Tonight I want to talk about the scariest topic
you'll ever hear about on the campaign
trail, the southern border.
[thunder rumbling]
Sorry, that was the wrong sound effect-- the southern border.
[latin music]
See, that's not so scary.
It's all about how you frame it because whenever
Americans hear about the border,
it's always so negative.
But the truth is America's southern border
has a rich history steeped in cross-cultural pollination
because for thousands of years, that area
has been the Grand Central Station of the continent.
In fact, for well over a century,
America had no barrier at all on its border.
And when they finally put one up,
it had nothing to do with people.
NARRATOR: In the early 1900s, ticks are causing disease
among cows in rural areas.
Those cows are crossing back and forth over the border.
So the first ever border fence is actually built to keep
cows from spreading disease.
That's right.
The first border fence was to keep out ticks.
It's the one time it wasn't racist to say
we've got to stop these filthy animals from coming over here.
And that's just one of the many things
people get wrong when it comes to America's southern border.
So I thought tonight we could separate border myths
from border facts in another installment
of Long Story Short.
[music playing]
Look, we can talk about numbers, or figures,
or demographics, but the immigration
debate is never about facts.
It's about fear.
Hordes of machete-wielding illegals
are pouring over the border to take your job and put
fentanyl in your guacamole.
That's why it always cost extra.
Yo, this type of rhetoric isn't meant to solve any problems.
It's meant to dehumanize immigrants
into zombie criminals because then all you'll want to do
is build a wall.
The phrase made famous by the man
who might have to hold his next inauguration
in prison cafeteria--
Most illegal immigration is coming
from our southern border.
We will build a great wall, and we will stop
illegal immigration for good.
We'll build the wall, folks.
Don't even worry about it.
Go to sleep.
Go home, go to sleep, rest assured.
Go to sleep?
This is the worst bedtime story ever.
No wonder his kids are so [bleep] up.
[cheers]
Now, to hear Trump tell it, a wall would put
a stop to illegal immigration.
But that's a myth because the truth
is, these days, a majority of undocumented immigrants
come into the country legally.
And they're all-- and they just overstay their visas.
That means most illegal immigration doesn't
start at the Rio Grande.
It starts at the airport between the Cinnabon
and the baggage claim.
And by the way, Donald Trump of all people,
I thought you would understand wanting to stay longer
than you're supposed to.
Yep.
[applause]
And here's another myth because for some demagogues,
Brown people coming to America isn't scary enough on its own.
So there's one specific type of immigrant
that they want to scare you about, the drug smugglers.
Illegal immigrants from Mexico, who are trafficking
these pills that look like candy for children
into the country.
They're carrying drugs on their back.
They're bringing fentanyl.
Those people are bringing in fentanyl,
which is killing thousands of Americans every month.
It's not like fentanyl walks across the border by itself.
It comes with illegal immigrants.
Of course fentanyl doesn't walk across the border
by itself.
Do you know the street value of fentanyl?
That bitch drives a caddy.
[laughter]
But yeah, they want to scare you
about the hordes of criminals coming across the border
to profit off of our opioid crises, which
is messed up because that's what we have
pharmaceutical companies for.
But the truth is that only 0.02% of people arrested
by border patrol for crossing illegally
had fentanyl on them.
But guess who is being arrested for smuggling fentanyl?
American citizens.
They're 86% of convicted fentanyl traffickers.
So when you think about fentanyl trafficker,
think less about this and more about this.
Bro, dude, I got fentanyl up my ass.
I got it in my ears.
I got it up my nose.
I wish I had another orifice.
I'd pack it up full of fentanyl.
But you know how it goes, bro.
And here's the bigger point I'm trying to make.
The vast, vast majority of undocumented immigrants
do not sell drugs.
They do not shoot people.
They do not commit terrorism.
They do not commit any crimes.
They are human beings searching for a better life.
[cheers and applause]
And they don't want-- and they don't want to get in trouble,
especially since they don't want
to get caught and be deported.
I'm the same way.
When I'm a-- when I'm a guest in someone's house,
I'm on my best behavior.
I take off my shoes.
I hold in my farts.
I bring a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.
But then when I'm in my own house,
and I'm in the living room terrorizing
the couch in my bare balls, that's a different story.
That's-- we shot that before I shaved the beard.
Anyway, here's another myth these demagogues say,
that migrants are stealing American jobs.
When you have a wide open border,
and you've got millions of illegal aliens coming
into our country, what do you think
those people are going to do?
They're going to go take jobs that could have
otherwise been American jobs.
REPORTER: Millions of American jobs
are disappearing at the hands of illegal immigrants.
Joe Biden's 5 million illegal aliens
are on the verge of replacing you, replacing your jobs.
Yeah, these immigrants are taking
all the jobs, food jobs, farm jobs, Steve Jobs, all of them.
These demagogues want you to believe
that if you lost your job, it's not because
of corporate outsourcing, or automation, or the destruction
of unions, or cost-cutting to maximize
profits for shareholders.
No, it's Jose's fault. Shame on you, Jose.
But the truth is undocumented immigrants
are mostly filling jobs that Americans
have no interest in doing.
I mean, are you going to tell me there
are Americans just lining up wishing
they could pick vegetables in the sun all the live-long day?
America is a trip, man.
First you didn't want to do any of the field work,
and now you want to do all the field work.
[applause]
Make up your goddamn mind.
All right, so long story short, we
can debate about the border, but what we can't do
is dehumanize these people.
That's not going to lead to the right policies.
That's only going to lead to tragedy.
So the next time you hear people
scaremongering about the border,
remember, they're not preaching facts.
They're promoting fear.
And that's the only wall they've built,
the one between themselves and reality.