(dramatic music plays)
- I was working most
of my gigs for the Funny Bone Comedy Club
and I was a prominent headliner for them in 1996
and making about two grand a week.
And they would fly me to the gigs
and I wasn't paying my taxes.
So it even felt like I was making more money
than I was and living pretty (bleep) good.
(audience laughs)
And so the guy that owned that chain of clubs realized
that I was working 42 weeks a year for him.
So he didn't have to pay me that much money
'cause what the (bleep) else would I do?
You know, where am I gonna go get those kinda gigs?
You know? I just, I don't know.
And so he cuts my pay from two grand an air
to 1500 and flat.
And I told him to go eat a steaming bowl of (bleep).
(audience laughs)
Okay, cut to years later, Blue Collar Comedy Tour happens.
We sell 10 million albums.
I start touring.
I play Radio City Music Hall, and I'm, you know,
just things I never even dreamed of.
I'm from a little dirt town in northwest Texas.
And I'm on my tour bus,
it's late at night, and I'm driving back to Atlanta.
And Wednesday night, when I get back to Atlanta,
when I have a house
and I'm gonna be the auctioneer at this huge charity event
and a tuxedo called the East Lake Foundation.
And so that's my big charity of the year,
so it's a big deal.
And I do it every year.
And I'm real (bleep) drunk in my bus, which happens all,
we get what we call bus (bleep) up in that bus
where your only goal is to stay sober enough
to make it to where your (bleep) bunk is.
And I've barely done it.
And underneath my bed on the bunk,
there's a drawer that's refrigerated and I can get water.
And I've just had a bunch of dental work done
and all these are crowns on the front of my teeth.
And, and so, and one
of 'em had been loose and it had fallen off.
And it was this one right here, that bad boy right there.
And I stuck it back on
with a piece of toilet paper in there.
(audience laughs)
And it had been on there for quite a while.
It stuck on, and it looked great.
Look, my teeth look great.
None of 'em are real.
None of this shit's real.
None of 'em. Not one (bleep) thing of this is real.
And so I'm gulping
down this water drunk on my bus late at night
and the tooth comes off and I swallow it.
And I understand the ramifications of this
the second that it happens, because we live here too.
And the dentist that did, it's in Beverly Hills.
That tooth cost 2,000 (bleep) dollars.
And I need it for Wednesday night.
And I know where it is.
(audience laughs)
So I go onto the internet,
"what do you do if you swallow a tooth?"
Well, it says take laxatives,
which I figured that was part of it,
and **** in a trash can and then mull around
in the trash can until you find your tooth.
Now, I literally have a 10th grade high school education
but still,
I thought strainer.
(audience laughs)
**** in a strainer.
Take the strainer over the sink
and like you're panning for (bleep) gold.
Just run water over the turd and let it dissolve
and whatever's left is left.
But you're not gonna miss this (bleep) turd, right?
(audience laughs)
So I take everything.
I'm doing these (bleep) liquid things.
I'm doing everything
'cause I gotta get this tooth.
It's gotta come out by Wednesday.
'cause I need it so (bleep) bad.
And it's really going bad.
And I take it, I'm eating a lot of food.
I'm trying to shovel this stuff out.
Anyone hear want the rest of the story?
It's gross, I know, I know it is.
And I'm actually holding a strainer underneath my butt
******** in it,
trying to find this precious piece of porcelain.
But then I find at the store this thing
where it's a strainer, but it has these things that
you could pull out and put it on a pot, or a pot.
And so now I'm (bleep) hooked up, right?
So I can put,
I can put this thing down, then put the lid down
and I don't have to hold this thing between my legs
to **** my tooth into my (bleep) bucket, right?
(audience laughs)
So now I'm way more high tech than I used to be.
(audience laughs)
And it's day two.
And I'm like, "oh my God, come on. Wednesday, come on."
And I really, I was so sick of it.
And the only thing that started kept me going was
I started to pretending that that was Nancy Grace's mouth.
(audience laughs)
And -
Because if you just thought, you know,
I'm just ******** in Nancy Grace's mouth,
and you can keep going, you know,
you can keep going for a little while.
Day three, turd, nice turd,
we catch in the strainer bucket.
High tech, take it over, rinsing it off.
Last chance from romance right here.
My gig is in four hours and there's the tooth.
I found the (bleep) tooth and I put it in a dishwasher.
You think I was just gonna shove it back in my mouth?
And I, we go down there
and the (bleep) gig was postponed to the next night.
I was like -
Anyway, there's my story.
Thanks a lot guys.