-So, I was scrolling through Reddit earlier today
and I saw this really interesting post about
migrating tree frogs, and... [ Sniffs ]
Wait. I'm sorry.
I could be wrong here, but I think I smell some smoke,
and that could only mean one thing.
It's time for "Ya Burnt"!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Welcome to the burn zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through and not a lot of time.
Over here is the burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hot stuff!
First up, checks. Checks, why do you still exist?
No one has used you since the '90s.
You're the Stephen Baldwin of payment methods.
Side burn -- Stephen Baldwin.
-Side burn!
-And, hey, funny guy at the office still writing
2019 on your checks, it's 2020 now.
The only thing you should be writing on your checks is,
"Get [bleep] Venmo already."
And why do we have to write a memo on our checks, anyway?
I'm sure the guy paying child support
every month appreciates the reminder.
What's it for?
Um, because I slept with three different
Red Lobster hostesses, and my wife took the kids."
Checks, check this. Ya burnt.
Minivans. Finally, a car that lets your neighbors know
kids have ruined your life.
And besides, if my ass is going to start driving around town
in a van, I'm going all in
and getting a creepy-as-hell full-sized van.
I'm talking a white Ford Econoline,
the kind of terrifying nightmare machine
that will make the entire neighborhood dial 9-1
and hover over that other 1 when I pass by their house.
Minivans, I'm not sliding the door on you.
I'm slamming it. Ya burnt!
Peloton, quit trying to make exercising fun.
It's not. It's bad. And if you like it, you're bad.
If I wanted strangers to yell at me while riding a bicycle,
I'd just rent a Citi Bike.
Also, Peloton, nice work with
that terrible Christmas commercial.
You got people talking about Pelotons the same way
Jared had people talking about Subway.
Jared burn.
-I'm still proud of him for losing the weight.
-What?
Peloton, just like my quads, ya burnt!
Water polo.
You know you're a bad sport when
only white people want to play you.
You're the most popular white sport
since going to Williams-Sonoma.
And I if I really wanted to see loose balls
flying around a pool, I'd go to the 14th Street Y
at 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday for water aerobics.
Want to know how to make water polo interesting?
Use the horses from regular polo.
Can you score a goal on the back of a drowning thoroughbred?
That I'd watch.
Water polo, go tread water. Ya burnt!
Diego the Tortoise.
This over-100-year-old tortoise has had so much sex,
he's single-handedly credited with saving his species
from extinction.
And now, he is retiring.
I'd say you earned it, buddy, but, hey,
you know what they say -- it ain't work if you enjoy it,
which is why you are this week's Unburnable, Diego.
Ascend to safety and enjoy your golden years.
Long movies.
Long movies, can we move it along here?
I had to piss so much during "The Irishman,"
I missed all two of Anna Paquin's
lines of dialogue.
But, seriously, long movies,
why is it taking you so long to tell this story?
You're like seeing Connie from H.R. in the hallway.
No, Connie, I don't want to hear about your dad's sciatica.
-Connie's looking for friends in the wrong places.
-Long movies, pay attention. Ya burnt!
Airplane safety announcements, you're the most pointless
presentation since H.R. told us we're not allowed to
have sex in the conference room.
-We know.
-Quit talking to us like we're children.
If someone doesn't know how to buckle a seat belt,
society's probably better off if they rocket out the window.
And, also, can we cool it with the
airplane-safety-announcement videos trying to be fun?
If the plane's going down, the last thing I want to do is
remember your terrible rap.
♪ When the masks fall down, put your own on first ♪
♪ Then pray to God as the engines burst ♪
Airplane safety announcements, please direct your attention
to my ass and pucker up, because ya burnt!
Up next, uninsured veterans -- [ Buzzer ]
Oh! That buzzer means we've run out of time.
This has been "Ya Burnt."