Welcome back to my dark Corner of this sick world.
'You again? Hah, you don't seem to like living much.'
Some films just do exactly what they say on the cover.
'A man without legs, a man without arms'
At the insistence of by the numbers bad guy Lin,
‘My infomation is he’s very cruel and evil’
Our first master has his arms cut off.
Something about which he is admirably stoic.
‘Don’t talk to me like that’
Rather than bleeding to death he goes for tea.
ignoring idiot passers-by.
‘Both your arms have been cut off’
I think he knows.
‘How did you get into such a terrible state?’
Meanwhile, the guy who did the cutting has also fallen foul of Lin,
who uses a surprisingly small amount of acid to wither his legs,
#pained screams#
then sums up the film’s point in one line.
‘You wanted to be a success, now I’ve destroyed your legs, see what you can do about it.’
Yes, of course. This pair will overcome their disabilities and learn Kung Fu.
But, as are the rules of this type of film, they’ll need a guru to teach them.
and fortunately they find one in a fruit basket.
'What are you looking at.'
Why is he is crouching in a fruit basket you ask?
No idea. Because he can.
‘If you two join together you can beat lin chen chung’
He teaches the pair the art of killing with your butt cheeks.
and generally how to beat the crap out of everyone.
As long as everyone throws themselves around a bit.
Leading to some slightly exaggerated deaths.
The voiceovers don’t remotely suit the characters and the lip synching is filled with gaping pauses.
‘How dare you try to… go against me’
Because you don’t want the person you’re voicing over to finish after you or it looks silly. Ha ha ha ha!
There’s also something about Jade horses.
‘The 8 jade horses hold many secrets, if one can understand them he can create unbeatable kung-fu’
I can’t imagine how.
‘That is correct, now I’ve found the secret’
oh well that’s all sorted then.
What makes this different from every other revenge based kung fu film
is that, obviously, the two leads, who appeared together again in the similarly plotted Crippled Heroes
and Fighting Life, are actually disabled.
Although probably not because they fell foul of a bad guy who for some reason has a metal back.
This makes the film basically the kung fu version of Tod Browning’s exploitation classic Freaks.
'You're right.'
and makes viewing it a little uncomfortable cos, be honest, you’re not watching for the plot,
you’re waiting for stuff like this...
Which is very impressive! But does make the whole thing feel a bit sleazy.
'Hahaha I don't know what you are talking about.'
But you can console yourself with the knowledge that the film’s central message is;
these guys are as good as anyone else.
‘You see I’ve got no arms, how can I help you’
Except, the crippled masters can’t actually defeat Lin without help from an able bodied man.
So the film’s message is actually...
‘With respect, you’re both crippled but you’re still useful’
Just not useful enough.
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