Transcriber: Neeta Bhansali Reviewer: Ross Edwards
Technically, I am mentally ill.
And sure, I would be the first to admit
that I don't like to say this about myself,
given the stigma and the connotation behind the phrase.
But it's a biological fact.
And though it makes me pretty uncomfortable,
it's something that's really important for me to embrace.
[OCD]
I have OCD
or obsessive compulsive disorder,
which, simply put, means that a lot of times
when I get an anxious thought or worry in my head, I can't get rid of it.
At least, that's the obsessive part.
The compulsive part can be best explained with an example.
See, there can be instances
when I might hold my breath for a designated chunk of time,
because I've associated that area with being good or bad.
An inhale of breath is good, and an exhale of breath is bad.
See, maybe this area over here.
If that was a "good area",
if I walk through it, I'm going to hold my inhale, like this.
It's seemingly weird little things like this that are a part
of my everyday life.
Worries, thoughts, actions.
But there's nothing, absolutely nothing, to be ashamed or scared about.
And that's what I'm here to talk to you about tonight.
Back in December, Carrie Fisher passed away.
If you don't know her by name, think Princess Leia from Star Wars.
Carrie was an incredible woman: funny, energetic, outgoing
and unapologetically herself.
But now I invite you to think of her as more
than the iconic character she portrayed.
See, Carrie struggled with bipolar disorder for her entire life.
She would have these massive mood swings:
one moment she'd be incredibly cheery and energetic,
and the next she'd be severely depressed.
This, her mental illness, affected her day-to-day life.
But, instead of letting it consume her, she let it define her,
but not in the negative way you may expect.
Carrie embraced her mental illness,
and she made it a part of her that she was proud of.
This is something that I aspire to do and help others to do as well.
Not only did Carrie live unapologetically, but she lived her life to the fullest.
One off day didn't stop her,
and one off day or bad thought doesn't stop me either.
To me, the hardest part about anxiety has always been addressing it:
how do I talk about this?
This thing that I have and experience every day.
How do I say I have anxiety? What is anxiety?
How can I be taken seriously
and not be considered to be too uptight or overly emotional?
How do I respond when people jokingly say: "Oh, I'm so OCD,"
without really knowing what that means?
It can be hard to navigate, but I do my best to do it anyway.
[rational? irrational?]
The thoughts I get can be random.
They can seem completely rational or completely irrational.
And see, to me, that's the biggest issue.
Because sometimes when I'm trying to just calm myself down,
I don't know if that thought that's in my head
is in fact something that's well within the realm of reality
or way outside of it.
And this feeling can be terrifying.
Take any random thought.
I don't know, maybe "nobody likes me" or something.
I could tell myself: "Woah, that's not true."
I have tons of friends, I know lots of people,
I'm up here speaking to you.
I love hanging out with my teammates, and they enjoy my company too.
Heck, multiple people hugged me in the hall today during school.
But despite that,
despite knowing that there are people who think I'm a good person,
who genuinely enjoy my company and love me,
I might still dwell on the idea of nobody liking me,
without any solid evidence or really any reason to think that at all.
After that thought gets in my head,
it's possible that I might take the way that somebody doesn't smile at me
as evidence for that idea that I'm not well liked.
Or maybe the way that I haven't talked to a friend in a long time,
as a sign that they don't appreciate me.
The way that somebody pushed past me in the hall in the rush to get to class
without saying sorry as a sign that I'm not worth apologizing to.
It's not really rational at all,
but, at the same time, because of my OCD, it feels like it is.
And part of having anxiety
is sometimes feeling incredibly overwhelmed with emotions.
There can be times when you have these kinds of thoughts all day,
and, at the end of it, you're just overloaded.
There's too much on your mind and too much for you to sort through.
And in these instances when you feel completely swamped
and have no idea where to turn,
there's one thing I think can help pretty much anyone,
and there's one thing that I wish I had learned earlier,
and that I hope I continue to feel okay about as I grow older.
And that one thing is that it's okay to cry.
[It's okay to cry]
In fact, it's good to cry.
It's natural to cry.
Years ago, when I was much younger, I fell off my bike, and I scraped my knee.
It hurt, and I cried.
Of course I did. I was eight, and I was in pain.
It would've been weird if I didn't cry.
Crying is a human reaction. It happens for a reason.
And I could probably tell you the science behind why we cry,
or at least I could if I researched it,
but I'm not the right person to ask about that.
I am the right person, however, to remind you that it is okay to cry.
It's okay to break down, it's okay to not know what to do or where to go,
and it's okay to feel that pool of heat and uneasiness settle in your stomach
when you get super anxious.
But no, these things aren't very fun to have happen,
but you have to embrace it.
Let it out. Let that worry go, and just give yourself a break.
Take a second to let yourself feel vulnerable,
to feel free and unrestrained and just be whoever you need to be.
That is what's going to help you sort through
this jumble of emotions with an ease that might not have been there before.
But crying isn't the only thing
that can help with getting through these overwhelming feelings either.
There are so many different things.
For example, I don't really dance ...
at all.
But there have been a few times where I've gone into a room,
cranked up my classic rock music and just danced it out,
singing along to "Mamma Mia" at the top of my lungs.
Other times I've gone to my piano
and just played it for what seems like hours.
I've picked up my favorite book and lost myself in it.
I've called a friend and talked to them.
I've done countless things
to busy myself when I've felt that overwhelming fog of worries.
So my advice to you is to find something that works to busy your own mind.
You can draw, paint, write, garden, mow the lawn, maybe clean your room,
run, go sit in your favorite chair - anything on this list and more.
I promise you there's something.
And even if it feels like there's nothing, there's going to be something.
So find it, and keep that little action, or idea or place in your back pocket
for whenever you feel you need it.
Granted, maybe something a little more discreet
than dance parties to "500 Miles,"
but whatever works for you is yours to own.
And there are a few other things that I want to touch on before I wrap up.
And that's just what I think that anxiety has done for me in a positive manner.
I think that some of the characteristics that I'm most proud of,
the things that make me, me, are maybe due to my anxiety.
And again, this is something that I am speaking for myself personally,
and it's important to remember everybody's experience is so different.
And my trying to find positive aspects in who I am because of my anxiety
is part of my way that I embrace it,
and it doesn't mean that for somebody else there might not be any positives,
but that's okay.
But for me, part of living with my anxiety is finding a positive light,
so I can own it.
And my thing, my positive light, is that I like to be nice to people.
Yes, I know that makes me sound like a dork,
but it's true, and I really mean it.
I find happiness in making others happy, making others feel like
they're acknowledged and loved and just appreciated.
My happiness is rooted in kindness and empathy,
and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
And yes, I don't know if I like to be nice to people
because of my anxiety, or if that's just who I am,
but, honestly, I don't really know if there's a difference,
and I don't think I really care if there's a difference
because my kindness is a part of me and my anxiety is another.
And yes, there's a difference in causation and correlation
as I'm sure you have learned in your statistics class,
but, for this one, it's really hard for me to tell.
But one thing that I do know for sure, without a doubt,
is that it sucks to feel down,
and it sucks to feel bad about yourself.
and it hurts when somebody doesn't show you that they care.
So my mindset is why make others feel the way that I hate feeling?
Why not make them feel the opposite,
make them feel happy and sure of themselves?
See, making others happy, in turn makes me happy,
and who doesn't like to be happy?
But what I'm trying to get at is,
much like finding an action or place or whatever it may be,
try to find something about yourself that makes you proud,
that makes you feel like you, your best self, and embody it.
Hold the door for somebody for a few extra seconds.
Listen to your music extra loud
when you need to just take time for yourself.
Go take beautiful pictures. Laugh uncontrollably.
Be yourself and own it.
[Talk about it. Embrace it]
And no, there is no cure for anxiety.
It just is.
But that being said, there are things you can do about it.
You can take medication; you can go to therapy.
I mean, I've known I've had OCD since I was in fifth grade,
and since that same time I've tried numerous different types of medications,
trying to find one that worked for me.
And I have. And I've taken it every morning since.
And I've also gone to therapy.
And same as with my medication,
it took a while to find a person that worked well with me.
But I have, and now, though I don't go every week,
I go when I need to or when I feel like it'd be a good idea.
And it helps. It really, seriously helps.
I know that there's this stigma around this idea of therapy,
I mean, that's an entirely different conversation,
but just talking to somebody
who knows how to help you and understands what you're feeling
is so valuable.
And on that note, there's always an uptrend.
I promise.
For some it comes with time,
others with using medication and going to therapy,
and, for people like me, with all three.
But whatever it is, whenever it is, it will come.
And yes, in these past 12 years
I could tell you almost every instance when I've had a panic attack,
when everything has felt like too much,
and my mind was spinning , and my body was too hot and hyperaware,
and just everything was overwhelming.
But I can also tell you, in that same amount of time,
about the countless instances where I've been happier than ever.
For as many panic attacks that I've had,
I've had at least double the amount of laugh attacks,
and I promise you that's an accurate statistic.
To finish off, I want to remind you about something,
something that I remind myself.
If you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders,
that's okay.
If you can't pinpoint what's stressing you out,
that's okay.
If you don't know how you feel,
that is so okay.
But here's my advice to you:
talk about it.
Don't do any of this alone because you're not.
Finding someone to talk to,
about whatever you need to, whenever you need to.
That's invaluable,
and it doesn't necessarily have to be a therapist.
And I know this can feel scary.
It could feel like, "Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter. I'll be okay."
And yes, you'll be okay.
But part of getting there, to being okay,
that I think is really important, is not bottling it all up.
I mean, have you ever shaken a soda,
when you really shouldn't because that's going to spill guys,
(Laughter)
At some point when you open that cap, it fizzes over,
and that cleanup is very messy.
And I know that, for at least me personally,
I like to, and I kind of have to, prevent that fizz before it happens
because cleaning up along the way is far easier
than cleaning up after that cap has come off.
It's different for everyone,
but I really suggest you try it my way because it's worked for me.
Just try talking about it.
And here's the deal.
Like I've been saying over and over, anxiety is different for everyone,
so I can only speak from what experience I've had with it.
But maybe, hopefully, some parts of this talk have resonated with you
and will help you embrace your own anxiety
and help others embrace theirs.
Worrying isn't fun. Anxiety isn't fun.
OCD is not fun, no, not by any means.
But it's not going to overtake you. I can promise you that.
Take a step back, talk to people, take time for yourself,
find what makes you happy, know it's okay to cry and have bad days,
but remember that you are an incredible person.
You're strong, and anxiety doesn't change either of those facts.
Embrace it and realize that you aren't defined by it.
Embrace anxiety and live your life the way that you want to: happily.
Thank you .
(Applause)