Look, we all grew up with Sesame Street, alright?
Anyone who says they didn’t is most likely a godd*mn liar.
Which is weird, ‘cause Sesame Street taught us better.
And anyone who actually didn’t can Snuffa-luffa-get the hell out of here.
I don’t have a bad thing to say about Sesame Street.
This is not Sesame Street.
This is, like…someone on the Internet with too much free time and a mental problem tried
to make a Sesame Street episode that was, like…actually about drug use.
And the story’s also a weird metaphor for the evils of capitalism or something.
‘Cause you’re chasing numbers, you know.
With, like…I don’t know.
Drone-like persistence and soullessness.
Whatever.
Pink-o commie scum.
Point is, this isn’t Sesame Street.
To be honest, I’m having a hard time calling this a video game, too.
It’s Elmo’s Number Journey.
Subtitled To The Seventh Layer of Hell…Drugs, Drugs, Drugs.
Cocaine Mountain…Part Two.
So this piece of sh*t was released in 1999.
It came to the Nintendo 64 and the original PlayStation, which is the version we’re
playing here.
And by “playing,” I mean tolerating.
I’m tolerating here.
And by “tolerating,” I mean “silently rocking back and forth while rethinking everything
I’ve done in life that brought me to this point.”
I could’ve been an astronaut, or a banker.
Or Emma Watson’s makeup guy.
Instead, I’m touching numbers.
I could’ve been touching Hermione.
So this is ostensibly a game for children.
An edutainment game, right?
A video game that’s actually educational, and basic enough for little kids to play.
Yeah, not the case.
Not even in some fun imaginary way.
Which is weird, ‘cause Sesame Street is all about the power of imagination.
This game is all about the power of regret.
And hallucinogens.
The reason I say it’s not educational, is that it’s not educational.
Funny how that works.
You expect this to be a game about counting, or basic math.
Nope.
Literally?
The only thing you do in this game is walk around and touch numbers.
And you do it for f*cking 20 minutes at a time.
Each level gives you a number—the same number—and you go touch all of those numbers.
Just…walk around and touch things.
In retrospect, probably not a great idea for an Elmo game.
I mean, this gets boring…within, like, two minutes.
And again, there’s nothing about it I’d even remotely consider educational for kids.
Or even helpful.
I mean, what’s the point of touching the same number literally a dozen times?
And it never changes.
Every level is the same thing.
The backgrounds just change.
And sometimes, barely.
The Count’s garden maze looks awfully similar to Ernie’s festival.
Oh, and those two are a third of the game.
There are six levels, in the whole freaking game.
There’s also a painting of the Cookie Monster in the castle.
Looking all carpathian like.
“On a mountain of cookies, in the castle of cookies, I sat on a throne of…cookies.”
That’s the only cool thing in this entire game.
That and this bonus level, where Elmo throws baseballs into Satan’s mouth and confuses
sports.
Nothing more communist than that.
I would talk about the gameplay, but it’s a disaster.
All you have to do is walk, and the game doesn’t even get that right.
The audio’s a nightmare.
There are only six levels, two a piece for three characters…and then, like, Grover
and Big Bird are just sitting there, in the hub world.
Doing nothing.
So them even being there feel likes a huge lie.
Which is fine, because Elmo lies to you, too.
Yeah.
By “lots,” he means you can practice or leave.
Thanks, Elmo.
I’ll choose the latter.
Thanks to our friend Kris from Jersey City, New Jersey, for sending us Elmo’s Number
Journey for the PlayStation.
And for explicitly stating that this game was for me.
Thanks, Kris.
That’s…that’s just…A is for awesome.
It’s also for other things.