- You ever get caught checking out a girl
with your girlfriend?
Not because she sees you,
but because you elbow her
thinking she's one of your buddies.
(audience laughs)
My girlfriend and I in the park,
I'm like, "Hey, check out this ugly bitch over here."
(upbeat music)
I've been going to the dentist a lot.
I didn't go to the dentist for like 10 years.
Don't skip years.
I thought you could just skip over those years
but they make you make up for the time you missed.
I hate the dentist.
I love my dentist personally.
He's a good guy.
We're friends, I love him.
But dentists are the doctor I trust the least.
I think they're just making shit up.
Like cavities, I feel like those are completely made up
by the dental industry.
Nobody's on board with this but.
(audience laughs)
My dentist's like, "You have a cavity."
And I was like, "Do I? It doesn't hurt."
And he's like, "Cavities don't always hurt."
And I was like, "I don't see anything."
And he's like, "You can't really see cavities."
(audience laughs)
It's like, this is awfully convenient for you, isn't it?
(audience laughs)
It doesn't hurt, and I can't see it, but you need to fix it.
That's a little suspicious if you ask me.
He's like, "You can ignore it,
but it'll turn it into a root canal."
And I was like, "Now I feel like you're threatening me.
I think you're making shit up
and you're threatening me with it."
I was like, "Whatever, fill it, I guess."
He filled the cavity.
I think he filled it.
I have no idea. (audience laughs)
They numb your mouth. You can't feel what they're doing
and you can't see what they're doing.
So he might have been crocheting.
I have no idea what this guy did,
but he charged me 500 bucks, which seemed high, you know?
And then I went back six months later,
you gotta go every six months.
And this time I needed a root canal, different tooth.
Wasn't even hurting. He's like, "You need a root canal."
And I was like, "Which tooth?"
He's like, "Whichever one you want, just pick a tooth.
Just wanna make some extra cash for the holidays."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Are you sure I need a root canal?"
He's like, "Oh yeah."
He showed me the x-ray. Doctors love to show you the x-ray,
as though you've read an x-ray at any point
in your entire life.
He tossed it up there, he's like, "Take a look."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "I don't know what that is.
I read books and tweets almost exclusively."
And he's like, "See how it's all white right here?"
And I'm like, "Well, it's a black and white photo
so the whole goddamn photo is white."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "I can't afford a root canal."
I was like, "What are those, like $3,000?"
He goes, "They're not $3,000."
He said it like I was an idiot.
He's like, "They're not $3,000."
And I'm like, 'All right, well I'm not a dentist,
and you don't have a menu with prices on it, okay?"
(audience laughs)
I was like, "How much do they cost?"
He said, "$1,800,"
which is a little frustrating
'cause I feel like I was in the ballpark.
It's not I said 75,000, I was pretty close.
They did the root canal, which was fine.
And then afterwards he's like, "Now you need a crown."
And I was like, "How much does the crown cost?"
And with a straight face he said, "$1,200."
(audience laughs)
I swear to god, that's not even a joke at all.
I was like, "What?"
I'm sorry.
That sounds an awful lot, like $3,000
You could have at least given me
the satisfaction of nailing it.
I should get both prizes."
I have horrible anxiety.
I'm nervous right now.
I have a panic disorder, panic attacks.
I don't know if you guys ever had one of those.
They're pretty brutal.
Oh, someone tried clapping, appreciate it.
(audience laughs)
I usually boo panic attacks.
If you've never had a panic attack
it's almost like you're being attacked by panic.
That's how I would sort of describe it.
(audience laughs)
I'm not a doctor, but.
If you've never had one, you might not sympathize.
It's hard to get sympathy from people that had one.
I was talking to my best friend.
He's like "Panic attack, what's that?
You feel like you're gonna die, is that it?"
Uh, yup, that's it.
I just feel like I'm going to die.
I don't know if you know this
but feeling like you're gonna die
is very similar to dying except at the end,
instead of dead you're sad and embarrassed.
(audience laughs)
It's actually worse. (audience applauds)
He's like, "Yeah, but I can't do any permanent damage,
can it?"
I'm like, "No, but crying in the fetal position
on a first date can screw you up for a few years."
Sort of a sliding scale, I guess.
I had to go to a therapist
'cause I kept having panic attacks.
The therapist told me a panic attack
is fight or flight phenomenon.
I don't know if you know that term.
That's when your brain prepares your body to fight
or flee from whatever it's afraid of.
She said it happens in nature.
I'm like, "That's cool."
The only weird thing is I get panic attacks
when I'm talking to girls.
So that's sort of a weird situation.
I'll be at a bar after the show
and some girls like, "You were really funny tonight,"
and I'm like, "I'm gonna have to fight this bitch."
(audience laughs)
I can't run away, that'd be embarrassing.
I'm like, "Put 'em up, young lady, I don't appreciate this."
I'm trying to relax more, it's hard.
I started doing yoga.
Yoga helps my anxiety.
Yoga helps my anxiety after I'm done with it.
After yoga I feel good.
During yoga, that's the most anxiety that I've ever had
in my entire life.
If you're not familiar with yoga, it's usually me,
two gay guys and 25 of the hottest women
that I've ever seen in my entire life.
I can't be publicly horny, homophobic,
and relaxed all at the same.
(audience laughs)
That's a lot of work, you know?
Instructor's like, "Everyone put your legs over your head."
I'm like, "Oh my god, I was just gonna say that.
That is a great idea.
Let's get those legs up ladies.
Oh, me too.
Oh, sorry, I was gonna watch this one."
And she's like, "Everyone lay down in your tummy."
I'm like, "I can't,
I have the largest erection of my entire life."
(audience laughs)
I'm going to teeter-totter from shoulder to shoulder
if I'm laying on my tummy.
(audience laughs)
I also have a small nama-stain in my shorts here.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
Namaste is a yoga term.
Nama-stain is a semen joke I wrote.
I had one letter.
A lot of debate right now about whether or not
we should recline.
You have to ask permission to recline.
I don't really care.
I hate everybody on the plane no matter what they do.
(audience laughs)
This is my thing I hate the most in the plane,
people wanna talk to you on an airplane.
I was on a plane the other day
and the guy next to me was like, "What do you do?"
And I was like, "I mind my own business on airplanes.
That's the main thing I do.
You should try that.
That's a great way to pass the time."
(audience laughs)
First of all, you're sitting too close together
to have a conversation.
The guy's trying to make eye contact.
We're just staring at each other from this distance.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "I could kiss you without using a neck muscle,
that's how close you are."
I love my wife.
I love her family.
She has a sister, we're buddies.
I was hanging out with my wife's sister the other day,
and, you ever sent a text message too quick
and you missed a letter or a word
and it like changes the whole text?
We've all had that.
I had that happen recently.
I was hanging out with my sister-in-law
and my wife texted and she wrote,
"How's things going with my sister?"
And I wrote back, "Great, she's a lot of fun.
I wish you were her." (audience laughs)
That's a bad text.
I meant write, "I wish you were here, obviously."
I felt bad, I had to call her.
I was like, "Hey, I didn't mean to write that,
I was distracted, I was trying to fuck your sister,
but I got a little confused.
But I wish you were here
so we could all fool around a little
like in the movies." (audience laughs)
It's weird when you date or marry someone with a sibling,
'cause siblings tend to look alike
'cause they have the same parents,
but you're not supposed to be attracted to the sibling
'cause it's inappropriate.
But they look alike.
You gotta pretend they don't.
You gotta be like,
"Baby, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen
in the whole world.
But this younger version of you is very off-putting to me."
(audience laughs)
"I would never be attracted to a slightly
newer version of you." (audience laughs)
That's gross.
I have a niece, she's a little baby.
The other day I was at my sister's house,
my niece is taking a nap down the hallway.
We're all in the living room having fun. We're a fun family.
I get up, I'm like, "I'm gonna grab another drink.
Does anybody need anything?"
My sister goes, "Hey, while you're up
could you check on the baby?"
And I was like, "I don't even know what that means."
She goes, "You know what I mean, just go down there,
make sure she's still breathing
and hasn't rolled out of bed."
I was like, "Wait a minute,
there's a chance that your baby is dead down the hallway?
That's your parental system?
Periodically dispatch a relative
to see if the baby has passed away?"
I was like, "Would one of you guys mind checking on the baby
'cause I'm not sure how to come back here
with possibly the worst news ever."
I'm gonna have to walk back into a party with a fresh drink.
Hey. (audience laughs)
Just checked on the baby.
Uh, may wanna sit down for this, it's pretty serious.
(audience laughs)
If you have kids get a babysitter.
Pay your babysitter, that's my advice.
Pay your babysitter.
My parents tried to save money
by going to the free babysitter,
which is sort of a weird place to save money.
(audience laughs)
Childcare.
My mother had her kid brother, my Uncle Dale, babysit me.
Great guy, not sure if you know him.
First of all, he was like three years older than me.
Not a good age difference.
Good rule of thumb,
you should be able to tell who the babysitter is
by looking at the two people involved.
My uncle showed me "Nightmare on Elm Street."
I was seven.
I immediately pissed in my pants.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
He's like, "I'll pause it."
I was like, "Please don't, fast forward it.
I hate this movie." (audience laughs)
I tried to dry the urine off my pants
but I used toilet paper, which doesn't work.
It just disintegrates.
It looks like somebody threw confetti at your wet groin.
(audience laughs)
Then I came outta the bathroom,
this is where gets really fun,
my uncle's a fun guy, just a fun, fun person.
He turned every light in house off.
So it was pitch black.
Then he took an aerosol air freshener and a lighter
and he shot a fireball down the hallway.
(audience laughs)
Classic babysitting gag. (audience applauds)
The old, shoot fire at the child you're responsible for.
(audience laughs)
Woo, it's fun.
That first time it's a little nerve wracking
when you first see it, you know?
I act was fun cause I was afraid of him.
I was like, "Go, Uncle Dale, you almost got me.
You almost got me handicapped parking
for the rest of my life
by burning my seven-year-old face off."
Luckily I dried some of the urine off my pants,
that was kind of a nice feature.
(audience laughs)
My mother came home, she's like,
"Why do you smell like urine and have a sunburn?"
I'm like, "'Cause your brother's a psychopath, that's why."
(upbeat music)