Another 10 Summer Transfer Predictions #1
I’m coming to you live from a sauna, because I am hot and bothered!
United have been so slow this transfer window, a bloody arthritic snail would move faster.
Okay, I admit I stole that one-liner. Where from? Harry Maguire’s scouting report.
A new player signing press conference? Get in! Manchester United are thrilled to announce…
Harry Kane!!! MBE! I couldn’t turn down the
opportunity to follow in the footsteps of club legends Odion Ighalo and Wout Weghorst!
I’m sorry Erik, our sale hasn’t gone through yet. What?
So we can’t afford Kane AND the Glazer family dividends…
Well don’t take the dividends! Yes, don’t take the dividends!
Ha, don’t take the dividends… So the deal's off?
The deal’s off Do you have any idea how many rehearsals it took
for me to be able to say ‘Wout Weghorst’?? So who do we sign now?
Let’s release the pics of Mason Greenwood in training and see if anyone notices.
#1 Harry Kane to Manchester
United - not happening! Bloody pratsl
#2 And this is where the magic happens
Excellent Declan! You’ll fit right in! Give me 24 hours to think about it.
Sure thing, Declan
A 100m player and he’s not going to Man City? Not on my watch! Time to raise some funds!
Man City are thrilled to announce we have sold Bernardo Silva to the made-up Abu Dhabi Pro League
for £100 million pounds! Ooohhh
And we’ve signed a new kit deal with a made-up Abu Dhabi balloon company for another 100m
Ooohh! And we’ve sold Ilkay Gundogan to
Barcelona for another £100m! Ooohh!
I thought he went on a free? Lies I tell you, lies!!!!!!!
So we’ve reinvested that money in our new £100m centre-midfielder…
Declan Rice Ooohh!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!! PEP, YOU SON OF A BEATCH! Sorry Mikel!
As a gesture of goodwill we’ll let you have Kalvin Phillips for £99 million.
YES! What are you going
to do with the other £200m Pep? #2 Declan Rice to Man City
#3 Tada! Sadio Mane!
Newcastle’s new main man-e, hahaha Was that a joke?
How much did he cost Eddie? It’s all about the Money, Money,
Money signing Mane, Mane, Mane This is worse than Thomas Muller
Am I making you Sad-io
Okay, who wants a selfie with Jason Tindall?
#3 Sadio Mane to Newcastle - not happening!
#4 Hiya Madders. Welcome to Spurs!
Thanks Harry. Relegation was humiliating! If humiliation is your thing, then
you joined the right club! I blame Rodgers, success in Scotland
does not mean success in the Premier League Er, about that, our new manager is Postecoglou.
Bloody hell,
that’s even harder than Wout Weghorst. And Postecoglou also had his success in Scotland
Nooooooo! Back to back relegation incoming… WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
#4 Maddison to Spurs
#5 Well Liverpool fans, FSG promised us a summer rebuild and that’s what they have delivered!
Thuram, Kone and van De Wen? No
Caicedo, Pavard and Gravenberch? No
Tchouameni, Osimhen and Mbappe HA! No! FSG have completed the summer
rebuild… of the new stand!!! TADA! But what about the squad rebuild?
Oh no, we don’t have any money left for a squad rebuild as well.
We can’t even afford to resign the Ox on a free. Believe me, I tried…
Sob