As you know, coronavirus has been with us
for over a year now.
And it's changed everything about our lives. Right?
We've lost jobs, we've spent all day on Zoom,
we've forgotten how to interact with other people.
I mean, I don't even remember how to shake hands anymore.
Like, do I grab the other person's hand
or do I just shake mine in front of their face?
This is it, right? This-this is... No? No?
So, for a long time, we've been sitting in our homes
and washing our face masks, waiting for the day
when things would start to get back to normal.
Well, my friends, it looks like
that day may finally be here.
NEWSMAN: Tonight, the CDC's about-face changes daily life
for all Americans, especially those fully vaccinated,
releasing this new chart updating guidelines
on face masks outdoors. The agency now says
whether you're vaccinated or not,
it's safe to walk down the street, go for a run
or a bike ride, without a face covering.
You also won't need one to attend
a small outdoor gathering like a barbecue,
if everyone else is vaccinated.
For those who are fully vaccinated, the new
outdoor guidelines extend further, the CDC also saying
it's safe to gather outside in a small group
whether others are vaccinated or not.
The bottom line is clear:
if you're vaccinated, you can do more things.
So, for those who haven't gotten their vaccination yet,
this is another great reason to go get vaccinated
now, now.
Yes! Yes!
Yes, thank you, yes!
This is so great.
The CDC is saying
that you can walk and run outside
without a mask now,
even if you're not vaccinated.
Oh, hallelujah!
Guys, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. You know why?
Because now we won't have to give each other dirty looks
when we're walking past each other on the street
just because of wearing or not wearing masks. You know?
Now we can go back to the good old days
of giving each other dirty looks
because of racism, classism, sexism, ableism, homophobia,
and those people who wear Adidas pants with Nike shoes.
What are you doing?! You crazy motherf...
You see, we never needed masks.
We already knew how to hate each other.
I'm also glad because now,
according to the CDC charts,
if you're vaccinated, you can
go eat outdoors now without a mask on,
as opposed to before,
when you had to wear a mask while you were eating.
That was such a disaster.
But, man, I lost a ton of weight.
Ooh. Ooh.
Looking so good and hungry.
For real, people, I'm just so happy
that we can start taking off our masks now,
because everybody wants to take off their masks.
Like, nobody likes wearing those things.
You know, even Scorpion,
even Scorpion in the new Mortal Kombat movie,
even Scorpion just desperately wants to take off his mask.
? ?
(breathing heavily)
I don't know why he got that metal face mask.
Those things are so hard on your washing machine.
So, look, man, I'm excited that life
is slowly getting back to normal.
But what doesn't excite me
is the messaging from the CDC.
In fact, it's made me so mad
that the only way I can express myself
is in a viral rant.
? ?
Okay, now, look, people,
I know science is difficult
and this is a novel virus and all of that,
but who's running messaging at the CDC?
Huh?!
First they said masks make us less safe.
Oh, don't wear a mask.
Then they said masks make us more safe.
And now, according to this new chart,
masks can make you not safe again?
In fact, this whole chart is trash.
Yeah, I said it.
I mean, for starters,
this guy is in the least-safe category,
but he's wearing a mask.
If it's not safe, even with a mask on,
then don't have a guy there-- just have an "X"
or something that signifies danger,
like a skull and crossbones
or a picture of R. Kelly.
And the whole thing is too complicated.
I have to sit here trying to interpret reds
and yellows and greens.
There's outdoor-indoor, outdoor-indoor-partial indoor,
outdoor with the people who might be vaccinated,
partially vaccinated. This is unreadable!
You don't see the Forest Service putting out flowcharts like,
"No fires, unless the fires are in stone pits
"or you come from a long line of firefighters
"or you watch the weather and you know a rainstorm
is coming in a few minutes."
No. They say no fires
or this bear is gonna eat your (bleep) family.
Who designed this chart?
The same people who designed those parking signs in L.A.?
And the really frustrating thing about this chart
is that they've spent months,
they've spent five months telling us to get vaccinated.
"Oh, get vaccinated and this will all be over.
Get vaccinated.” And I was like, "Great,
"I'll get all the four vaccines if it means
I'll get my life back." But now,
now they're putting out a chart and it says,
even if you get vaccinated, you can only do two more things
without a mask on? Two?
Guys, what the hell?
The shit you're saying to people is incoherent.
You're telling us these new vaccines are 95% effective
and will stop coronavirus, but we still can't do anything
without a mask on anyway?
Which is it?
Is this one of the most effective vaccines
in the history of the world or does it not work?
It's not clear messaging,
especially if you're desperately trying to convince people
to get the vaccine.
Can you imagine if every time you ordered an Uber, it said,
"Oh, your Uber's coming in five minutes,
uh, but maybe also get a Lyft, you know, just in case."
I mean, I already know that maybe the Uber
could get into an accident on the way over,
but if the app keeps telling me that,
I'm gonna stop ordering Ubers.
And, yes, I know the CDC is just trying to cover all the bases,
because maybe there's a tiny chance you could get corona,
even if you're vaccinated.
But if that messaging ends up convincing people
that there's not much of a reason to get vaccinated at all,
then we're shooting ourselves in the foot,
which is not something we should do.
Or, as the CDC would put it,
masked guy in an indoor red zone.