plane.
The lady who let me through,
sees this all happen.
So she comes running out.
She's like, “Sir, I feel so bad.
“I tell you what, I'll give you
“and your friends a full refund,
“and...
“I know another place down
“the street,
“they let fat people jump.”
[Audience Laughing]
My friends are like,
“Let's go.
”Operation dumbo drop.”
[Audience Laughing]
We go to this next place.
I'm telling you, it's horrible.
It's a gravel driveway.
There's a little card table
with a guy who looks like
Tony Soprano.
You hand Tony 300 bucks,
and he goes,
“Get on the plane.”
[Audience Laughing]
That was it.
I didn't feel safe,
but I did it.
[Audience Laughing]
I hand him the money
and I start walking
toward the plane.
I'm going to tell you what I saw
then I'm going to tell you what
happened.
What I saw was
I hand the money,
I turn, and I see a guy starting
the airplane.
I'm not judging him,
but he was missing part of
his hand.
[Audience Laughing]
And he's there going—
[Engine Sounds]
And I'm waiting for a little kid
to come out with
a remote control, like—
[Audience Laughing]
That's what I saw.
Now what happened
was I hand the money
and I start walking
toward the plane.
My friend's girlfriend is going,
“When's the plane take off?”
I go, I don't know.
“Well, when are you jumping?”
I don't know.
“I want to take a picture.
“How do I know when to take
“your picture?”
I go, apparently,
when the sun's blocked.
[Audience Laughing]
I'll be on my way.
[Audience Laughing]
We get on this plane.
I'm telling you, this—
I sit down a defeated man.
This was a while ago.
I lost
a lot of weight since then.
I was a lot bigger back then.
I weighed 250.
I'm only 248 now—
[Audience Laughing]
Yeah, you wouldn't even
recognize me back then.
I was—
But I sit down, defeated,
and I look over at my friend.
My friend's a stereotypical
Long Island guy.
Got the spiky hair,
skin-tight shirt.
Goes, “Yeah, bro.
“Can't wait to jump, bro.
“It's going to be awesome,
“bro.”
I sit down and
that's when I'm defeated.
And all of a sudden it
dawns on me,
I don't have a parachute.
[Audience Laughing]
I look over at him.
He doesn't have one.
So I figure he knows what's
happening.
I act calm.
[Audience Laughing]
Hey,
where's the parachute?
He's like, “Don't worry about it
“bro.
“We jump in tandem.”
[Audience Laughing]
I don't know what that means.
[Audience Laughing]
“When you jump tandem,
“it means there's
“another dude.
“He's tied to your back.
“He got the parachute.”
[Audience Laughing]
I don't like the sound of that.
[Audience Laughing]
He goes, “Don't worry.”
I look out the window.
I see a guy coming toward
the plane,
and he's in a full Spandex suit
carrying this parachute.
I know this is my guy.
[Audience Laughing]
But he gets on the plane.
He takes one look at me—
250 in a bowling shirt.
Looks at my buddy.
You can see his nipples
through his Ed Hardy T-shirt.
[Audience Laughing]
I don't exist anymore.
He pushes me out of the way.
He's like, “Hi, I'm Duncan.
“I'll be your jump instructor.”
I was like, get him, Duncan.
[Audience Laughing]
Duncan gets down behind him.
He starts putting straps
on his shoulders, but my
friend's homophobic,
so he takes the straps
off of his shoulders.
This goes on for
three minutes.
I hit him. I go, Dunc,
forget about the straps.
You just hold him real close.
[Audience Laughing]
You guys are going to be fine.
[Audience Laughing]
Plane takes off.
I'm telling you,
we're in the air.
They open the window,
the, the doors,
and the wind’s whipping
around. [Blowing]
My guy yells,
“Alright, everyone up.”
And when I stood up,
I heard him go,
“Ooh.
[Audience Laughing]
“You're a big boy, aren't you?”
[Audience Laughing]
I get it.
I'm fat.
We've covered this.
He goes, “You're not fat.
“You're short.
“Your weight, it pulls on
“my back.
“It hurts when we walk.
“We're first to jump.
“So what I need you to do
“is get down on all fours.”
[Audience Laughing]
You've got to be kidding me.
He goes, “No, we're first. Go.”
So in front of everybody
on this plane,
I get down on all fours
and crawl with a man strapped
to my back.
[Audience Laughing]
So he's there like,
“Just couple more feet, sir.”
[Audience Laughing]
We hit the edge of this plane.
I'm telling you,
I'm looking death
in the face.
[Audience Laughing]
I'm three pieces of cloth
from being in a committed
relationship.
[Audience Laughing]
And that's when I realize,
they're videotaping this.
[Audience Laughing]
There is a man with a
a video camera
in my face
taping the whole time.
[Audience Laughing]
I didn't want that video.
[Audience Laughing]
My friends bought the video.
[Audience Laughing]
They played it in front
of my father—
[Audience Laughing]
—at Thanksgiving.
[Audience Laughing]
There's nothing worse than
seeing you and another man
crunched up together.
He looks right into the camera
and goes—
[Audience Laughing]
high fives Duncan,
points back to the camera
and goes—
[Audience Laughing]
and I scream like a little girl.
[Screams]
We must have weighed a lot
because we went out and
the plane and shot up
400 yards.
[Audience Laughing]
And as you're falling,
you see how big the world is.
You realize how small we are.
Life comes into perspective.
I've never felt this good
about life
until I heard the
instructor yell,
“Do you remember your
“instructions?”
[Audience Laughing]
No!
He goes, “Don't worry.
“It'll all come back to you.
“1, 2, 3..”
I’m like (Sings) We got to hold
on—
[Audience Laughing]
Oh, he was mad.
[Audience Laughing]
This guy had to pull the chute
for me.
So he reaches over,
he rips the chute,
chute goes flying up.
I have no idea your weight,
his weight
come down to two straps
located right here.
[Audience Laughing]
You probably prepared.
Papa bear didn't properly
[Audience Laughing]
move or tuck.
So,
my video looked like this—
[Audience Laughing]
Drool shoots out.
[Audience Laughing]
I then blacked out.
[Audience Laughing]
Everybody else's video,
you can hear them going,
“I can see my house.”
I'm—
[Audience Laughing]
We're like 100 yards
from the ground.
He shakes me awake.
I get up, he goes,
“When we hit the ground,
“I'm going to yell one of
“two things.
“I'm going to yell slide,
“I want you put your feet up,
“slide right into a landing
“or I'm going to yell run,
“which means run.”
He goes, “You ready?”
I go ready.
He goes, “Run!”
I go—
[Yelling]
[Audience Laughing]
By the time we got
to the ground, it was just—
[Audience Laughing]
He landed on top of me.
After watching that video,
I realized I need to lose
some weight.
[Audience Laughing]