Let's begin with the debate over in vitro fertilization.
Last week, the Alabama Supreme Court threw the future of IVF
into doubt by ruling that frozen embryos, that
are less than a 10th of a millimeter, by the way,
are legally humans.
And I'm sorry, but if you could pass through a spaghetti
strainer, you're not human.
And now, Republicans who've spent years and years
insisting that every embryo is touched by God,
are suddenly saying, oh, we didn't mean in a way
that makes us unpopular.
The GOP's top brass are now trying to scramble to get
on the side of supporting IVF.
The Republican Senate campaign arm
jumped on the issue by sending out this memo on Friday,
urging that quote, "It is imperative that our candidates
align with the public's overwhelming support for IVF
and fertility treatments."
House Speaker Mike Johnson also came out
in support of IVF treatment and called it
a "blessing for many moms and dads
who have struggled with fertility."
IVF is something that is so critical to a lot of couples.
It helps them breed great families.
Our country needs that.
[AUDIENCE HOOTING]
OK, OK, that's-- that's too far in the other
direction, OK.
Did this guy-- this guy just say breed great families?
Are you trying to run a country or get us
into the Westminster Dog Show?
This guy must really clean up at the nightclub.
He's like, yo, girl, look, you got those straight teeth
and detached earlobes, I want a genetically
pass that on to my litter, you know.
But you know what?
You know, better late than never.
So now that Republicans are on board with IVF,
I'm sure they'll jump at the opportunity
to pass a law to protect it.
A Republican Senator has blocked the passage
of a bill to protect access to in vitro
fertilization nationwide.
Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith of Mississippi
objected to the measure's approval yesterday.
The bill before us today is a vast overreach
that is full of poison pills that go way too far.
Far beyond ensuring legal access to IVF,
it would legalize human cloning.
It would legalize gene-edited designer babies,
and lift the federal ban on the creation
of three-parent embryos.
It would legalize the creation of human-animal chimeras.
First of all, chimeras?
I don't know how to pronounce that word,
but I know it's not that.
And, and secondly, you're not going to protect IVF
because you're worried that someone
might put like a human head on a giraffe's body?
Why on Earth would you want to stop that?
That sounds awesome!
I could be eating a tree right now, you know?
Republicans are treating IVF the way I treat reading books.
I'm always like, oh, I'm going to read so many books
this year, I love reading.
But when it actually comes time to read, I'm like,
not for me, you know.
And to be clear, none of this stuff that that Senator
was warning us about is real.
They're just looking for excuses to ban
IVF, which to me, is crazy.
Why would you want to criminalize
one of the only times you can masturbate for a good cause?
Trust me, I've tried jacking it for leukemia and people
were not happy.
Let's move on.
I don't know about you guys, but I eat food.
Do you eat food?
Yes!
I knew you ate food.
But when I'm at the grocery store,
I can never figure out which foods are actually healthy.
This one is low fat, but high in sodium.
This one has vitamin C, but also poly mono fibers?
Now I'm staring at ingredient labels until the store closes.
I'm trapped inside, my wife finds
a new husband to breed with.
It's a mess.
But luckily, the FDA is coming to the rescue.
The FDA potentially rolling out a new logo
as soon as this year for companies
to stamp on food packaging.
They say it would clear any confusion
on what products actually should
be considered good for you.
Right now, only 3% of foods are currently allowed to claim
their food as healthy.
Wait.
What?
Just 3% of foods qualify as healthy?
God, please hope that fruit roll-ups are in that 3%.
God, please hope that fruit roll-ups are 3%.
But yeah, the FDA is going to make a logo
to help people choose healthy foods, which
you know, good luck with that.
This is America.
It's a victory if we can get people to unwrap things
before eating them.
But I believe we do need a logo identifying healthy foods.
I just don't think it should be one
of these boring ass options.
Am I trying to have breakfast cereal or do tax prep?
If you want people to eat healthy foods,
you got to make the logo look cool,
like Jordan holding broccoli.
And finally, let's talk about a major update
in the ongoing battle between Donald Trump and karma.
He's on trial.
He's on trial right now for trying
to overthrow the government, a pretty big faux pas.
But recently, his lawyers threw out a Hail Mary legal claim
that says he's immune from being charged for anything
he did while president.
And now his buddies on the Supreme Court
are saying, maybe.
This morning, the US Supreme Court handing
Donald Trump the gift of time.
The justices agreeing to decide whether the Republican front
runner should be immune from federal charges
because his attempts to reverse the 2020 election
happened while he was still in office.
We will never give up.
We will never concede.
In one-page order, the high court
saying it will hear arguments in the case
the week of April 22.
But with no firm date for its final ruling,
the prospect of a federal criminal trial being completed
before the November election becoming
increasingly unrealistic.
Legally speaking, his strategy
has long been to delay, delay, delay.
Here, he gets help in doing that from the highest
court in the land, and there's nothing
anybody can do to stop it.
I cannot [BLEEP] believe this!
This dude, he's slipping out of everything!
Is he some sort of human eel chimera, you know?
Like you know, he started this, he
started his campaign with four different cases against him.
And he's going to run out the clock on all of them.
There's the stolen documents case.
He got a Trump-friendly judge.
The Georgia case has been completely
sidetracked by two of the prosecutors [BLEEP]
each other.
Now, now the January 6 case is getting
delayed due to a legal theory that nobody
thinks is legit, except for maybe the judges he hired.
The only case that might be finished before the election
is the Stormy Daniels case.
And based on the way things are going,
I bet that judge is going to get [BLEEP] stuck in a Venus
flytrap or something.
I don't know.
You'd think with so many cases against him, one of them
would stick.
But he's actually using that to his advantage,
saying he needs to delay the cases so he has time
to prepare for the other ones.
It's like when Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting
attacked by two guys and he bonks their heads together
and they're both out for the rest of the movie.
For more on the Supreme Court delay,
we go live to Washington, DC with our very own Desi Lydic.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Desi, Desi, Election Day isn't that far off.
How soon do you think the Supreme
Court could rule on this?
Well, Michael, that depends.
When is Election Day?
November 5.
They'll rule on November 6.
So, so this is purely political.
No, it only looks entirely that way.
But you have to remember how complicated this issue is.
The justices have a very difficult
legal question to answer.
Can the president break the law any time he wants?
Hard to say, hard to say.
You know, constitutionally speaking,
can he burn down the White House for insurance money?
Can he set a bomb on a bus that'll detonate if the bus
goes below 50 miles per hour?
Can stick his penis in a barrel of warm coffee beans
at Whole Foods?
These are not easy questions to answer.
Yeah, aren't, aren't they, though?
I mean, to me, all these cases seem pretty open and shut.
OK.
Did you go to Harvard Law School?
No.
Well, I did, to use their bathroom once.
And because I have that legal background,
I understand that these things take time.
They're-- they're going to need two weeks to read briefs,
another two to debrief.
Then you need a silent retreat from the briefs.
You rebrief.
Lots of stretching and hydrating.
And then it's July, which of course, is French American
Heritage Month.
And that, that is very sacred to Justice
Brett Kavanaugh hon, hon, hon.
I think he's Irish.
Here's the thing.
There has to be some way to get this
decided before the election.
Can't they work around the clock?
Democracy is hanging in the balance.
OK, but what about the other balance?
Work, life balance.
Grind culture is killing all of us.
I mean, look at me.
One minute I'm reporting from the Middle
East and the next I'm flying to DC
to stand here in front of this very real Supreme Court.
I'm exhausted.
And that's all on top of my cardiology practice.
Cardiology?
You're a doctor?
I used a lot of med school bathrooms, yes.
Look, the point is, the justices
are human beings like the rest of us, with full lives.
They need time for things like being with their families,
traveling in their Winnebago, keeping Donald Trump
out of prison, playing golf.
Wait, wait, wait.
What was what was the last thing you said?
Golf.
They love golf.
OK.
Legal expert, Desi Lydic, everyone.