WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS JUST DELIGHTFUL, DELIGHTFUL TO BE WITH THESE
PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US TONIGHT.
IT'S IMPEACHMENT EVE.
IT'S A MAGICAL TIME ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND LIKE EVERY IMPEACHMENT EVE, WE PUT THE KIDS TO BED, BUT
THEY'RE ALL UP LISTENING HARD TO SEE IF ACCOUNTABILITY IS COMING.
BELIEVE!
I BELIEVE!
BUT ALL THEY CAN HEAR IS SCROOGE McTRUMP SCREAMING, "HUM BUG"
FROM HIS ROOFTOP, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> I SAID YOU GOTTA DO ME A FAVOR."
>> Stephen: ALL WEEK, TRUMP'S BEEN RELATIVELY QUIET ABOUT HIS
IMPENDING IMPEACHMENT, BUT THE PRESSURE WAS BUILDING UNDER THE
SURFACE, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE LID BLEW OFF MOUNT SAINT
YELLIN.
THE ERUPTION CAME IN THE FORM OF A SIX-PAGE SHRIEK ADDRESSED TO
NANCY PELOSI.
HERE'S A TASTE: >> "YOUR SPITEFUL ACTIONS
DISPLAY UNFETTERED CONTEMPT FOR AMERICA'S FOUNDING, AND YOUR
EGREGIOUS CONDUCT THREATENS TO DESTROY THAT WHICH OUR FOUNDERS
PLEDGED THEIR VERY LIVES TO BUILD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP )
"YES, A NATION BUILT ON THE BELIEF THAT POWERFUL WHITE MEN
FACE NO CONSEQUENCES WHATSOEVER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"EVEN WORSE THAN OFFENDING THE FOUNDING FATHERS, YOU ARE
OFFENDING AMERICANS OF FAITH BY CONTINUALLY SAYING 'I PRAY FOR
THE PRESIDENT,' WHEN YOU KNOW THIS STATEMENT IS NOT TRUE,
UNLESS IT IS MEANT IN A NEGATIVE SENSE."
( LAUGHTER )
I HAVE NO IDEA-- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS?
WHAT IS A NEGATIVE PRAYER?
WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN BE?
( AS TRUMP )
HEAVEN, LET'S FACE IT, NOTHIN' SPECIAL ABOUT THAT NAME."
THE LETTER IS A DISORIENTING MISH-MASH OF DRY LEGAL LANGUAGE
MIXED IN WITH TRUMP'S SIGNATURE ANGRY WORD SMOOTHIES.
"THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT INTRODUCED BY THE HOUSE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE ARE NOT RECOGNIZABLE UNDER ANY STANDARD
OF CONSTITUTIONAL THEORY, INTERPRETATION, OR
JURISPRUDENCE.
DOT-DA-DOT-DOT.
YOU HAVE CHEAPENED THE IMPORTANCE OF THE VERY UGLY
WORD, 'IMPEACHMENT'!"
OKAY.
HAPPY NOW, NANCY?
YOU'VE CHEAPENED SOMETHING VERY UGLY!
THAT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING TRUMP STANDS FOR-- MAKING VERY
UGLY THINGS.
EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE LETTER ACCUSES THE DEMOCRATS OF HAVING DARK MOTIVES.
"EVERYONE, YOU INCLUDED, KNOWS WHAT IS REALLY HAPPENING.
YOUR CHOSEN CANDIDATE LOST THE ELECTION IN 2016, IN AN
ELECTORAL COLLEGE LANDSLIDE-- 306-227-- AND YOU AND YOUR PARTY
HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THIS DEFEAT."
MY GOD!
IS THERE ANYWHERE, ANY OCCASION HE WON'T BRAG ABOUT HIS
ELECTORAL COLLEGE WIN?
WHAT DO HIS CONDOLENCE CARDS LOOK LIKE?
"I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
ALMOST AS BAD AS HILLARY'S LOSS TO ME, 306-227."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S SO SWEET.
THAT'S REALLY-- THAT'S REALLY-- >> Jon: KIND OF HEARTFELT-ISH
>> Stephen: SO SWEET, JON.
THANK YOU.
HE CONTINUED: "SO YOU HAVE SPENT THREE
STRAIGHT YEARS ATTEMPTING TO OVERTURN THE WILL OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE AND NULLIFY THEIR VOTES.
YOU VIEW DEMOCRACY AS YOUR ENEMY!"
( AS TRUMP )
FRIEND...
WITH BENEFITS.
BECAUSE, UNDER ME, DEMOCRACY IS SO SCREWED
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DO YOU HAVE A COPY?
HERE'S AN ACTUAL COPY OF THE DAMN THING.
THIS IS-- I DON'T KNOW-- IT IS SIX PAGES LONG.
IT IS SIX PAGES LONG, SINGLE SPACED LIKE THIS.
THE MIDDLE PAGES ARE BASICALLY JUST A CUT AND PASTE FROM HIS
CAMPAIGN WEBSITE.
I'M NOT JOKING.
HE HAS SPACE FORCE IN THERE.
JUDGES.
HIS NON-BUILDING OF THE WALL.
UNEMPLOYMENT: WHY DON'T BLACK PEOPLE LOVE ME?
AND THE USUAL PUFF AND WHINE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE THING.
THEN TRUMP COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW DAMAGING IMPEACHMENT HAS BEEN TO
THOSE HE LOVES.
"YOU DO NOT KNOW, NOR DO YOU CARE, THE GREAT DAMAGE AND HURT
YOU HAVE INFLICTED UPON WONDERFUL AND LOVING MEMBERS OF
MY FAMILY."
( AS TRUMP )
INNOCENT WIFE I CHEATED ON WITH A PORN STAR, TO THE POOR KIDS
WHOSE MOTHER I BAILED ON TWO WIVES AGO, ALL OF THEM."
TRUMP ALSO WROTE--
TRUMP ALSO WRITES IN THE LETTER: "MORE DUE PROCESS WAS AFFORDED
TO THOSE ACCUSED IN THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AGREE WITH THE PRESIDENT ON THIS ONE.
FAIR IS FAIR.
WE SHOULD THROW HIM IN THE RIVER.
AND-- AND-- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- IF HE FLOATS... JUDGE?
>> A WITCH, WITCH!
>> Stephen: NOW, IN SLAMMING PELOSI HE BROUGHT OUT SOME OF
THE FANCIEST WORDS HE KNOWS.
"YOUR LEGACY WILL BE THAT OF TURNING THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES FROM A REVERED LEGISLATIVE BODY INTO A STAR
CHAMBER OF PARTISAN PERSECUTION."
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO BET HE THINKS A "STAR CHAMBER" IS A
PLANETARIUM?
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP )
"AND IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT A STAR CHAMBER, NANCY, THEN I
DEMAND THAT SATURDAYS AT MIDNIGHT, YOU HAVE LASER
ZEPPLIN."
( LAUGHTER )
WAS RELEASED, TRUMP APPEARED ON CAMERA TO SUM UP WHAT IT TOOK
HIM SIX PAGES TO SAY.
>> MISTER PRESIDENT, WILL YOU TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE
FACT THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE IMPEACHED?
>> NO, I DON'T TAKE ANY.
ZERO, TO PUT IT MILDLY.
>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP DOESN'T TAKE ANY.
HE TAKES FOREIGN ASSISTANCE.
HE TAKES DADDY'S HANDOUTS.
HE TAKES A HANDFUL OF ANY WOMAN WHO WANDERS INTO HIS GROPE-ZONE,
BUT HE DRAWS THE LINE AT RESPONSIBILITY.