In the year of our Lord 2000 and 18 Coleco launched a Kickstarter crowd funding campaign
that brings back their mini arcade machines of 1981.
That’s great right?
Those little machines were awesome and what 80s kid didn’t love getting their Frogger
on?
But curb your enthusiasm right there.
These new Evolved units aren’t quite as cool as the hype would lead you to believe.
The new Coleco Evolved units come in two flavors: Robotech Purple and Rainbow Brite White.
That’s right.
New retro licenses, with games previously not available in portable Coleco handheld
form.
But, new games!
That’s got to be a positive!
I hear your point, but let’s take a moment and analyze this design.
Robotech: The Macross Saga is a previously released GBA port and Rainbow Brite: Journey
to Rainbow Land appears to be an original famicom RPG “thing”.
So ok, that means that the games inside the two units are very different from one another,
but what does that mean for the machines’ internals?
Is each unit using custom hardware specifically tailored to suit its game?
Unlikely.
Are they just supped-up famiclones?
The Coleco Evolved Kickstarter enthusiastically advertises a “Powerful Gaming Chip”.
So let’s examine what that actually means: Famiclones or knock-off unlicensed NES units
commonly run on ASIC technology (which stands for application-specific integrated circuit
– Ok.
I know that’s a lot of words but basically it means the microchip inside has been designed
to run a specific application, in this case that application is emulating an old Nintendo
(and doing a poor job of it.)
So the fact that Robotech is clearly not an NES ROM means that we can rule out existing
Famiclone ASIC processors as a possibility.
That leaves two other real options: this thing is running on either an FPGA or ARMs processor.
FPGAs aren’t very cost effective with most chips costing slightly more than the projected
MSRB of these new handheld units.
There are some budget options however that can handle 32bit applications, and microchips
gets cheaper every year.
So maybe the inclusion of an FPGA processor explains why the projected MSRB of these units
is 70 god damn dollars.
And an FPGA would fit the description of “a powerful gaming chip”.
But why?
Why throw money at a dedicated processor just to run GBA and NES ROMs?
Especially when there’s a cheaper, existing alternative.
And that brings us to ARMs.
Do you know what cheap tiny little computers run on ARM processors?
Raspberry fucking Pies.
And what are Raspberry Pies popularly used for?
Making pretty little emulator boxes.
And, hey what do emulators frequently run?
That’s right, GBA and NES ROM files.
Now I don’t know for a fact that the new Coleco Evolved is a fancy looking Raspberry
Pi.
I’m just suggesting that it would be fiscally irresponsible of the developers if it weren’t
a fancy looking Raspberry Pi.
And if it were would that be a reason not to back the Kickstarter?
No.
Not really, but I also think backers should be aware of what exactly it is that they are
paying for.
And a mysterious “powerful gaming chip” sounds woo-ey as fuck.
And speaking of the backers.
Just who is the intended market for this product?
It seems to have been successfully funded by enthusiastic collectors.
And it’s understandable, those new old shell designs are really pretty.
But if this were simply an over-priced cash grab aimed to capitalize on the feel good
nostalgia of crowd 30-something why not produce faithful reproduction units complete with
the original classic arcade titles they grew up with?
Handheld cabs housing the likes of Frogger, Galaxian, and Ms Pac-Man would sell.
Those licenses couldn’t possibly have cost more than that of Rainbow Brite and Robotech.
Based on the marketing video I think Coleco is hoping to appeal to modern kids, and I
suppose given that angle the new licenses would make sense (if kids these days had any
idea who and what Rainbow Brite and Robotech were).
Coleco has clearly put a lot of money into acquiring these characters and the aesthetics
of the machines look amazing.
But what parent is going to spend $45 to $70 on a retro handheld unit that plays a single
dedicated ROM.
That’s switch cart money.
Hey kid, which you rather have: that old GBA Robotech game at 600% mark-up?
Or Splatoon 2?
I know what I’d pick.
Ok so maybe don’t buy Robotech, but that still leaves us Rainbow Brite.
The game is completely new, and an RPG.
Now that sounds like a badass concept.
And the trailer certainly shows something that’s both bad and ass; in it Rainbow Brite
wanders through barren stages occasionally spitting rocks at bugs and eating unicorns.
My immediate concerns for this trailer are one, it looks generic and two, it looks boring.
For a place called Rainbow Land, the landscape is dominated by a whole lot of monochrome
green.
Almost as if it were a generic Zelda knock-off with a licensed avatar dropped in as an afterthought.
And the gameplay?
Well let’s just say I think this presents a pretty insulting lack-of-challenge for what
is obviously intended to be the girl version of the Coleco Evolved.
Basically my opinion is: avoid this Kickstarter.
And if you really want a handheld arcade unit wait for the recently announced Neo Geo Mini
where for the low-low price of whatever they decide to charge (but I’m going to assume
is less than $70 a game) you’ll at least get 40 good titles to play.
Because the Coleco Evolved is a junk product designed to prey on your nostalgia, your children,
and your gullibility.