I'm recording this from a Grindr hook-up's bed.
Grindr gets a bad rap from a lot of guys,
but I think there's a lot of good
that can come out of it and so I wanna talk
about that and this bedroom just seemed like
the right place to do it.
(guitar music)
So, this is the bedroom of a guy that I met on Grindr,
but I didn't meet him last night.
In fact, over the past few years he's become
one of my best friends.
Here's the story of how that happened.
But first, hey there.
If you don't already know me,
my name is Brian G. Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator and certified relationship coach
and I'm here to help you build and sustain
relationships that are fun and fulfilling.
Grindr sometimes gets this reputation
that everyone on there is superficial,
that people are looking for sex,
that they aren't looking for relationships,
that it's a bunch of flakes,
and if that's what you think, you're not wrong.
That is definitely a part of the Grindr experience,
but I don't think that's the whole experience,
and much like everything in life,
or most things in life, you get out of Grindr
what you bring to it and there's some more nuance
and complexity there and I wanna explore
how Grindr can be used for a source of good
and some tips to navigating it in a more
stress free and positive way.
I've met some of my best friends on the apps.
I met my boyfriend of 10 years, Peter,
on connexion with an x dot org, which no longer exists.
I met my boyfriend Matt who I've been
with for 2 and a half years on Grindr,
and of course I met this friend that I'm staying
with on Grindr a few years ago.
I hear from some folks that if you meet
someone on Grindr it's just sex
and it can't be a relationship,
or that if you have sex with someone right away,
or if you have a one night stand with someone,
or if you have a drunken hook-up with them,
then that's all it can ever be.
That there's is like no fluidity between hook-up
and relationship, or hook-up and friend,
or friend and a relationship.
And that's just not been my experience
of how my relationships have worked.
I know that for many years I had the same idea
that like, if a relationship was gonna be good
and meaningful and long lasting,
if they were husband material,
then I like couldn't be bad and sleep with them right away,
I had to sort of be chaste and we had
to go on "real dates"
As queer people we've been told that
our sexuality is something bad, devious
and something that we should keep hidden
and that's really easy to internalize that,
and keep it, try and wall that off from other parts
of our relationships, other types of relationships.
But I think that sex can be a fun
and fulfiling part of a friend relationship
and it can also serve as the foundation
of a solid long-term romantic relationship.
So here are some tips that have worked for me
in navigating Grindr and other hook-up
or dating apps, with a little bit more ease
and a little bit less stress.
Get clear on what you want, and be clear
about that with people you're talking to.
So if you know that you just wanna (beep),
own that and if you know that you're looking
for dates and ultimately a long-term partnership,
that's okay too.
The first step is to know that within yourself
and then the second step is to share
that with the people that you're talking to.
And that might change from moment to moment.
Often times I'm open to a wide range of options
and I get nervous that I'm gonna say the wrong thing.
That I'm gonna come across as too needy,
too aggressive, too eager, too horny,
and I'm gonna turn off the person.
What I've been trying to practice recently
is to just like, it's okay to scare some people away
by being direct with what I want and what I'm looking for,
so I'm not just like, endlessly scrolling
and scrolling and scrolling and scrolling.
And so I think if you're willing to let
the people who are never gonna meet up
with you fall by the wayside,
being direct will help you find out the ones
that do wanna meet up, who do connect with you,
who are clicking with you faster.
I also try to let go of expectations
about what this relationship will be.
I know that when I was single,
every time that I met someone that I thought
was cute, it was like, I wanna hook-up with
you so that I can be as close as possible with you,
so that we can start dating as quickly as possible,
so that we can get married and be together forever.
I was just like so desperate for like that one person.
For me is was helpful to loosen up my grip
of exactly what I was looking for,
exactly what that person was supposed to look like,
exactly what that persons personality was supposed
to be like, where I was supposed to meet them,
the way that our relationship was supposed to progress.
To sort of being open to the people
that were already in my life,
paying attention to the energy that I was
exchanging with people and being willing
to follow that even if it didn't follow this narrative
of like a Hollywood love story
that I thought I was looking for.
It's also been really beautiful for
me to watch relationships evolve.
People that I started off hooking up with
that I thought maybe were going to turn into dates,
but actually we became just good friends.
People that I've been friends with for years
and years and years that I thought I would always
be platonic with, to them finding
a sexual connection with later.
And then also to just like honor that sometimes like,
we're not gonna click, that we're not gonna
be good partners for each other,
we're not even maybe gonna be friends,
or hook-ups not like, I'm not gonna click
with everyone and that's okay.
I've for sure gotten my heart broken
more times than I can count while dating,
sort of, in the real world and on the apps.
And that's just part of the game.
So yeah, Grindr, Scruff, Recon, Adam4Adam,
all those apps have brought so many amazing,
wonderful people into my life that have become
dear, dear, dear friends.
Some of whom are part of my chosen family.
And I couldn't have let that happen
if I had relegated everyone that I met
with or everyone that I ever had sex with
to this category of like, oh you're just
a hook-up and you can be nothing more.
By opening up my heart and making space
for these people, I'm letting those relationships
be what they want to be.
Has enriched my life in so many ways,
and so, I know that there are a lot of shitty
experiences out there on Grindr but there can also
be so much goodness there and so I wanna offer
this counter narrative.
I know it's like pretty popular to trash
on the dating sites and to say that like,
you know meeting a guy at a bar, or at a party,
or at your friends, or at church,
is sort of like the better way to do it
and I've definitely done that and I know people
who have met their partners that way
and those are great things as well,
but the apps can be a really great way
of connecting queer folks together.
And so yeah, I'm just really thankful for Grindr
and all of the apps in my life.
I would love to hear from you.
What are some of your Grindr
or hook-up app success stories?
Drop them in the comments below.
So you might have noticed that I referenced
2 different boyfriends and hooking up with people.
If you're, have ever wondered if an open relationship
might be right for you, I have a video
all about that, you can click on
the "Is an open relationship right for me?"
link next to me and if you're wondering what
the difference between polyamory and an open relationship is
I also talk about that.
That's the other video on the screen here,
so click that one and I will see you over there.