- Yay, you guys look so excited.
This is lit, good, good.
You guys look like real couples that's good.
I don't like dates at comedy shows.
I feel like it's a move on the dude's part.
You know what I mean?
It's like, you take a girl to a show
where you can't talk for two hours.
I make her laugh and then you?
It's like, can I put a finger in?
I feel cheated, you know,
it's bullshit.
I was with this date once
they were sitting in the front,
and I asked the girl,
I was like, yo, have you kissed him yet?
And she said, no.
For whatever reason
the crowd got like super hiked.
She was like, no.
And the crowd was like kiss, kiss, kiss.
And I ain't gonna lie, like it hyped me up.
I was like, oh yeah, y'all need to kiss.
And then they did.
Yeah.
And then for the rest of the show,
the dude was just looking at me like, say,
say, say.
I hate this COVID, is weird.
I'm sick of it.
I just hate like, you know,
like you know,
like you ever like itch your eye
I'ma die now.
I don't like that.
I miss it.
I miss my old fears, you know?
I miss the I used to be scared of.
My biggest fear before COVID was white women.
Yeah, it's too believable.
You know what I mean?
Like a white woman could walk up to a cop,
like officer,
he and the cop would be like,
don't you finish that sense?
He murdered you.
Like, what the?
You know, there's levels to my fear.
Like the first level is white ladies with glasses,
very scary.
I see you miss.
I feel like glasses on a white woman,
is like a do-rag on us.
You know what I mean?
It's like, I know you need it,
but oh my God.
As white people see a with a do-rag,
what do you think?
I might get robbed, right?
I see a white lady in glasses,
I'm like, she's gonna rob my career.
Just one tweet away, Susan.
I'm teasing, you're not my biggest fear.
That's crazy.
My biggest fear is drunk white women.
Hands down.
I'm not talking about tipsy.
I'm talking about like blackout drunk.
That's so scary.
Like I couldn't imagine waking up
next to a white girl
and she doesn't remember the night before.
You know what I mean?
Like she rolls over,
she's like, how did I get here?
I'm not gonna lie,
I don't know what I'd say to that.
I probably have to hit her with the same.
Like if she was like, how did I get here?
I'd be like, how'd I get here?
Oh my God.
Why is my ass hurt?
He must've got us both.
I give white women a hard time on stage sometimes,
I'm not gonna lie, you know.
I feel bad cause you know,
everybody's got good about them.
White women have dope about them.
Like first thing that's dope
about white women is they could bring change.
Real.
Look at the Me Too movement.
A lot of real movement has been coming from that
and that's white ladies, for real.
That's I want white women
to start getting shot by cops.
I'm not saying we kill all white women, okay?
That's absurd.
Who's gonna complain to managers.
It won't take that many.
Listen, if the cops shot two white women,
they would get rid of police.
Could you imagine Twitter?
Pumpkin spice lives matter.
It is my favorite joke cause it's weird.
Cause it's like it, you know,
it sounds audibly like it's doing well, right?
But when I look out, I can see your faces
and there's some people in the crowd like you.
Which I don't get cause it's like, you know,
on one hand I get, it was like,
okay, it's offensive.
But on the other hand, is it?
I don't know.
It can't be offensive,
it's too unrealistic to be offensive.
You know what I mean?
A cop would never shoot a white woman.
I'll go as far as to say,
I think it's scientifically impossible.
I'm not saying he wouldn't try it.
I just think even if he did,
the bullet would be like mh-mh.
I love talking about race on stage.
That's my favorite thing to talk about.
Only because I know you guys
don't know what race this is.
You know, so it's fun, you know.
Like I say some dope,
you guys look at me like, wow,
this Hawaiian lesbian has a great perspective.
I'm black and white as I am,
it comes out like this, black and white.
And my dad's a white guy.
Yeah.
And I say to him as much as I can.
Which is very fun.
I wish y'all could participate.
The trick is you just slip it in.
You don't let him see it coming.
Like my dad would be like,
oh my God, Eagle, my back is killing me.
And I'm like, really?
You should go get that checked out,
that's been going around.
He's like, oh my God, what's it called?
I'm like, syndrome.
And he gets mad.
He's like, you can't say that to me.
I'm like, say what?
He's like, you know what you said.
I'm like say it.
He's like, I can't.
I'm like, I know.
It's a good system.
It's fun having white people in your family.
You learn a lot, you know what I mean?
Like my black friends,
they think they know y'all.
I know you guys.
I sit across from the devil
at the dinner table every so often.
I really know white people, you know?
Like, you know what I learned?
I learned white people aren't always racist.
Sometimes they're just stupid.
It was a very thin line between dumb and racist.
And my dad crosses that line every day.
He says the most racist ever.
He doesn't mean it.
He just doesn't know better, you know?
Like for instance, I sag my pants.
You guys might be able to tell,
got some hanging out on comedy central, right?
Like any other father, he wanted me to stop.
So the other day we were kicking it,
he was like Eagle,
maybe you wouldn't look like such a threat to society.
So I hit him.
Nah, I took the high road.
I was like, hey man,
only reason I sagged my pants,
cause the cops is always trying to kill us.
So I sag it so they could see my waistband
doesn't have a gun.
That's right, I lied.
I said it and I felt good, right?
And then he looked at me and he was like,
well, just so you know,
the real reason people sag their pants,
because in prison they want to let other inmates
know they're down to get in the butt.
You ever like nappy ready for some?
I had nothing.
I was like, Google help me please.
And I Googled it and he was right.
But he was also white and I couldn't let win.
I looked him right in the eyes,
I was like, well maybe that's just why I do it.