- I got an IUD this week. (crowd cheering)
Yeah, I am not seeing anybody right now
but you know what they say.
Dress for the job you want, right?
(audience laughing) Not the job you have.
Yeah, I'm single if you can believe it.
And being single, it has changed my priorities
in a way that I'm not super proud of.
Okay, I'll give you an example.
We all remember two years ago the racial uprising, right?
I went to a protest, went to a Black Lives Matter protest
and you know, it was insane out there?
(crowd member cheers) Okay, yeah, thank you.
God damn. (crowd cheers)
No, we go to this protest, and it's crazy out there, right?
We got like tear gas going, sirens, cops are there.
It's really dangerous, really crazy.
And this one guy, he's getting arrested, okay?
And as the cops are pulling him into the car, okay,
he's screaming at the top of his lungs,
"Call my girlfriend, call my girlfriend!"
And reciting her phone number to the crowd, okay.
At that exact moment, a can of tear gas
comes sailing through the air, hits me in the leg,
and I'm down on the ground, okay.
And as my friends are dragging me to safety,
the only thing I can think to myself is,
"Oh my God, he memorized her number?" (laughs)
(audience laughing) That's beautiful.
Feels like I'm not asking for too much,
you know what I mean? (laughs)
Yeah, yeah, it's tough being single.
It feels like the guys that I'm trying to see,
you know, they're not really trying
to really get to know who I am, right?
They don't really wanna get to know the real me.
I hooked up with this one guy and he texted me afterwards.
He said, "You're the kinkiest girl I've ever been with."
And I said, "I know this text was not meant for me."
And I knew that because at the time,
I had my arm in the sink
and I was soaking off a BAND-AID, okay?
Because I was too afraid to take it off because of the pain
so that just wasn't true.
(laughs) That just wasn't true.
I've been trying to mix things up,
been trying to change up my luck,
you know, see if I can get some.
And I asked a guy out recently,
and I realized I sound a little needy.
I sound a little desperate
in a way I'm not super thrilled about.
I sound like a white woman with a pyramid scheme.
(audience laughing)
Sat the guy down, said, "Hey bestie,
this will only take five minutes of your time."
(audience laughing)
And ultimately it is an opportunity for growth, right?
Right, we start now. In six months, we're taking it far.
But there are also part-time options
if that's better for you.
The moral of the story is, ladies,
you cannot girlboss your way into his heart, okay?
(audience laughing)
It's tough to realize that. It's fucking tough.
It was a holiday weekend the other weekend.
I didn't go home.
I usually don't go home for holidays
'cause I kind of struggle with body image issues.
And whenever I go home,
they're always talking about how small my mom is, okay,
and like how much smaller she is than me.
And you know, it's not too bad. I mean, they're not wrong.
She does look very skinny in her urn.
(audience laughing) She's about that big.
Doesn't get much bigger than that.
I see some concerned faces, but listen up, okay?
Listen up, I'm giving you a great tip right now.
Throw away those diet pills, okay?
Throw away those shakes, okay,
'cause cremation burns fat. (laughs)
(audience laughing) Anyway...
Yeah, I do have some body image issues,
and I always worried that it would like,
come up in a relationship, right?
But I can confidently tell you
that I have never been broken up with for my body, okay?
I have only been broken up with because of my personality.
I've only been broken up with because of who I am.
So... (audience laughing)
You know, when you get broken up with for your body,
it's a little bit easier because you can always go out
and get a revenge body, right?
It's harder to get a revenge personality, isn't it?
(audience laughing) Isn't it?
But I have been working on one.
I've been working on a revenge personality, and I wanted
to show it to you guys and see what you think, okay?
(audience cheering)
My revenge personality, I'm thinking,
is just gonna be a really cool British girl, okay?
And this is how it is, okay?
So instead of like, when my boyfriend's mean to me,
instead of being like, "I'm gonna kill myself,"
I'm gonna be like,
"Hey that really wasn't rock and roll, was it? (laughs)
Really not rock and roll at all." (laughs)
And then, you know, like we have sex for the first time
instead of being like, "I'm gonna marry you,
I'm gonna watch you die," I'm gonna say,
"Hey, that was pretty rock and roll, wasn't it?
Pretty freaking rock and roll"
(audience laughing) Yeah, yeah.
I wanna talk to you guys about something.
It's important to me.
Okay, I wanna talk about voting for a second.
So, yeah, yeah! (audience cheering)
Guys, you know we've got less than 100 days, okay,
until the midterm elections, okay?
It's quickly coming upon us and I'm Gen Z.
And Gen Z is kind of famously skeptical about voting,
and I get it 'cause for a long time I was the same way.
I kind of approached voting the same way
that I approached Hinge and dating apps, right?
Like ultimately just pick the dude you are least afraid
to be in an elevator with and move on.
(audience laughing) You know what I mean?
But I actually think that Gen Z can create more change
than we might otherwise think.
I was thinking about it the other day,
and I realized that Gen Z got rid of skinny jeans
quicker than Abraham Lincoln got rid of slavery.
You know what I mean?
He kind of dragged his feet a little bit, did he not?
He did. He took his time.
But Gen Z, when we see a problem,
we immediately eliminate it, right?
Like, it took probably a good couple 100 years
to get rid of slavery.
Took a couple 100 years for women,
some women to get the right to vote.
Took hundreds of years
for the US to become an independent nation.
Gen Z got rid of wearing bras,
(audience cheering) drinking, yeah,
drinking regular milk and generally liking things
between the release of the first "Avatar" movie
and the trailer for the second.
(audience cheering)
That is a very ambitious timeline, right?
I can't remember the last time that I used capital letters
and punctuation in a text message.
Gen Z got rid of that because ultimately at this point
it's like, if you're still wearing bras,
you need to grow up, right?
And if you're using capital letters and punctuation,
you need to calm down. (laughs)