Deep breath, now...
THIEF 4 COMETH, rageaholics! ...and what a cartoonishly-long pause they
took before finally twisting the lid off that fuckin' time capsule!
I've taken a nice long while to process the news.
I've seen the screenshots, I've read the Game Informer article - and I'm happy to say it's
the first time I've fucking bothered with a Game Informer article since before this
game was fucking announced - but I think I've at last sufficiently digested yesterday's
flurry of announcements and it is officially time to drop trow and yield my ultimate result.
In the all and all, I am excited enough to pulverize sheet rock with my genitals in a
single thrust.
But the announcement wasn't without its more controversial moments, and I'm convinced that
most of those are perfectly justified, as well.
For one thing, the obvious, dimwitted - and repeated - comparisons to Dishonored!
Now, obviously, the simple response to the bovine brats that continue to level this contention
is to simply state the obvious fact that 'Thief was a highly-successful, multi-platinum-selling
video game series before Dishonored was a gleam in Harvey Smith's douche-smirk.'
Understand that as I say the following, I do so as someone who is well-acquainted with
the Thief series, its developmental history, and its modding culture at large.
The Dishonored comparisons?
They're kind of correct!
Thief: The Dark Project...
doesn't look like Dishonored.
Thief II: The Metal Age... doesn't look like Dishonored.
And don't say it's only hardware limitations that are frustrating any obvious visual comparisons,
because 2004's Thief: Deadly Shadows isn't far behind Dishonored in a technical sense...
and it still doesn't fucking look like Dishonored.
Frankly... this is a bit of an art design failure on Eidos Montréal's part.
For one thing...
what's with all the fuckin' daytime?
That's a good 3/4 of Thief's overall visual identity.
Every square inch of the medieval-meets-victorian setting was wreathed in deep, inky, obsidian
pools of shadow.
And as I look at these screenshots...
I'm not seeing any of that.
Is it a deal breaker for me?
Fuck no!
I'm still harder than Ellen Page's adam's apple.
The game looks gorgeous.
Though both games seem to have the same drab, grey filter, in the overall Thief 4 is lightyears
beyond the visually-disappointing Dishonored.
No, my only major point of contention can be explained in a mere two words, and those
are 'Focus...
MODE'.
I didn't hear a single fucking thing I liked when the developers turned to the subject
of focus mode.
So, wait... much like the abhorrent and violently fuckin' disappointing Hitman: Absolution...
you build up 'focus meter'... presumably by performing arbitrary tasks of some description...
which you can then expend at the press of a button in order to highlight every interactive
object in your immediate field of view, every container that contains loot, speed up the
process of lockpicking... and herein lies the rub...
*sigh* ...'perform needlessly-garish, contextual
first-person executions which are visually inspired by... and it grieves me to say this
but...
Guy Ritchie's SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES movies!'
Eidos Montréal, I want to make it perfectly clear that I harbor you no ill will, and consider
99% of what I read in that article to be massively encouraging, but I'd be remiss in my duties
if I didn't conclude this sentence with a hearty 'what the FUCK?!
Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes?
Guy Ritc-- I'd rather you used the Great Fucking MOUSE DETECTIVE as visual inspiration!
Those movies eat ass... from an ass... while riding an ass.
And those godawful action sequences are 80-90% of the reason why they do so!
You mean to tell me the THief series went from being inspired by masterpieces like The
City of Lost Children, The Maltese Falcon and The Third Man... to GUY FUCKING RITCHIE'S
SHERLOCK HOLMES!
Stephane Roy...
I mean you no ill will... but if you continue to say these things, I will be forced to feed
you this fucking magazine.
Consider this a formal request to PLEASE FUCKING REMOVE THAT FEATURE!
Last, but some distance from least, I further worry if the game is truly a next-gen exclusive.
While we've received no explicit statements purporting the game will not be released for
360 and PS3...
I seriously do worry - in this gaming economy - with the launch of systems that essentially
have zero titles that anyone is looking forward to on day one... and in all likelihood being
sold at a price point that will preclude their success out of the gate...
that Eidos Montréal will make the grave error of releasing Thief 4 as an exclusive to a
generation of gaming that fewer people are going to purchase then ever.
Because, if that's the long walk they're planning on taking, then I'm warning you guys right
now that its ultimate destination is the motherfucking gallows.
The planets could align...
Hell could freeze the fuck over and Lucifer himself could give free sleigh rides... and
there would still be NO CONCEIVABLE WAY... you make your money back... with Thief 4 as
a next-gen exclusive.
This game launches in 2014, less than a year after these systems launch, with as low of
install bases as these systems are likely to have?
You are taking some deep, long fucking drags off that crack pipe if you sincerely believe
that's a recipe for success, Eidos Montréal.
Particularly as nothing I'm seeing in these screenshots or descriptions looks like anything
profoundly next-gen.
You would have to be braindead or concussed or both... not to bring these games to PS3
and 360.
Massive fucking mistake.
But again: Unconfirmed.
One thing I want you all to take away from this is that I'm not looking for you to fail,
eidos Montréal.
With Deus Ex: Human Revolution, you guys - albeit a different team of 'you guys' - pulled off
the nigh-impossible: You simultaneously popularized and enriched one of the most complex video
game franchises in the history of the medium and restored it to prominence.
Execute the same with Thief... and you will hear nothing but praise from yours truly.
But, much like with the maligned 'yellow highlight' from Deus Ex 3, there needs to be some room
for collaboration, here, with the focus mode.
A game called 'Thief' cannot carry this feature into its final build.
All together, now: "Hey Hey!
Ho Ho!
Focus Mode Has Got to GO!"
Either kill it... or perform that mercy killing on this game.
I'm RazörFist.
God - fuckin' - SPEED!