- Ms. Pat, everybody.
Give it up for Ms. Pat.
(audience cheering)
- Tonight, I'm gonna tell you
how my big titties saved my life.
(audience laughing)
So it was the summer of 1988,
I'm 16 years old.
I got two kids, two and one-years-old,
and I'm living in the hood in Atlanta.
And in this hood, I'm trying to survive,
so I go out and start me a small business.
Well, I was selling crack,
but we gonna call it a small business tonight.
(audience laughing)
Okay, white people?
(audience laughing)
'Cause when you're 16-years-old in the hood
and you got two kids,
there's only two things you can do for a job,
either sell drugs or sell your body,
so I did the one that paid the most.
(audience laughing)
So I had to advertise this businesses,
and I couldn't go out, you know,
and try to get no fuckin' commercial,
no flashy signs, or no shit like that.
So I had to advertise the way we do in the hood.
I went out and bought me a 1980 Fleetwood Cadillac
from the junk yard for $500,
and I put 9500 into it, rims and paint.
So I take this car and I paint it pearl white
with 1,001 gold flakes in it.
Now, white people,
you probably don't know what the hell I'm talking about,
but when you got a paint job with 1,001 gold flakes,
you the shit in the hood.
(audience laughing)
So I'm sitting in my car one day with one of my clients,
running inventory through my small business.
(audience laughing)
I always had to keep a client in the car with me
'cause I was 16-years-old with a learner's permit
and I didn't want to risk the chance
of losing my fucking permit.
(audience laughing)
So I'm sitting there one day and one of my rivals walk up
and he hit the back of my car and he just yelled,
"Rabbit, get the hell out of the car with your fat ass."
Now, Rabbit is my hood name,
'cause you can't go by your real name in the hood.
Patricia don't sound tough at all.
(audience laughing)
I get out of the car, and we arguing,
and he fuckin' spit on my car.
Now it wasn't no regular spit, people,
'cause I wouldn't have got mad.
It was a type of spit that he pulled from his damn navel.
(audience laughing)
The first thing I'm thinking like,
"This fucker done fuckin' chipped one of my gold flakes."
(audience laughing)
I paid a lot of money for that paint job.
So I go to my car 'cause I gotta be tough,
and I'm a girl.
I reach in the car and grabbed my baby bag,
and I moved the Pampers over,
then I moved the crack over, then I get my pistol.
(audience laughing)
'Cause, you know, I'm a good mama,
you got to keep all this shit together.
(audience laughing)
So I take my gun and I stick it to his dick.
And I said, "Now get that shit off of my car,
before I turn your dick into a blooming onion."
(audience laughing)
He wiped the spit off,
and I said, "Now get the hell outta here."
He walks away, he gets halfway up the hill,
and he turned around, and he was like,
"When I come back, bitch, I'm gonna kill you."
Now I'm from the hood, you hear that shit everyday,
you don't believe it till they lay you down.
(audience laughing)
White people,
don't let this white guilt get you, okay?
Relax, this shit is funny.
(audience laughing)
Five minutes later, I'm serving customers,
and he come back in there and he's shooting.
Now, I don't know if you've ever been
in a shootout with black people before,
but when they come down the hill
and they're running and they shoot,
I think that make the bullets go faster.
(audience laughing)
But I wanna shoot back, 'cause I got my pistol in my hand.
But what I realized,
my pistol wouldn't shoot because the shit was on safety.
Now, I don't know if you ever been in a shootout before,
but if you ever in a shootout
and you're shooting your shit on safety,
you not in a shootout any longer.
(audience laughing)
You being shot at.
(audience laughing)
So I take off running, and I'm running down the hill,
and my fuckin' titties just flying in my face.
(audience laughing)
And I'm trying to hold my titties down,
'cause you know, these titties young,
they took off running before I did.
(audience laughing)
I run down the hill and I jumped over this fence,
and I run into my girlfriend house.
She was like, "Why you got blood all over your shirt?"
And I looked down and I'm like,
"Damn, I done snapped my fucking nip on the fence."
(audience laughing)
She called 911, y'all,
and the EMT pull up, a little white guy.
And he was like, "Ma'am, what happened?"
I'm like,
"I think I snagged my fucking nip on the fence."
(audience laughing)
So the EMT guy tried to take my bra off,
and, you know, I got a big set of titties,
I've had these same titties since the third grade.
(audience laughing)
So he's back there trying to take my bra off,
and he's struggling like hell.
I was like,
"Oh, evidently you never dealt with real titties,
let me give you a hand, EMT."
(audience laughing)
So I had to bend my back in,
where my back titties will help him unbutton my bra.
(audience laughing)
So he take my bra loose
and then my right titty just fall out
like it was in a drive-by.
(audience laughing)
So he picked it up and he's like,
"I think you've been shot."
I was like, "You think I been shot?"
So he lifted my arm up, and he was like,
"You got an entrance and it came out through your nipple,
that's your exit."
So I'm thinking like, "This fucker blew my nip off?"
(audience laughing)
"Like a bull dyke?"
(audience laughing)
So he's like, "I need to get you to the hospital."
So I get to the hospital, y'all,
and the doctor examined my titty, he was like,
"Ma'am, he blew your nip off."
I'm like, "I fuckin' heard."
(audience laughing)
He was like, "Well, ma'am, you really lucky,
because if you was an A-cup, you would have died."
Them little titties would've got you killed, baby.
(audience laughing)
'Cause these real titties, they save lives.
(intense music)
Thank you all so much, I'm Ms. Pat.