Hi. My name is Stephanie, and I'm autistic.
Many people have asked me what it's like to be autistic or to have autism.
I haven't really set aside the time to really think on
how to explain it until preparing for this video today.
My first reaction to the question is a lack of words, because it's
kind of like being asked, what is it like to be human?
I've just always existed as an autistic person.
But it is my differences that led me here and probably my differences
that you're asking about.
I've taken a bit of a different approach to the way
I want to answer this question and how I want to tell you
what being autistic is like for me,
or I guess kind of what being me is like.
Not all of these things are exclusive
to autistic people in fact, most of them are not.
Remember that autism is different for every single person.
And I encourage you today on World Autism Acceptance/Awareness Day
to learn from other autistic
people and hear how they experience autism and what they want to share with you.
For me, being autistic is: Knowing I'm different, but not understanding why.
Wiggling my feet back and forth rapidly while searching my mind.
Adopting mannerisms of others
that stood out to me, even if I didn't necessarily want to.
Feeling a compulsive need to help others and stand up against injustices.
Caring about things that I actually think are important rather
than what society thinks is important, especially when it comes to social things.
Obsessing over things and going above and beyond
until I inevitably burn out
because I am unable to keep up such a high standard
and end up fizzling out with sloppy attempts
at trying to finish what I started or keep to my commitment
or whatever it is to make sure that the project is complete, for example.
Knowing the best conditions for stimming, such as a slightly cool day
with a slightly cool breeze, and maybe there's a storm coming in.
Best time ever to just like go outside and spread your arms and spin.
Still having an emotional stir at the memory
of dropping one of my mother's mugs when I was a child.
At which time I was a sobbing mess
because I had broken it and I couldn't undo it.
And my mom was like mildly irritated, but that was it.
Learning that people don't tell me the truth because I don't get it
because I'm a rule follower.
Or because I'm awkward.
I'm not 100% sure why.
Bobbing my head as I try to process a conflict of expected information
or stimuli.
Arriving at very different conclusions than others and taking forever
to make decisions.
Feeling rejection to the core of my being.
Bursting into song or humming or randomly repeating words
to regulate because other measures have not worked.
Seeing and hearing things that many other people don't
seem to perceive yet somehow missing all of the aspects
that would help me to be successful in a social situation.
Screaming and crying and rocking and slamming and breaking down
because I can't process my emotions or thoughts very well.
Feeling fragile after meltdowns even for days,
but trying to keep up a good face for others
because it's not their problem.
It's not usually their fault, and they probably really wouldn't
understand anyway.
Being smart on paper, but a disappointment in person.
Having a high sense of loyalty to people.
Finding it hard to breathe in a social situation, in a setting
that is unfamiliar to me with people that I am also not super familiar with,
convincing myself that running away is not actually the best option
here, and clasping my hands tight while trying not to be in the way.
Being misunderstood, constantly.
Jumping up and down, flapping, and full body rocking
when watching my favorite character on my favorite show.
Holding myself to impossible standards while trying to deal
with the constant, wildly fluctuating standards of others.
Finding some things to be common sense, or maybe come easier to me
that maybe other people wouldn't expect or other people have difficulty with.
Wanting to do better, but being devastated by my own inabilities.
Thinking my ideas are amazing and having difficulty when other people
contribute to them or like want to modify them or poke holes in them.
Or maybe the worst: ignore them.
Struggling between being a ghost and a spectacle.
Still not having mastered the daily hygiene routine
that others might have due to the high demands.
Being stuck on words that have the 'm' or 'n'
sounds like "mm" and "nn" randomly for unknown reasons.
Experiencing pure terror when I somehow misread the situation
and can no longer think or process
and I just start throwing out words and actions because I have to
somehow recover and get back to this carefully constructed world
where I can do things with other people in social situations
as seamlessly as possible, and my mind isn't working anymore,
but hopefully all the random things I just threw at you will save my situation.
Finding joy in things that other people don't care about.
Needing other people to put my emotions into words.
Speaking differently at different times, like the way I speak,
the sound of my voice, stuff like that, depending on a number of factors
that at best I have been able to label as dysregulation.
Desiring tight hugs and comfort for emotion and sensory regulation,
but not being sure how to acquire these things.
Getting very exhausted by sensory stimuli and social situations,
even if I'm not necessarily participating in that much
or they're not that overwhelming in general.
Making friends with people who are older or younger [than] me and having
an immediate internal hesitation around people who are my age.
Losing friends without any or much explanation
and feeling the devastation alone, all while mysteriously being the one at fault.
Being able to explain or say things in ways
that most people have not particularly used before.
Noticing patterns and parallels in things that may not be readily apparent
to others.
Getting lost in projects and thoughts and ideas
and losing grasp on everything else, often to my detriment.
Taking things literally and getting annoyed when people say things
that don't make sense but want me to relate or do something with it.
Rejecting ideas because they're different before I can realize and recognize
that the reason I'm rejecting it is because it's different
or it's a change rather than that idea being good or bad.
Being naive, believing I understand the "true person" while a lot of times
these people are trying to deceive me or don't care about me at all.
Annoying people and realizing it, but not being able to stop.
Having strong, unpopular opinions or ideas
and not really having the desire to change them to fit in.
Wanting to be understood but not quite understanding myself.
Losing speech, motor coordination, and/or
cognitive abilities after too much stimulation.
Not being able to keep up
with the demands of relationships nor understanding boundaries well.
These are things that I feel expresses,
explains, somehow tells you in some way
what it's like for me, an autistic person.
I don't have a simulation or a VR experience for you,
and I can't boil it down to a simplified statement, but that's just me.
I can't make you think like me or see through my eyes
or into my world or make you process things the way I do.
But I hope that this gives you a little bit of an answer to the question:
What is it like to be autistic?
Thank you to everyone who supports me here on YouTube as YouTube channel members,
through Ko-fi, and as patrons
on Patreon, and a special thank you to my
Spinny Stimmy
tier patrons, Jack Varney and Philip Noah.