In this video, we're going to be talking about how to show your ex that you have changed.
But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard
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If your ex is not convinced that you've changed, how can you really show them that you have
changed? First of all, you got to actually have some change here. I wish there was some
easier way, but if you have changed, then you need to have actually changed. If you're
going to show your ex that you have changed, you need to have actually changed. There's
no secret thing that you can text them or something. There's no cheat code you can text
them and they're going to see the numbers and it's going to be like, "Whoa, you've changed."
That's weird spy movie MK Ultra stuff there. As far as I know that that doesn't exist,
but hey, who knows. You need to actually demonstrate to them that you've changed.
Now that here's the thing. There is a big difference between telling someone that you've
changed, telling someone that things are going to be different, versus demonstrating to them
that things are different. So you want to really demonstrate to them that things are
different rather than tell them. That is to say, you want to show them that things are
different. Again, I don't know exactly what caused you
and your ex to break up or what caused the breakup or something like that. Usually it's
one of three things. It's the fact that at some point the two of you stopped being on
the same team with one another. Or it's the fact that the two of you didn't communicate
clearly. Or it's the fact that there was some sort of break in trust between the two of
you. Usually it's some combination of two or more of these things. What I'd recommend
that you do is you start to work on realigning these three things, being on the same team,
the communication and the trust aspect. Trust is something that naturally gets built up
over time. Really that's like, let's just show up consistently over a period of time
and eventually, boom, the trust just kicks in.
Other than that, we're going to have to actually work on building that same teamness and also
the communication aspect, or if there's something specific that caused the breakup, like your
temper, or the fact that you wouldn't open up, or whatever it is, that's what we're going
to have to demonstrate to your ex. In addition to that, I would recommend actually having
a same team conversation or working on the communication. If there's something specific
by all means that is what you want to do first and foremost.
So you want to demonstrate this to them. You want to show them that whatever it was is
now no longer an issue. If you weren't opening up and sharing your emotions, start doing
that. Obviously in a healthy sort of way. Don't dump your emotions on them in some deluge
of victim hood or something like that. Obviously open up and share how you're feeling and share
what's going on with you. Basically just let there be no filter between your brain and
what comes out of your mouth. Like with me sometimes on these videos. I mean, MK Ultra,
come one, where did that even come from? Anyway, you want to let it free flow. What
that's going to do is that's going to show them, for example, in this totally hypothetical
situation, that you weren't opening up, that you are an open book. That's going to show
them and let them feel more comfortable that this is actually how you are. This is where
you're at. I don't have to guess. I don't have to try and read between the lines. You're
just going to be an open book and talk about ridiculous spy movie stuff apparently. That
might be something that you might consider doing.
Other things, it just depends on maybe what the specific issue was that caused the breakup
in the first place. Again, if nothing else, you definitely want to anchor it back towards
just saying, "Hey, let's just be clear about this. I know we're in a confusing situation
here, but let's just agree to be on the same team. If it ever seems like we want different
things, just tap me on the shoulder and say, 'Hey, from where I'm sitting, it looks this
way.' Help me understand. Or I'll do the same thing. I'll tap you on the shoulder and say,
'Hey, from where I'm sitting, it looks that way.' Please help me understand."
That can help to bring the two of you into a sense of cooperation, so they can really
start to see that there's a change in the dynamic between the two of you. Of course,
secondarily, you also want to start working on the communication. You want to start, again,
talking out your thought process. This can help in terms of emotional openness versus
closeness, but it can also help in terms of building that sense of, "Hey, what you see
is what you get. I'm not trying to hide anything. This isn't all talk, no substance. This is
actual legitimate change here." What you can do is talk out your thought process, how you're
getting from point A to point B. For example, maybe they're not texting you back or something.
You might say something like, "Hey, I noticed you didn't text me back. Part of me wonders
if that's because you're feeling uncomfortable talking to me. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable
talking to me. So if there's something going on, please let me know. If it's just in my
head and you were busy with something, no worries."
It's as simple as that. You're just talking about how you got from point A to point B.
They're not texting you back, therefore you're worried that they might feel uncomfortable.
We're putting it out on the table and they can now take that and say, "Yeah, actually
I'm feeling uncomfortable talking to you because of this or that or whatever" or, "No, I was
just busy because something came up," or, "I forgot my phone at home," or whatever the
case may be. You want to work through this so that there aren't these gaps that you have
to fill in with guessing really. Jumping to conclusions is one of the most
destructive things that people can do in relationships. We see things happening, like with the texting
example. We see things happening and we think, "Okay, I'm sure of it. They're not texting
me back because they're trying to create more distance. They're trying to let me down easy.
They're maybe seeing someone else." Do we necessarily know that this is true? Unless
there's actual concrete evidence, no. We don't know that this is true. We're number one,
causing ourselves to feel bad when we allow our mind to drift into that space. We start
to panic. We start to feel anxious. We start to feel betrayed or frustrated or angry or
whatever. Number two, we also run the risk of actually
acting on information that isn't true. If you think that your ex is distancing themselves
or pulling away, or hooking up with someone else, and that's why they're not texting you
back and you act on it and then you just lay into them in some diatribe on text message
or something like that, and it turns out, "Oh no, actually a friend of mine needed to
go to the hospital so I took them and I was caring for them and being there for them,"
or something like that. Then it's like, oh wow. Now I feel like a jerk now. I'm sure
it also damages the connection between the two of you. So we want to work on those two
things as well too, the being on the same team, and also the communication, talking
out how you get from point A to point B. Then if you are able to do that, be on the
same team, talk out how to get from point A to point B and also directly demonstrate
to them that you have changed in whatever specific way that might be, if you do that
over a long enough period of time, eventually something's going to snap in their mind. They're
going to say, "That's it. That's just how you are. I get it now. This isn't a gimmick.
This isn't a stunt. This isn't something that you learned on the internet from some weirdo
relationship video or something like that. This is just how you are."
By the way it's just the mind game. YouTube videos you should be wary of, not my channel.
My channel is the good one. Get that thumbs up button.
Okay. Go ahead and do that and you'll be able to create a stronger sense that day can put
faith into how you're doing showing up. As that happens, the armor is going to come down
more and more, and they're going to start to open up more and more to you again. They're
going to start to really get that this is the new dynamic. It takes some time, even
when you do demonstrate some change for your ex to really put their faith and trust in
it, because they're going to be doubtful of it at first. They're going to say, "Hey, is
this you on your best behavior? Is this just some mind game or gimmick or stunt that you
picked up somewhere?" They're not going to put a whole lot of trust into it. But if you
can show them time again and again and again and again and again, that this is just how
it is, they're going to start to relax into it and trust that, hey this is just how things
are. I hope that helps you out. I hope that shows
you how to show your ex that you have changed. If you do like this video, once again for
that YouTube algorithm, hit that thumbs up button, if you haven't already. Subscribe
to the channel as well too. It does help us out. It also, of course, makes sure that you
get the uploads that we post when we do post new stuff. It shows up in your newsfeed and
your subscriptions and all that. If you do want to learn about that Connect and Commit
course, there's a link for that down in the description box below. If you also want to
learn more about what your ex is thinking during this whole process of a breakup, check
out this video series over here on what your ex is thinking, or you might want to check
out this video right here. But thank you so much for watching. Please take care and have
a great day. I'll talk to you next time.