Uh, I wanted to start by talking about,
like, maybe audition stories.
’Cause the show is about acting.
(horn honking)
Hey, (bleep)!
(cheering and applause)
No! No, no, no! No!
Brake!
SPADE: Oh, no.
-Oh, good. -That was great.
-That was great. That was scary. -Oh, my God.
Stephen, I didn’t want you to go off.
-SPADE: I know. -CARDEN: That was scary. Truly scary.
-HADER: Oh. -Well, continue. Go ahead. Whatever.
-Oh, shit. Hey, Stephen Root. -Is that what you travel in?
-I-I’m spokesman for this now. -Oh.
-That’s weird. -SPADE: He’s in the Hells Angels. All right.
Stephen, we’re gonna talk about, uh, audition stories.
-Ooh. -So, anybody who’s got one, jump in.
Uh, I mean, the thing about audition stories--
and correct me if I’m wrong-- but once you do them,
and if they’re bad, you black them out f--
-They’re so painful. I... -WINKLER: Bad auditions?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -CARDEN: Yes. I-I flush them down the toilet.
I was doing a group audition, and the guy called
the woman auditioning with me "honey,"
and I was like, "Oh, are you guys married?"
-as a way to just kind of get him. -SPADE: Mm-hmm.
-And it did not go well. -Whoa.
-Did he shut you sort of down after that? -Yeah, and it hurt.
-Yeah. You knew it was over? -HADER: Was he Australian?
-No. (laughs) -Was he like, "Get out of here"?
He’s like, "What are you--" Yeah. Oh, I just did Cockney.
"I don’t want you in here. -Yeah. He did do that.
-I call everybody ’honey.’" All right. -Yeah.
-He did do that, Bill. -Hen-Henry and I had to audition
-for this young man right here. -Me, too. -Oh.
-Yeah, you all had to audition for me. -Yeah.
-Oh! -(cackles) No, it-- Everyone’s audition was amazing.
-ROOT: It was terrifying. It was horrible. -And then-- No...
Because we don’t-- Henry and I don’t audition a lot anymore
and, uh, probably hadn’t auditioned for a year.
-That’s ’cause I never get a call. -Yeah, I can tell.
When did Bill stroll in in his mink coat and go,
-"I’ll read with this guy"? -Yeah, yeah.
(gruffly): Everybody out.
(laughing)
-Uh... -Henry, you didn’t have to audition for this show.
-I did. I did. -This one here? -I showed up, I showed up
-for the... -SPADE: No, my show. -David Spade’s show. -No, no.
I actually got the call, and they sent me the contract.
(stammers) We all read for David, to-to be on this show.
-No, I did not have to. -Oh, wow, Henry. -You got offer only?
-Wait, Henry, what? Look at you. Who is your agent? -Hold on.
Hey, when I do late-night...
Wow, the leg!
-Do you know who Lee Grant is? -Lee Grant?
-The actress. -I do. I saw Lee Grant, first time,
on, uh, Johnny Humor.
Lee Grant was at the Improv one night when I was 20.
-CARDEN: Okay, go on. -And, uh, I didn’t know who she was.
But she came out and she said, "Hey, can you--
"I just have to have you be in this movie.
"We need a 17-year-old, but you can play 17.
-And you’d be the lead." -I was like, "Oh, my God."
I have no acting experience, but I thought
I was naturally gifted. So...
Ev-- I think everyone’s drawn into this.
So she had me come over and read it.
And I sort of read it like this.
But then I-- I didn’t know what I was doing, so I just read.
And then she goes, "Oh, you’re performing it."
I go, "Yes!"
She goes, "But you’re not acting."
I go, "Is that bad?"
And she goes, "Yeah." And she goes,
"I wanted to give it to you so badly, and I can’t."
And I was-- It was so sick. And then I had to--
And then I did two years of acting class.
But I missed probably 30 auditions in a row
just ’cause I thought I was naturally funny.
But it’s so different auditioning
-and then just being sort of funny. -WINKLER: Yes, it’s true.
Paul-Paul Rudd told me a funny audition story that--
Paul said that he chose to smoke.
-Like, his character smoked. -Yeah.
-So he smoked in the audition and, like, did the thing. -Yeah.
And then he dropped it in the scene,
-like, on the carpet and, like, -Oh, no.
-did-- put it out. -SPADE: Oh, shit.
And then they were like, "That was great."
And they were like, "Hey, you need to clean that up."
(laughing)
So he did this big scene and then had to, like,
get all the-- pick up the ashes and stuff off.
He said it was a really nice carpet.
He was like, "I don’t know. I was just in the moment."
I’ve had people-- I did an audition once for someone,
and the woman-- uh, the casting director stopped me
in the middle of the audition and she said, "Hey, um,
-you know this is a comedy, right?" -CARDEN: Oof.
-SPADE: Oh. "Oof" is right. -I’m not getting...
-And I was like... (groans) -Oof.
-Oh, boy. -(squeakily): Bye, everybody.
-Yeah. -Bye, Hollywood. -(chuckles) Bye, Hollywood.
I almost-- This is a weird side note,
but I used to be
Bill Hader’s... child’s nanny.
-She was my nanny forever. -For many years.
-For many years. -Yeah. Yeah. -SPADE: Oh.
So, and we... and-and...
So when the audition for Barry came around,
I almost was like...
I almost called you to be like, "Let’s not do this.
"This is gonna be weird.
"You’re gonna have to say ’no.’
We’re old friends. Let’s just let it go."
-Did you call the kid to put in a good word? -Yeah, I did.
-And you know what? She... -HADER: And my daughter...
My daughter just woke me up at, like, 4:00 in the morning,
-like, "You will hire D’Arcy." -Yeah.
(laughter)
"Father, you’ll hire D’Arcy, won’t you?"
(applause)
-SPADE: All right. -She’s petting a cat.
-CARDEN: You don’t... -Okay, okay, okay, okay.