Well, all good things have to come to an end, like Earth, and humanity, and also Atari Lynx
Week.
Boy, that’s a downer.
Hey, cheer up, that’s like, millions of years from now.
And as for Lynx Week, it’s going out with a bang, baby.
We’ve got two Lynx reviews today.
Not only that, we’ve got two Lynx driving game reviews today.
And one of them’s freaking awesome.
The other one is…this, is the other one.
It’s quite possibly, seriously, the worst game I’ve ever played, it’s Hard Drivin’
for the Atari Lynx.
Hardly Driving.
Look, here’s the thing.
You know…it’s kind of like evolution.
A long time ago, some creature crawled out of the ocean, it got tired of swimming…and
now, here we are, you know?
I’m sure that creature had no evil intent, no malice.
But because of that creature, we have, murderers, there’s a direct lineage.
Not the swimmy creature’s fault, but…also, kind of is.
It was a selfish decision.
Shellfish decision.
That’s like the situation we have here, with Hard Drivin’ for the Atari Lynx.
This game was originally an arcade game, where it was kind of a big deal.
It was one of the first driving games to have 3D, polygonal graphics—it was called the
world’s first authentic driving simulator.
This one’s only authentic if you’re 90 years old, and you drive, a Winnebago.
To your local spaghetti dinner, every Sunday afternoon.
In which case, yes, this is very authentic.
Now, I haven’t played the arcade game.
But I understand it’s very good, that one actually was groundbreaking and important,
but…listen, I don’t know, I was five years old at the time.
I was busy watching cartoons, couldn’t make it down to the arcade.
But I did want to point out, the arcade game is apparently good.
Before I tell you about this one.
Which is apparently, the seventh seal.
Either that or a nearly unplayable piece of interactive consumer electronic technology,
one of the two.
I mean, on the one hand, uh, it’s impressive that there was a handheld video game doing
these kind of 3D graphics in 1991…
That’s all very impressive.
And in 1991, it was probably mind-blowing.
But I can’t imagine that playing it 1991, was any different from playing it in 2015.
Or barely playing it in 2015, ‘cause this is barely playable.
So let’s start with that gameplay, uh…holy crap, you guys.
I don’t think I’ve ever played a game…with worse controls.
And if I have, I certainly don’t remember it.
It’s crazy, it’s like Gozer The Gozerian let me choose the form of the destructor,
and I thought about polygons.
Couldn’t help it, just popped in there.
Which is fitting, ‘cause it’s also like popped corn, this game.
It moves violently, every few seconds, in an unpredictable manner, and after its done,
your kitchen smells absolutely terrible.
Also, if you breathe it in directly, it could literally kill you.
That’s Hard Drivin’ for the Atari Lynx.
Only no amount of synthetic butter can save you, from this one.
I mean, these controls…like, if you so much as tap the d-pad, it’s like…your car doesn’t
even know what’s happening, it just goes up on two wheels and everyone starts dying
instantly.
It is almost impossible to actually keep your car on the track.
And by “track,” I mean “track.”
Like, one track…there’s one track in this entire goddamn game.
And basically, you have a minute and a half to drive on it, and go wherever you want,
and crash into other cars, before the game’s over.
So it’s exactly like bumper cars, only this car, makes the bumper car, seem like a goddamn
performance machine, with German engineering.
Oh, like this track is so magical and wonderful, thanks for the 90 seconds on it.
It’s like you called up an escort service, but all she does is berate you verbally, and
then tell your wife.
I’ve made, like, 15 analogies in this review.
And I still haven’t conveyed to you, how awful it truly is.
You know, the thing is…I guess the presentation, like if we were in 1991, would be pretty incredible,
for a handheld.
But it’s also one of those games that’s only highlight, is the tech behind it.
And now that that tech’s not as impressive, all you have is the game.
And to be honest, there’s not much of one.
Like I said, 90 seconds.
And no amount of polygons, or physics equations, or advanced graphics, or German engineering…is
gonna make those 90 seconds, anything better, than a big mistake.
This is not only the worst driving game I’ve played on the Lynx…
It’s the worst game I’ve played on the Lynx, and maybe, one of the worst games I’ve
ever played.
So I guess at the end of Lynx Week, we’re right back where we started.
With me in abject misery, yelling about things.
But hey, that’s Hard Drivin’ for the Atari Lynx.
No one said it was easy driving, or fun driving.
It’s hard driving.
Take a sharp left into that house, driving.