So my client, John, had been fantasizing about doing some pretty kinky stuff,
and he wanted to bring his girlfriend Sarah in on it.
But he was terrified that if he told her that, she would get turned off.
I mean, he has some pretty kinky fantasies.
He wants to tie her up and spank her and bring a bunch of toys in the bedroom
and some other stuff he asked me not to tell you about on YouTube.
So because he didn't want to turn her off, he suggested that maybe they'd
try something a little kinky, like maybe he could just handcuff her to the bedpost.
You know, it sounded vanilla enough that she would probably say yes.
And they did it...and it sucked.
☹️ He didn't get any satisfaction because that's not really what he wanted.
And his lack of satisfaction led her to feel kind of turned off
because, like, why were we doing this in the first place?
And maybe you can relate.
Maybe there's something that you would like to try with your partner,
whether it's kinky or not, but you're too afraid to ask.
Well, if that's the case. I've got news for you.
Not asking for what you want may be slowly
ruining your relationship and your sexual connection.
I know for a fact that most of you are asking for what you think you can get
and not your deepest, truest, nastiest desires.
And I'm willing to bet that some of you aren't even asking at all.
In this video.
I will tell you the best, most effective way to ask for what
you truly want—whether that's a freaky, kinky desire,
a big change in your relationship, or anything else that you can think of.
But first, it's important to understand why this is so critical.
Think of it this way
asking for what you think you can get rather than what you actually want.
It's like having a bag of potato chips in front of you and only having one chip.
I mean, the desire is still there.
Only now you've had, like, the tiniest taste.
Why even tempt yourself?
You're actually going
to just feel more frustrated than if you didn't have any chips at all.
And by the way, that frustration when it comes to sex, your partner feels as well.
So if you ask for a fraction of what you desire in your relationship,
your partner is going to see that there's some misalignment there.
And that's exactly what happened to John.
Sarah could sense that something was off.
So like she got into her head about it.
I mean, naturally.
And suddenly they were in an even worse place than when they started.
They're not doing the kinky, fun stuff that John wanted.
In fact, they're not doing anything at all.
And a big step to getting them back on track was to help John see that
he had to actually honor his full desires.
But before we can go there, we have to first understand desire itself.
The first step towards getting what you want is identifying
exactly what that is.
And although it sounds simple, it's actually
really tricky—especially inside of a relationship—because one,
we fear rejection and two, we're afraid of being shamed.
Here's my quick tip for figuring out what it is that you really want.
Try finishing this sentence: “If I could have it all my way,
I would (blank).” use this prompt and keep making your answers
bigger and bigger and truer and truer.
Blow them up, make them huge.
Get really clear and really confident on what it is exactly you want.
And no room for judgment here.
This is not the place for you to judge what you desire.
It's just a place for you to discover what that is.
And if you find yourself feeling outlandish
or thinking about how your partner
might feel about your desires, here's something important to remember.
Your desires have nothing to do with your partner.
I mean, sure, you might want to experience them
with that person, but your consideration of whether or not she is willing
or isn't willing is not relevant at this stage.
This is about getting in touch with you when thinking about your desires.
Do not hold yourself back.
You can always compromise later.
In fact, it's likely that you'll have to.
Once you're finally clear
about what it is that you want—and I mean the thing that you really,
really want—then it's time to prepare to make the actual request.
So when my client, John, finally acknowledged
that he actually wanted a full BDSM scene, it became so clear
that the little like handcuffs thing that they were trying
was just the single potato chip that nobody wanted.
Not only was he not getting what he wanted, he was also robbing
Sarah of the chance to know the truth about him, to know his actual desires
and connect with them, You know, the vulnerable risk of
putting it all out there actually brings us closer to our partner.
And he came to realize that even if she said no to his full request,
but they landed somewhere in the middle, the experience would be more satisfying
because he didn't feel like he was having to hide something from her.
The next step was to do the scary thing and ask.
Which brings me to my next tip,
which could sound a little silly, but it's going to make all the difference.
So please just trust me on this.
If you are going to make a request that you are nervous about,
one of the most powerful things that you can do is practice
speaking your desires.
Say your desires out loud.
Say it into the mirror.
Say it to a trusted friend.
I mean, the tongue is a muscle, and practicing really does make a difference.
Getting your desires out of your head and speaking them out
loud will make you feel more grounded and more confident.
When you go into the actual conversation and you go to speak them out
loud to your partner, your wife, your girlfriend, get clear on what it is
that you want to say and make sure that you don't leave anything out.
Remember, we're actually giving your partner the full picture here.
That is the point.
And there's another thing
that you should be aware of: When you go in to make that big request,
your partner might not be into it, and the answer could be no.
And that's okay.
Part of asking for what you want
is being willing to hear no—and no doesn't mean that you're a bad person.
It doesn't mean that you should feel shame.
It doesn't mean that you're going to die alone.
But you might be
making it mean those things or your poor little lizard brain thinks, “Oh my God,
if I hear no, I'm just going to die.” So you're afraid of hearing No.
And when she says no, you actually hear it as “No...
...And also, you're a piece of shit who's not worthy of love.
It’s not true. No. Just means no.
Her no or her maybe, or even her hell yes is actually just
where the conversation begins, not where it ends.
When you reveal your truth to someone vulnerably, it is important to remember
that the act of speaking your desire is as important,
sometimes even more important than getting it met.
The goal of the conversation shouldn't be to get what you want.
It should be about speaking your authentic truth.
If your partner says no, it's still an opportunity to talk about
where your desires come from and what else you might be willing to do
in order to compromise.
Remember, compromise? It was very popular in the 90s.
Compromise is how you get to the place that feels really good for both of you.
But if you hold back, your starting position is going to be
already compromised.
Which brings me to my next point.
If you're putting something out there to
your partner is important for you to be present with their response.
What do I mean by that?
So my client, John and I practiced.
He practicing his desires out loud.
We went through the entire scene,
everything that he wanted, making sure that he had.
“If I had it all my way, we would (blank),”
completely filled out thoroughly holistically.
Then he went to talk to his girlfriend, Sarah, and this is what she said.
First.
He said she wasn't sure that she really wanted to get spanked
as hard as he wanted.
She wanted to know why he wanted to do that.
She wanted to know if he had been unsatisfied, or
if this was new, or had been brewing for a very long time.
And because he was prepared in advance by our coaching session,
he could be thoughtful and honest in all of his responses.
He was able to explain his desires to her in a way
that made sense to her without feeling shame himself.
And ultimately that actually opened her up to most of what he was looking for.
You see, when your partner understands
why you want something, it's a lot easier for them to say yes.
And when you come into it with a sense of groundedness
and an ability to answer their questions, being present with their response,
instead of defending, protecting, explaining, justifying, coercing,
manipulating, you actually are able to get to a better understanding,
and you are a whole lot more likely to get everything that you want.
Because finding a middle ground becomes a whole lot easier.
It is, of course, important to have high hopes and low expectations
when you make a big, scary request of your partner.
The most important thing
to remember that as much as this is about getting your needs met,
it is also about creating an environment of openness and honesty.
We don't have to get what we want 100% of the time
in order to be in a happy, healthy relationship.
But we do have to feel safe and seen by our partner
as our fullest, truest self for love to blossom and bloom.
And that's why the victory is in the asking. Okay.
In the case of John, he never got his girlfriend to get into heavy spanking,
but they did find that they loved a whole bunch of toys.
She liked being dominated some of his deepest, darkest fantasies.
He actually got to live out with the woman that he loved.
And she actually asked for some kinky stuff back—way
hotter than the diet kink handcuffing that he was initially going to ask for.
And the coolest part about this is now they have
an open and honest line of communication that's going to keep their sex life
being hot and fun and exciting and interesting and vulnerable
for the rest of their lives.
They learned that asking for
what they actually want is an act of connection itself.
And the fears and the judgment and the rejection eventually melted away
because he wasn't going in pre rejecting himself.
You know, he went in boldly and she could feel that from him,
made her want to say, yes, I'm Caitlyn V, Please comment below what your big,
bold request is, what you want to ask for, what you truly, truly desire.
“If I could have it all my way, I (blank)” And let's see if we can find inspiration
in each other's desires and the strength to go out there and ask for them.
I'll see you here next week. Bye!