Look, I don’t expect game designers to be experts in color harmony…
But I do expect them to know when this looks like sh*t.
And this looks like sh*t.
It’s the Pinball of the Dead, for the Game Boy Advance.
Looks like satanic cotton candy.
So I’ve mentioned this before that, a lot of Game Boy Advance games were incredibly,
ridiculously, almost unbelievably overrated by critics when they first came out.
It’s like, to the point where I almost think there was a conspiracy, it was that pervasive.
Like, I want to ask Deep Throat about it, but I’m afraid of the repercussions.
Case in point, this.
This…hideous mess of color murder you see before you.
And look, I’m not going to name names, because again, I’m afraid to end up on a spaceship…but
suffice to say, a lot of critics scored this thing very high.
Suspiciously high.
Perhaps even more suspicious, Agent Scully, when one considers what those critics had
to say about the graphics.
One called them “bright and colorful.”
I presume in the same way a nuclear waste dump would technically also be.
Another called them “great.”
Great, that’s it, great.
That’s the word they went with.
Which is not only wrong, but also lazy when you consider that the game itself offers lots
of words, all of which are more accurate.
This game, looks like a nightmare.
An accursed, nightmare.
Alright, so I’ve been kind of harsh on the graphics.
For reasons that should be obvious, this game looks like…well, we’ve already been over
this, it’s not good.
And it’s not that it’s ugly from a technical perspective.
Like, technically, for its time, it was impressive.
And that’s why people raved about it.
But it’s just a classic case of people getting so excited about hardware advancements, that
they fail to see the art though the tech.
Sure, the tech’s fine.
But this art is, just…beyond, atrocious.
Looks like a color wheel jumped off a building.
Anyway…obviously, not a fan of the art, but again, it is technically well done.
And the game actually plays pretty well, that’s the good news.
There is good news here.
More bad news, too, but let’s show some mercy here, we’ll get to that in a minute.
Good news is, the game’s definitely fun to play.
You have to spell words, amidst all the chaos…
Not that you’d know that…
And there are zombies and monsters all over the place that you can squish, in one of those
satisfying little bursts of blood.
Which is a sick thing to say, but whatever, it’s the Internet.
And the tables are nice and tall, with lots to do…and they even have boss fights.
So it’s a good life lesson, in a way.
Ugly people can be fun to hang around with, too.
It’s just that, who wants to hang with ugly people?
And let’s be honest here.
It’s not just that it’s ugly, it’s got other problems, too.
Which, ugly people typical have, lots of problems.
So the game’s only got three tables, which means you see everything it has to offer pretty
quickly.
And in terms of their objectives, they’re all kinda similar.
Or at least, more similar than you’d like such a small selection to be.
But I think the biggest problem…is the physics.
The ball is way too floaty.
And the bounces are a little bit unpredictable sometimes, too.
So I mean, even the gameplay could’ve used some work.
It’s not like it’s just the graphics.
It’s the physics, the slowdown, the similarity, the…
Superman ice cream, this looks like Superman ice cream.
It’s the Pinball of the Dead, for the Game Boy Advance.
It can be fun, it certainly has its moments…I’m not saying it’s a…bad game…
What I’m saying is, trust no one.
Least of all, the Internet, circa 2002.