How's it? My name is Dita and it has come to my attention of late that there
are haters on the internet that are dragging my name through the mud and bringing up some
things from our past that yes I might not be so proud of, however I'm here now to park my
dumper truck right on the railroad to stop the toxic hate train from rolling in and to that end...
I'm sorry to my dear neighbor Fred. When I sold you that dog I did not know it was dead. Okay
fine I tried to revive it on the kitchen floor, I think I might have just killed it some more. And
I'm sorry to that group of fat Christian moms, I did not know those candles I sold you were bombs.
Starting a business on Facebook was always my dream, I had not even heard of a pyramid scheme.
"We never received our makeup products" they would scream and shout. How was I supposed to know I had
to mail them out? And I'm sorry for ruining Daniel Craig's life. How was I supposed to know he had a
wife? And I should have checked that that very, very big boat was moored. I was merely trying to
do a little insurance fraud. And Gwyneth Paltrow I'm sorry to you just now, but truth be told you can
be a cow. You were serving bone broth there were gallons and tons, it's really no surprise that I
got the runs. Look it was really nothing that your cleaner couldn't handle and I made it
right by buying a vagina candle which I tried to sell on Facebook but that was a fail because
by now the fat Christian moms were in jail. I said listen to me Karens, black lives matter! But all
they did was get more Christian and fatter. They were throwing barbells at people in the street it
was quite a show and they got put away nothing to do with me though. But I am sorry for going on
that trip to North Korea, people said "Dita you have much to fear." They almost shot me when I tried
to sleep with their men, TripAdvisor one star I will not be going again. I did a few things that
weren't good and look maybe I am quite sorry for pinching that baby. I apologize at the time I had
had a spliff and I apologize for pushing his pram off a cliff. I'm also quite sorry for swimming naked
in the bare in that lovely fountain in Trafalgar Square but it was a horrible day it was much too
hot my thighs were rubbing like I don't know what. And I'm sorry to my gardener Mr. Moore and I'm sorry
that I called his mum a whore. I'll admit it was my bad as I sit here and strum, I should never have
put the garden hose up your bum. And to my contractor Jeff, I apologize with haste but I resent that you
have called me two-faced. When I said I loved your sense of humor and wit and then told my sister
your personality's shit. Honestly Jeff just stop talking to me and build my house! To my psychic
Miranda who had excitement in her eyes when she told me she knew she'd win a lottery prize, so I
smacked her silly and I left her for dead and I took the lottery ticket for myself instead. Oh
it was only for 20 Rand - it cost me 25 to send her get well soon card. And I'm sorry to Condoleezza Rice
for spreading a rumor that she had lice. That one is quite short but that is that,
I stole this ukulele from a monkey in a hat. And lest I forget my worst crime of late, for loving
too much and being quite great. I am thought of quite highly and I'll allow you to quote that it's
not my fault that I am the GOAT. But it was not me who stole the dead sea scrolls and it was not
me who defaced those totem poles or ruined that golf course by gouging those holes and really
I never slapped Camilla Parker Bowles, although I suspect she deserved it. But it was not me who
pushed over that crane and it was not me who left that stain and it was not me who hijacked that
plane and it was not me who tried to overthrow Spain and I did not try to poison Taylor Swift.
I promise that cocktail was only a gift, but I did set for her a very large trip
because I do tend to think her music is crap. And I'm taking accountability
for that melonI stole from Safeway. It was not even a very good melon. But look I've told you my
truth and I've spilled all the beans, but I don't really know what accountability means.
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