These days staying healthy
seems harder than ever.
Following even the most basic health advice seems impossible,
which brings us to tonight's big question,
what the bleep do you people want from me?
From me.
First we need to get
enough exercise.
In general, adults should get
about five hours a week of moderate exercise,
or two and a half hours or more of intense activity,
or some combination of the two.
It's crazy that humans
have to make time to exercise.
We have to go to a room and lift heavy things just to be healthy.
You know who didn't have to have time for exercise, cavemen,
because they were too busy staying alive.
They didn't need to spend an hour
walking up stairs that never went anywhere.
They were just busy spending all their day
running away from a saber tooth tiger.
That's why every week I set a tiger free in the park
just to help others.
But fine, let's say you find
a few hours a week to exercise. What else?
Ages 18 to 64, regular sleep,
seven to nine hours is recommended.
I will try.
Bleep off.
Seven to nine hours just sleeping.
Sleep sucks. It's when bad things happen.
People die suddenly.
You could oversleep and lose your job.
No one's ever caused an accident by falling awake at the wheel.
Plus, nighttime when's the ghosts come out
and stand at the foot of your bed watching you sleep.
Hey, ghosts, why are you watching me sleeping
instead of haunting a women's locker room at the Equinox Gym.
You're an asshole ghost. Bleep you ghost.
I hope you die. Die more.
It's not just enough to get your impossible seven to nine hours.
Consistent and regular sleep
health patterns are important.
Where you're going to bed and waking up at the same time.
Where you have a cool, quiet, dark room.
Putting your devices away.
You're not drinking caffeine or alcohol right before bed,
and you're exercising on a daily basis.
Who can do that?
Nobody goes to bed the same time every night.
What if you're out with friends?
What if you're at a baseball game
and it runs into extra innings, or you have to bury a corpse,
and then you go back to your car,
and then you're realize you've accidentally
buried your key in the hole.
So you go back and you dig up your key,
and then you get the key, and you get back in the car,
and now you've already lost a couple hours sleep.
So you're tired.
You fall asleep at the wheel, and you hit a skateboarding kid.
Kind of looks like a runaway. No one will miss him.
Should I bury him? Yeah, probably should.
So you bury the kid, and then you get back to your car,
the bleep key thing again. So.
Then by the time you get home
you've only got a about three hours sleep,
and you can't sleep because there's a skateboard ghost
at the end of your bed.
By far the hardest part
of staying healthy is eating right,
and for most of us the damage is already done
thanks to the good old fashioned US Food Pyramid.
The wide bottom of the pyramid
gave many the impression that eating a diet
with lots of carbs was good,
but decades later, the fallout from the food pyramid
may have accidentally made our diets less healthy,
and quite possibly made the obesity
and diabetes problem even worse.
It was a triangle
where the biggest, widest bit at the bottom
was full of pasta and bread.
If you eat that pyramid your body
will look like that pyramid, and we hang this up in schools,
and we're all taught the old saying,
an Alfredo sandwich a day keeps the doctor away.
The chest pains mean it's working.
Now in all fairness it's better
than the food pyramid from the 1950s
where level two is just asbestos and cigarettes,
but now we know that everyone should eat
more fruit and vegetables, and what does more actually mean
because research says I need 10 servings of fruit everyday,
and that just seems like way too much bleep fruit.
Note to self, look up how many servings of juniper
berries are in a whole thing of gin.
I hope it's 10.
There just aren't enough
bleep hours in the day. I can't sleep and workout
and eat an entire Edible Arrangement
and drink eight glasses of water each day,
and still have enough protein and vitamins and antioxidants
and probiotics and good fats,
and I need satisfaction from a full-time job.
I also need to spend time
with family and friends,
but I can't text them or call them
because screen time is bad,
and of course I need time for self care like meditation
and what not.
Plus I have to wank three times a week to stop prostate cancer.
Actually that one's pretty easy.
We have three commercial breaks during this show,
but what the bleep do you people
want from me?I'm doing my best to be healthy,
but it's only stressing me out.
You may be more stressed
than you want to be,
and it really has bad repercussions on your health.
It's linked to all six leading causes of death.
We'll be right back.