- Alright.
Let's get started.
These things always make me a little nervous,
but I don't want you to be nervous, Damien.
This is just your standard 90-day eval HR
gives to all new employees,
so if at any time you feel the need
to contribute something please don't hesitate to speak up.
- Drink from one of the goblets from the three goats' blood
from the nine circles of hell to meet your true maker.
- Thanks, but I'm more of a smoothie guy.
You might want to talk to Mary in finance.
I hear she really likes that rum with gold flakes.
Anyway, uh, even though there are good pieces of feedback
such as you're a very punctual employee,
(card scanner beeps)
there's still some room for improvement.
For instance, one of the most consistent pieces of feedback
circles around your respiratory issues.
(heavy breathing)
Now we do provide excellent health care coverage
you might--
(cellphone clicks)
Ahem.
(text tone)
Ass I was say--
(text tone)
(expletive censored)
Let's move on, um, some of your colleagues
have also mentioned you can be confrontational, at times.
- We need a paradigm shift people.
Let's be an agent of change and square
the circle of synergize next gen ideas.
Who'd like to start?
Damian?
- If Jesus is not your Lord then Lucifer is.
- You think you can come up here with your voluptuous horns
and impress me with your (censor) fancy NBA jargon, pal?
Impress me with (censor) results.
(growling)
(cameras click)
- You may want to take advantage of some of the
sensitivity training courses we offer,
free of charge of course.
Yes?
(tapping fingers)
No?
Think about it.
(tapping fingers)
Okay, now playing devil's advocate here
the positive side is your colleagues think you
fit in quite well with the company culture.
(upbeat music)
- I can't believe he got that (censor)
six city process down to five.
- Genius.
(squeaking ball)
♫ Can I hit that
♫ Are ya with that
♫ Can I really really hit it from the back back
♫ Can I hit that
♫ Are ya with that
♫ Can I really really hit it from the back back
♫ Can I hit that
♫ Are ya with that
♫ Can I really really hit it from the back back
(record scratches)
(chewing)
- Sup?
(upbeat music)
(energetic party music)
(soft lobby music)
(text tone)
- Boom, bitch, fire clots!
(laser pistol pews)
(fire rumbles)
(fire alarm rings)
(Man screams)
(energetic party music)
(soft music)
The top brass say you are exactly
the kind of positive influencer
they look for when management opportunities come around.
So,
keep up the good work.
(slow band march music)
- Haaaa, big D!
Whoa, looks like someone's in need of a mani.
I go to the spa downtown, get me the works.
Mani, pedi, massage, happy ending.
(laughs) Know what I'm sayin'?
Know what I'm sayin', yeah?
Me and you, D, we should go hit it up together.
Share a room, share a masseuse.
(funky music)
Get one of those erotic massages.
Mmm, that's my style.
(metallic bells ring)
(dramatic music)
(man screams)