-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show." You're here.
Thank you for watching at home.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Let's get to some news.
Guys, today, the Senate approved
President Biden's $3.5 trillion budget
for housing, education... -Whoo!
-...healthcare, and the environment.
Yeah, that's giant. [ Cheering and applause ]
$3.5 trillion.
Biden's spending money like his Gap Rewards just kicked in.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden calls it the human infrastructure plan.
Not really crazy about the term human infrastructure.
[ Laughter ] I'm picturing rich couples
using other people as furniture, you know?
[ Laughter ] It's like, "We picked him up
in upstate New York."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, the Biden administration
has also been quietly discussing a plan
to wean airlines off fossil fuels by 2050.
-Whoo! -By that time, all planes
will now be running on Hard Mountain Dew.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeehaw! -And the pilots, too.
[ Laughter ] Yep, airlines will start using
renewable energy, like cooking oil.
[ Laughter ]
So not only is it good for the environment,
but every plane will smell like Popeye's.
[ Laughter ]
-Whoo! [ Claps ] -It's a win-win.
Speaking of airlines, I heard that Southwest,
American, and Delta Airlines
will not require employees to be vaccinated.
[ Grumbling ]
Odd twist -- Frontier is now the classy airline.
[ Laughter ]
Didn't see that one coming.
[ English accent ] I prefer the 3M duct tape, please. Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, come on, Delta, you have the exact name --
[ Laughter ]
-Come on! [ Laughter and applause ]
-What are you...?
[ Applause continues ]
It probably explains their new slogan,
"Delta -- Making Corona hold our beer."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Why would they do that?
-Well, here's some good news --
the CDC says we're now averaging
500,000 vaccinations per day for the first time since June.
[ Cheering and applause ]
That's great.
[ Whistling ]
[ Applause continues ]
You know, that's crazy. 500,000 people
are getting vaccinated every day,
despite what all the experts
on Facebook are saying, you know?
[ Laughter ]
This is a little strange. I read this --
Rudy Giuliani has joined Cameo and is selling videos
[ Laughter ] for $275 each.
That's right, he went from being America's Mayor to saying --
[ As Giuliani ] Hello, this is Rudy Giuliani.
I want to wish Deez Nuts a happy retirement.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I knew you'd dig that.
[Rimshot]
If you're wondering what a birthday message
from Rudy Giuliani looks like,
it's pretty much what you'd expect. Take a look.
-Hello, Bill, it's Rudy Giuliani
and I'm wishing you a happy birthday.
Never remember a censorship like this.
The hard drive, the election,
just cut off 80% of your ability to communicate.
They're going to stop this express train to socialism.
And, again, happy birthday.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-It's easy. Just tell your eight-year-old
"I was going to get you Shaq,
but then, I saw they had Rudy, so."
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news -- after months of searching,
Mayim Bialik and Mike Richards have been named
the new hosts of "Jeopardy!"
[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah.
So it's Mayim Bialik
and the executive producer
-Weird. -of "Jeopardy!", Mike Richards.
He basically chose himself as the host.
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "I've searched long and hard
and I've decided to pick...
me. I think --"
[ Laughter ]
Mike said it was really emotional
when he received the call from himself.
[ Laughter ]
"Mike,
am I sitting down?
[ Laughter ]
You did it."
But he's not stopping there. Tonight,
I saw him in a white dress,
revealing all the letters on "Wheel of Fortune."
-Really? -Yeah, he just feels like that's more of his --
[ Laughter ]
Oh, get this, guys -- the first ever cruise ship
with a roller coaster just set sail from Florida.
[ Laughter and whoas ]
A roller coaster, really?
You're already taking a cruise from Florida during a pandemic.
How much more danger do you need?
[ Laughter ]
Finally, a team of researchers found that a chemical leaking
from plastic pollution in the ocean
is sexually arousing hermit crabs.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah! [ Claps ] Whoo! -Honestly, it's the best outcome
for a headline with the words sex and crabs.
[ Applause ] We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots, ladies and gentlemen.
-♪ Hip hop and body rocking, doing it dude ♪
♪ The living definition of improving the groove ♪
♪ The same tools to shoot that Kubrick used ♪
♪ Take your hero to the river, give them two b-brick shoes ♪
♪ Who lose if you really ain't nobody 'til somebody love you? ♪
♪ I bet you ain't nobody 'til they speaking highly of you ♪
♪ Unh, to the team, any kind of chump ♪
♪♪
-What a show, what a show we have for you tonight.
He directed, co-wrote, and stars in the new film "Here Today."
The one and only Billy Crystal
-Whoa! Come on! -is here!
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Oh, can't wait.
She just won four medals at the Tokyo Games,
including her sixth individual gold medal in swimming.
Olympic legend Katie Ledecky
-Yeah! -is joining us in-studio.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Brought the medal. -Yeah.
[ Indistinct ]
Plus, she's a New York Times best-selling author
and she wrote this year's Fallon Summer Reads book...
Jean Hanff Korelitz is here -Whoa!
[ Cheering and applause ] to talk about "The Plot."
Won't give it away.
[ Applause continues ]
And we got great stand-up
from Jackie Fabulous is here! -Whoa!
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Today is Jackie's birthday.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
[ Applause ] Happy birthday, Jackie Fabulous.
-That's fabulous. -That's kind of cool.
-That's fabulous. -Yeah.
Guys, it is time for "Good Name, Bad Name, Great Name."
[ Cheering and applause ] -♪ Good names, bad names ♪
♪ Great names, yes ♪
[ Whistling and applause ]
First up, we have...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Mumbles ]
-Give it a try.
-Next, there's...
[ Laughter ]
[ Clucking as a ticking clock ]
-Time's running out, Gramps.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh! Oh!
Hey! Come on. -Two weeks goes fast.
[ Applause continues ]
After that, we have Beautiful Mistakes...
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ] Oh, yes! Oh, yeah!
Next, there's...
[ Laughter ]
-Oh. -Only 5 seconds.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Next up, we have...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ] Oh.
[ Cheering ]
Next up, we have...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Coughs ]
-Lot of coughing. Lot of coughing.
After that, we have...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Imitating revving engine ] -[Both] Bad Habits.
-And, finally, we have...
[ Laughter ]
There you go. That's all the time we have
for "Good Name, Bad Name, Great Name."