♪♪ ♪♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WHOO!
WHOO!
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
>> Jon: YAY!
>> Stephen: JON, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE, I GOT THE CARDS.
I'M TALKING TO OUR TIER FRIEND ANDERSON COOPER IS HERE TONIGHT.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ANDERSON COOPER 360.
BABY BLUES.
HE MAY NOT EVEN KNOW THIS.
THIS IS A RED LETTER NIGHT.
THIS IS ANDERSON COOPER'S TENTH APPEARANCE ON "THE LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S AMAZING.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
HE GETS A FREE HOAGIE.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT TO PUNCH HIS CARD.
REMIND ME TO PUNCH HIS CARD BEFORE HE LEAVES, ELSE IT'S NOT
VALID.
CAN'T GIVE HIM THE SANDWICH IF HE LEAVES.
IT'S THE WEEKEND.
YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE IN THE BAND GOT ANY GIGS COMING UP?
>> Jon: GLOBAL CITIZENS FEST.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH!
THIS WEEKEND!
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT THING.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: WHO ALL IS PLAYING.
>> Jon: WE ALL ARE.
>> Stephen: WHO ELSE WILL YOU BE PLAYING WITH OTHER PEOPLE OR
ARE YOU GOING TO DO YOUR OWN SET.
>> Jon: WE'RE GOING TO DO OUR SET, PERFORMANCES WITH CINDY
LAUPER, LESLIE KARA, CHRIS MARTIN.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> Jon: I THINK THERE'S A GREAT INTRO WE'RE ACTUALLY
CREATING WITH PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE WORLD PLAYING AT THE SAME
TIME.
>> Stephen: ON THE GREAT LAWN.
>> Jon: GREAT LAWN.
>> Stephen: CENTRAL PARK.
>> Jon: SATURDAY.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ON THE WEATHER.
>> Jon: YEAH.
YES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BECAUSE THE LAST
TIME YOU AND I WERE TOGETHER ON THE GREAT LAWN WAS FOR THE "WE
LOVE NEW YORK" CONCERT COMING BACK.
AT THE TIME, IT WAS THE HIGHEST HOURLY SINGLE RAINFALL IN THE
HISTORY OF NEW YORK THAT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE A GREAT SHOW AND BRING
SCUBA GEAR.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YES, INDEED IS THAT
TRUE STORY.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PORING
OVER THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL NAUTICAL RECORDS TO
DETERMINE THE ROUGH POSITIONS OF THE DAY'S TRENDING SHIPWRECKS.
I THEN USE THE LATEST SONAR TECH TO LOCATE AND FIND THE
ORIENTATION OF THE FINEST SALVAGE SITE.
THEN MY TEAM OF CERTIFIED AND LICENSED COMEDY DIVERS DESCEND
TO THE OCEAN FLOOR AND USE CUTTING EDGE UNDERWATER CAMERAS
TO STITCH TOGETHER THE DETAILED 3D-MODELED HISTORIC ATOSHA
SHIPWRECK SITE OF SATIRICAL OBSERVATIONS THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP NAKED BY THE DOCKS AND
COVERED IN PIRATE TATTOOS, BLAST A STRING OF WHIPPETS, THEN
STAGGER INTO THE FESTERING HUDSON RIVER, WHERE I SLOWLY
SINK THROUGH THE MURK UNTIL I IMPALE MYSELF ON THE RUSTY AXLE
OF A SUNKEN TAXI IN THE TETANUS-LACED CRIME SCENE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT WAS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER.
BUT THAT'S WHAT "MEANWHILE!" GIVES YOU.
MEANWHILE, GRAB YOUR LOVED ONES AND MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH THE
LORD, BECAUSE IT'S PUMPKIN SPICE SEASON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PUMPKIN SPICE IS EVERYWHERE THIS
YEAR, FROM PUMPKIN SPICE RAVIOLI, TO BUD LIGHT PUMPKIN
SPICE SELTZER, TO THE ULTIMATE TRAVESTY, PUMPKIN SPICE
CUP-O-NOODLES.
THE PERFECT BLEND OF "AUTUMN" AND "I DON'T GET PAID TILL
FRIDAY."
IF FOOD ISN'T YOUR THING, TRY A PUMPKIN SPICE-SCENTED FACE MASK.
IT HAS NOTES OF NUTMEG, CINNAMON, AND WHATEVER YOU ATE
FOR LUNCH.
MEANWHILE, THIS VIDEO IS GOING VIRAL OF A LITTLE BOY WHO DIDN'T
WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL, SO HE TOOK MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS.
>> Stephen: DO NOT PLAY ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS WITH HIS
KID!
AND THAT IS CLEARLY NOT HIS FIRST TIME DOING THAT!
LOOK AT HOW HE WHIPS OUT THAT SHIV, AND GUNHHH!
HE JUST ESCAPE FROM BABY PRISON?
AND I THINK HE WANTS IT TO BE ON CAMERA.
HE'S CLEARLY SENDING HIS PARENTS A MESSAGE.
(AS TOUGH GUY) "YOU WANNA SEND ME TO SCHOOL?
YOU'LL BE SLEEPIN' WITH THE GOLDFISHES."
MEANWHILE, IN BASEBALL NEWS, M.M.A. LIGHTWEIGHT SUPERSTAR
CONNOR MCGREGOR THREW OUT THE FIRST PITCH AT A CUBS GAME ON
TUESDAY NIGHT.
AND IT WENT SUPER -- OH, THERE YOU GO.
CONGRATULATIONS, CONNOR, ON SUCCESSFULLY THROWING THE BALL
BACK TO YOUR NATIVE IRELAND.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, FOR THE CUBS, PRETTY GOOD
PITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE -- THERE ARE WHITE SOX
FANS IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.
( CHEERING ) MEANWHILE, THIS PAST SUNDAY...
WE WON AN EMMY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S THIS WAY, RIGHT?
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: YEAH, WHOO!
WHOO WHOO!
>> Stephen: NOT ONLY DID WE WEN AN EMMY, WE WON FASHION
BECAUSE "VARIETY" SAID THAT MY HEAD WRITER ARIEL DUMAS ROCKED
HER PINK AND RED DRESS WITH BLUE ACCESSORIES, WHILE PUREWOW SAID
THAT MY WRITER ELIANA KWARTLER TOTALLY TURNED HEADS IN HER BOLD
FUCHSIA GOWN.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THESE TWO WOMEN LOOK THAT ELEGANT EVERY DAY...
IS WHAT THEY WROTE IN THIS SCRIPT I'M READING.
( LAUGHTER ) SADLY, FOLKS, WE CAN'T HAVE NICE
THINGS ANYMORE.
SADLY, WE CAN'T BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME BECAUSE
THE FASHIONISTAS HAVE GOTTEN THEIR CLAWS OUT, BECAUSE THEY
WERE ALSO INCLUDED IN THE "WORST" PART OF THE LIST FOR:
"2021 EMMY'S RED CARPET ROUND-UP OF 30 MEMORABLE LOOKS FROM WORST
TO BEST," ON THE WEBSITE OF THE WORLD'S PRE-EMINENT FASHION
EXPERTS: BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 F.M.
BOSTON'S ROCK LEADER.
I'VE LONG RELIED ON BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 FM FOR FASHION ADVICE.
AFTER ALL, WHO'S MORE QUALIFIED TO COMMENT ON SOMEONE'S
APPEARANCE, THAN PEOPLE WHO WORK IN RADIO?
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHAT DID BOSTON'S ROCK LEADER
HAVE TO SAY?
APPARENTLY, THEY FELT THAT "THE RED AND PINK DRESS ARIEL DUMAS
IS WEARING WITH AN INDIGO PURSE AND EARRINGS IS JUST TOO MUCH OF
A CLASH," AND "TOO SHINY AND TOO PINK, ELIANA KWARTLER'S DRESS
HURTS OUR EYES."
NO YOU DON'T, BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 F.M., BOSTON'S ROCK LEADER!
YOU COME FOR MY WRITERS, YOU COME FOR ME.
AND YOU BEST NOT MISS.
YOU HAVE NOW TRIGGERED AN EMERGENCY CLAP-BACK EDITION OF
MY EMMY-AWARD WINNING FASHION SEGMENT:
>> "THE LATE CHIC PRESENTS: STEPHEN COLBERT'S SLAY YOUR
FLEEK."
;>> STEPHEN: WE HAVE A BREAKING FLEEK SLAYING.
FIRST OF ALL, BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 FM, HOW DARE YOU MALIGN MY
WRITERS LIKE THIS?
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASSIC ROCK'S MOST SACRED MONTH--
ZEPTEMBER?!
SECOND OF ALL, ELIANA AND ARIEL LOOKED EXQUISITE.
THIS BLINDSIDED ME, COMING FROM THE HOME OF STYLE EXPERTS LIKE
AL BECK, GREG BEHARELL, AND OF COURSE, THE ANNA WINTOURS OF
RADIO, DAVE AND CHUCK THE FREAK.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, I'M NOT SURPRISED TO HEAR
THIS FROM DAVE, BUT I EXPECTED MORE FROM THE FREAK.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW BOSTON'S ROCK 92.9 F.M.
HAS BETRAYED ME, AND I'LL HAVE TO START GETTING MY FASHION
ADVICE FROM SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE WEBSITE OF A MID-TIER
SUBURBAN BOSTON CLASSIC ALT-ROCK RADIO STATION.
IT'S ALL ON YOU NOW, SUNY NEW PALTZ'S WFNP 88.7 "THE EDGE."
DON'T LET ME DOWN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER.