Welcome back to Dark Corners Lockdown, reviews of streaming movies for the self-isolating film fan.
Producer Charles Band has been making low budget movies since the 70s,
some of which we have covered for regular Dark Corners.
A master at sticking around in an ever-changing industry,
it’s not surprising to see him the first to capitalise on the current situation with Corona Zombies .
‘Corona zombies’
‘Yes, Corona Zombies’
Streaming via Band’s own Full Moon Features website.
Barbie, played by Cody Renee Cameron returns home from a difficult shopping expedition,
‘This chick showed up, tried to karate chop me for the last pack of toilet paper’
to bad news on the TV,
'Symptoms of the corona virus include sore throat, headaches, fever...'
which quickly gets worse.
‘We are receiving confirmed reports that the infected are transforming into violent and ravenous flesh eaters’
Barbie must stay alive while dealing with a chronic toilet paper shortage.
'I'm a rich bitch, I'm a rich bitch.'
But how on earth can you shoot a movie, even a 60 minute one, while social distancing?
Well you take footage from other movies, re-dub it What’s Up Tiger Lily Style,
‘Let’s try this again, Argento’
then chuck in some news footage.
‘If you’re healthy you’ll probably go through a process and you’ll be fine’
spring break jackasses,
'IfI get Corona, then I get corona, at the end of the day, I'm not going to let it stop me partying.'
and random wildlife.
'I've got to get to the village.'
And you got yourself a movie.
Jerry Warren did this even when there wasn’t a pandemic to avoid.
‘That is the Corona squad man’
There is a plot of sorts about the Corona squad searching for a shipment of hi-jacked toilet paper.
‘Where did you stash the toilet paper Francois’
But mainly this is mainly a string of jokes, which are surprisingly funny.
'Haven't you seen any George Romero, it's the head!'
particularly the constant cultural references.
‘Get down Mrs Doubtfire’
and satirical commentary.
‘You heard the president, you’ll only be around another three weeks’
I guess you could even make the case that this is reinforcing the guidelines we all now have to follow.
‘That’ll teach you to not wash your hands’
and targeting those who aren’t.
‘Authorities warn that if you’re one of the idiots still gathering in large crowds..'
As a regular movie, this is horrendous.
‘Goddamn Corona zombies!’
the Barbie sections in particularly failing on every level.
And even at just an hour, the novelty wore off pretty quickly.
‘I’m starting to think this is a bad idea’
Better films will be made by clever people during the lockdown. But I doubt many will be this much fun.
‘Back off! Haven’t you heard of social distancing?’
Of course, the elephant in the room is; is this just in appalling taste?
‘Nothing like a tight ass and a face full of clown make-up to solve a world-wide pandemic’
This is going to be a very fine line and people will disagree,
but there is a great tradition of mocking the things that scare us,
whether it’s in Charlie Chaplin’s Shoulder Arms,
or Ernst Lubitch’s To Be Or Not To Be –
'Heil Hitler!'
'Heil Myself.'
both made in wartime.
Now I’m not putting Corona Zombies in that company but I do think you can watch without feeling guilty;
they made it observing social distancing.
‘This lockdown sucks. It’s been 2 hours and I’m already bored’
and all the characters are on the right side of this.
It’s not a good film, but it made me laugh, and sometimes it is good to laugh in the face of an enemy,
just to prove that they haven’t taken that away from you.
Thanks for watching, this is obviously a contentious one, so let us know your thoughts in the comments below.'