If my car had broken down
there would have been plenty of emergency food and water for everyone
if my car had broken down, it wouldn't have broken down
Well if my car had broken down
the booby trap would have gone off
so we'd all be DEAD
instead of sitting in this desert nightmare sweatbox bullshit
Tow truck will be here in ten
what are we talking about
how useless you would be in a post-apocalyptic wasteland
that depends on the wasteland
right?
C'mon! We've got ten minutes
gotta kill time somehow
we wouldn't have to kill time
if stupid you weren't so stupid
and had learned how to take stupid care of
your idiot car, you stupid
Don't blame me!
Why????
I'd rather you didn't!
So I'd pick "Time Enough at Last"
from the Twilight Zone
Where everyone's dead
and you're just left stranded and alone
Yeah
free from judgement
free from blame
free to read my books all day
assuming I could hold on to my glasses
which... I can't
uh, but that's okay
because, books on tape
all the restaurants and stores are closed, how are you going to eat?
ugh, you're playing right into his hands
Surely there's enough twinkies and
spam and crap for me to survive
I'm not trying to restart society
I'm just trying to keep one person alive
enough food for one guy
rice keeps
peeps!
peeps keep
You can never have sex again
That's not a whole lot different from what I've got going on right now :)
Man, I should have made that joke!
God, this sun is ruining me
I live in California
The coldest it gets is 40 degrees (F)
There's lots of houses around for shelter
I can raid a bunch of camping stores
Uh, I don't know how plumbing
goes but I could poop in a different house every day
and in fact, I'm going to poop in a different house every day!
the only downside is loneliness
and for a socially awkward guy
that's a blessing
My best friends are
fictional characters
I could spend all of my time reading about them
and watching them
dissecting them and deconstructing them and
just.. having them
So your idea of what to talk about
when we're stuck out in the desert
because your car broke down
because of a shortcut you insisted on taking
is how you'd never miss any of us
Look who's on board!
NO new pop culture
No Avengers 2
You'd never know how Game of Thrones ends
OH, SHIT, right, dammit
Crap, I change mine
to The Road, or Mad Max
Something where almost everyone is wiped out
and I'll take my chances that George RR Martin
and Louis CK are among the survivors
And you really think you could survive all those rapists
and murderers that always ALWAYS plague those apocalypse movies?
What is it about an apocalypse
that makes people want to wear leather and join street gangs?
Is that what Hollywood thinks we all secretly really want to do?
GAAAH
I should have something for that too!
DAMMIT
I know, I kind of set you up
RIGHT?
I have nothing!
I choose I Am Legend
That's.. just more..
"last man standing" stuff
But monsters
Haaa there's butt monsters in that?
They really took a lot of liberties with the adaptation
At least with I Am Legend you have some level of
safety guaranteed
I mean, if we're talking about your Books of Eli
Book of Elis
or your The Roads
That can't be right
In each one of those movies
the threat of roving gangs of rapists
is constant
With I Am Legend, you know you're safe in sunlight
and if you can just stay safe at night
then you can spend your day slaughtering your enemies
as they huddle in dark corners of buildings
That's not very sportsmanlike
It is if you do what Will Smith does
Get jiggy?
He spends that entire movie playing with his dog
or building elaborate monster traps
The I Am Legend apocalypse turns your whole world into Home Alone
Yeah, but Will Smith actually finds a cure!
You think you're just murdering monsters but those are actual people trapped in there
If you really want to go monster hunting, there's always the Walking Dead
Ugh,
you really want to live in a world that's that poorly written?
Sorry!
there's a natural limit to my impulse control
and we have reached it
I could Home Alone some zombies in The Walking Dead, that's true
Yeah, but no one looks like they're having any fun in that show
get your own stick
Of course it's not any fun
The apocalypse isn't going to be crazy fun
Okay, see the problem with your guys picks though
they're all too earthy, right?
if I'm going to be in an apocalypse
I want it to be something where like
it's not just society's crumbling and there's less gas
but like, there's new crap happening
right? Like, Planet of the Apes?
or Matrix?
Or the best one of all!
Don't you say it!
Waterworld!
Okay, we need to strike some kind of balance
a little bit of sugar keeps him alive
but too much sugar makes him like Waterworld
Like, if I'm dating someone
I break up with them, right
I'm not just going to date a shittier version of that person
so if I'm saying goodbye to Earth
FOREVER
I want to live somewhere that doesn't constantly
remind me of the way things used to be
Oh, that's true!
One of the worst thing about the Walking Dead other than all, everything
is that it's too depressing
Those characters spend all their time trying to get
back to a life that they'll never have again
You don't like the show, then just don't watch it, okay?!
Like us
God, uh, I can't. I can't not watch it
I started it
Like Zombieland!
and The Road
I mean, those are situations where people are trying to recreate the lives they used to have
Right! I mean, if you're living somewhere that
looks, sounds, and smells like Earth
you're never going to move on
or adapt or evolve wicked gills
You're just gonna play "Earth"
the way kids play "House"
Constantly trying to build a new Suburbs
amidst zombies, following a sheriff around
Not developing gills!
being all shitty!
Right?
But.. aren't they trying to find land in Waterworld?
Just Deacon
and HE'S nuts!
Kevy Cos and the pirates, they just sail around
cause they've realized, living on top of Mount Everest
BORING!
You'd be drinking your own pee
Look who's on board!
See? Waterworld's the most fun
cause it's the only world that's not bent on copying the world of the past
AND it's always sunny
AND you get to have jet-skis
AND the pee thing
that Soren wisely alluded to
you could be a pirate
you could be a dirt trader
you could bungee jump out of a balloon
while a bunch of jet-skis explode
you could do whatever you want!
that's good for me, cause the
bungee-jump jet-ski thing?
that's what I want, and they have that there
Well then why wouldn't I just live in a Zombieland universe on a boat
I could go to the mainland and get some guilt-free violence out of the way
before going right back to my personal yacht
and who knows? Maybe even Bill Murray would show up
apropos of nothing
Well! In Waterworld
world world
there's water
world
so, we're all actually living 30,000 feet higher
than we do now
and did you know there's a bunch of studies that show that people
who live at higher elevations
actually live longer
cause their blood gets oxygenated better
What was in that candy bar, Daniel?
Was that like a Take 5 or something?
You know he can't eat pretzels!
WW is the only apoc where you get to be healthier than you were before the world ended
and you don't even have to do anything!
why?
There!
I've depleted all of our resources
surely we must die...
Still got five minutes
You want to do another one?
No.
Although that version of Waterworld sounds much
better than that bomb of a movie we got
*mumbles* says that
it made 264 million dollars at the box office
Oh, THAT you know, but you don't know cars don't come with unlimited oil?
The air is grittier here and it's bad for cars
Ooooh, my tummy hurts!
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