-We are deep in the middle of winter now.
The holidays are done, the weather is gross,
and the sun goes down every day right after brunch.
It is easy to feel exhausted and depressed this time of year,
and that includes my writers.
You know, they write hundreds of jokes every day
just to get the 10 or 12 we use in the monologue,
and, honestly, a lot of those other jokes just aren't good.
Sometimes, I think they throw in a few stinkers on purpose
just to fill the page and meet the assignment.
But just because it's winter,
that doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's how this works.
I'm going to read some real jokes
really submitted by my writers that are unusable for the show.
Some are dumb. Some are offensive.
Some are just insane.
Most importantly, the writers don't know we're doing this,
and because a lot of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know.
So let's get started.
Today was National Peanut Butter Day.
"Yeah, I'm not falling for that again,"
said your dog.
Mike Scollins wrote that joke.
That's him. You know how we know?
He put his name on it.
He wanted us to know, like a serial killer who left a note.
Scollins celebrated Burns supper yesterday,
which honors the life of poet Robert Burns.
Meanwhile, single dads celebrate Burns supper
whenever it's their weekend with the kids.
Brian wrote that joke.
He's got a kid, and, you know...
[ Laughter ]
I think he's doing alright feeding her. I don't know.
A 79-year-old man in Australia recently set
the Guinness World Record for
oldest competitive soccer player.
Said the announcer, "Oooooooold!"
[ Laughter ]
That was Ian, you guys.
[ Laughter ]
A loose wallaby was recently seen hopping through
a field of snow in England.
And a wallaby, of course, is how the British say "little boy."
I -- Even now, I have no idea what that means.
Literally just a collection of words
that seem to have no relation to one another.
Karen Chee wrote that joke.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
And you might guess from your picture -- you'd be right --
this is a person with nothing but joy in her heart,
and, yet, that joke made me so [bleep] mad at her.
[ Laughter ]
That's probably the look she had on her face
the whole time she wrote it.
She didn't know. [ Laughter ]
Wallaby.
Wallaby is how the British say "little boy."
I'll say it in a British accent.
Let's see if it sounds like wallaby.
[ British accent ] Wallaby. Oh, it does.
New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu
said in an interview that he's considering
running for president.
He thinks the country needs Sununu voice.
So, that's a play on "a new voice."
If his name was Governor Anunu,
it's still bad, but you understand it.
Sununu, you don't.
That was written by Matt Goldich,
and he's here and probably brokenhearted
that he didn't get any applause.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Alright, guys, he wrote the next one, too,
and I want to encourage you.
If you just want to start booing as loud as you can,
because I think that's the only way
we can affect their behavior.
They've got to be publicly shamed.
He's here now.
This is your chance to put -- to put a stop to this,
because I know you're not going to be here tomorrow,
but I am...
and he is.
And I've tri-- I can't stop him.
Pepsi has announced it will no longer offer Sierra Mist soda.
Oh, no.
Then how will I make my famous Sierra Mistu?
Boo!
[ Audience booing ]
Imagine how broken your brain has to be.
Yeah, you see "Sierra Mist" on a piece of paper
and you think to yourself, "Oh, I know what my boss,
who tells jokes in front of human beings, will like."
Also, somebody in graphics had to make a Sierra Mistu.
Like, they had real work to do.
They had to go to a real school,
not like the writers on this show
we just found milling around.
Prince Harry sat down for an interview
last night on "60 Minutes" with Anderson Cooper --
Yeah, I'm -- You know what?
I'm not ready for this one yet, Wally.
I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready.
[ Laughter ]
Today, was former vice president Dick Cheney's 82nd birthday,
and if you want to know what he's getting,
the heart intended for your grandma.
[ Laughter ]
Scollins.
Today was National Opposite Day,
and my co-workers are not going to like how I use the urinal.
[ Laughter ]
Just be happy we stayed with that graphic.
Oh, yeah, it's Scollins again.
A second library -- This is a third Scollins in a row.
A second library in Colorado has been forced to close
due to crystal-meth contamination.
Why? That's how we got some of our best books.
We have no proof Seuss was on crystal.
Today was World Hypnotism Day, and thank God it's almost over,
because I am not enjoying being a duck stuck at the bottom
of a well.
Quack. For the love of God, won't somebody stop?
Ally wrote that one. There's Ally.
A very nice lady who is
obviously having a bad run of things.
[ Laughter ]
Netflix announced last week that it has renewed
the show "Wednesday" for a second season,
adding, "But here's The Thing..."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay.
Yeah, you know what?
At least there's some craft there.
[ Groans ]
[ Laughter ]
I'm setting this down so I don't
put it through my eye after telling the punch line.
According to new reports, a sequel to the 2004 movie
"The Passion of the Christ" will begin shooting this spring.
And needless to say, it's a crossover.
[ Laughter ]
Ian wrote that joke, in case you're wondering
who to hit with the lightning bolt.
Alright. [ Clears throat ]
I'm going to tell it now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Are you guys sure?
Are you sure?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Because on a few of these -- on a few of these,
you've kind of shown you don't have the intestinal fortitude
for what we're doing here.
So just remember, when I tell this punch line,
you asked for it.
Is this the last one?
Okay.
That's good to know.
Because I feel like it might be a little hard to follow.
Prince Harry sat down for an interview last night
on "60 Minutes" with Anderson Cooper,
while your mom sat down in a puddle.
You guys...
Baze wrote it.
And he died right after he wrote it,
and you didn't even have the heart to laugh at it.
He wrote it, and it was so funny, he died,
and then not one of you laughed.
There's the real Baze. Let's look at the real Baze.
There he is.
You guys, this has been a "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare ]
[ Cheers and applause ]