- Memes.
Memes!
Memes (chuckles).
All right, we're about to react
to medical, I guess they're not medical, dog memes.
And I brought my good friend, Bear.
Bear, you're gonna laugh at these, right?
(Bear barking)
Yay, you're gonna laugh at them.
Memes, high-five.
Oh, you almost punched me.
Other high-five.
Yeah, memes, high-five.
Peewoop!
"Where do you see yourself in 20 years?"
Me, "Turning into a dog."
Honestly, I think owners look like their dogs.
I don't know how that is true because we're not related
to our dogs, but maybe our selections are based off that.
So do you think I look like this?
Do I look like you?
"Look for the girl with the broken smile."
This is, one heck of a broken smile.
"When the doctor takes an x-ray of my heart."
Oh, it's a little wiener dog.
I love wiener dogs, they're so cute.
They have so much personality.
They do yap a little bit too much.
They do kind of, ignore your commands
but otherwise, they're really sweet
and they love to snuggle.
And honestly, medically,
I would say you have cardiomywieneropathy (chuckles).
Wienermegaly, cardiomegaly means you have an enlarged heart,
wienermegaly means you have a large,
(signal beeping)
Friend, "It's a short trip,
pack only what you need," me (chuckles), "the dog."
Bear, you always wanna go in the suitcase,
but you can't fit.
"I searched for my dog for 20 minutes."
Oh my God!
That's literally Bear.
Bear, this is you.
Bear looks like a bear rug on the floor most times.
Do you remember when Bear was little?
He used to lay on my lap like this
and I could just pet him like that.
Now his head's bigger than his whole actual body.
Borkers, Yorkers, Boofers, Yippers, Yoofers, Woofers.
I understand what a Yipper is,
they're kind of like yippie dogs.
A Yoofer, I kind of get too, they go (barks).
Borkers go (barks).
Bear, you would be in the mix of a Boofer and a Borker.
I would ask him to bark
but I'm 99% sure he won't do it.
Bear, if I had treats you'd listen to me.
"You have one hour
to eat 500 nuggets, who do you choose to help you?"
Honestly, I think if I put out 500 nuggets,
Bear eats all of them in 1:47.
I wish we could test it in a healthy way
but we probably can't without hurting Bear.
"What's your ideal work environment?"
Yes, honestly, Bear sitting, but not on my lap.
He's too heavy for that.
He'll break the chair.
We just weighed him in at 130 the other day.
Him sitting at my feet keeping my feet warm,
that's the way to go.
"Lost dog, doesn't bark much,
well-behaved, likes Metallica."
This reminds me of Friends when they used
to have the pet duck.
Oh look, it's...
Oh, I forgot the name of this dog.
It's a Whippet.
- [Sam] It looks close.
- Looks close, right?
- [Sam] Yeah, close enough.
- It's either a Whippet or some kind of...
No, I think it's a Whippet.
See, I know my dog breeds.
♪ Let me do it for you ♪
- "My owner has been gone for 0.02 seconds."
9-1-1, "Have you tried eating the couch?"
Okay, Bear doesn't eat the couch 'cause he's a good boy.
The secret to having your dog
not eat the couch is crate training them early on.
That way when they're
in the crate, they're not gonna be eating eating the couch.
When they come out of the crate,
you could visualize what they're doing
and make corrections as needed,
and only allow them out of the crate
under direct observation to make those corrections.
Right, Bear?
That's why you don't eat the couch, gimme a kiss.
(quirky instrumental music)
No.
Kiss?
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, you don't eat the couch but you eat my face.
Dare I say, chihuahua muffin?
Come on, it's a chihuahua muffin.
Honestly, blueberry muffins are one
of my favorite foods and I grew up eating them
and I kinda hate that I did,
'cause I think
that's what secretly destroyed my cholesterol.
You have no idea how much saturated fat
and fat there is in muffins.
A muffin, you would think is just like,
"Oh, it's like a little snack," no, it's not a snack.
It's a hidden treasure trove
of saturated fat and calories and carbs.
"Jurassic bark."
Oh my God, Bear has a Halloween costume of a dinosaur.
We'll put it on shortly.
♪ Don't stop retrievin' ♪
♪ Hold on to that feeling ♪
Feline (chuckles), I can't pronounce feline.
Bear, do you like cats?
I'm gonna do this.
This is gonna get me in trouble.
If this video gets 300,000 likes,
I will consider getting Bear a pet cat
that looks just like him, a brown cat.
Do they make brown cats?
- [Sam] Yes.
- Corgia?
South Corgilina?
North Corgilina?
You know what's funny?
The other dog that I was considering getting Bear
as a friend was a Corgi,
'cause I feel like I've grown out of the phase
of wanting a very athletic dog.
I want a chill dog.
Bear is a very chill dog.
But imagine having two chill dogs.
You'd have them smile at each other like this all the time.
Look, "Cheese."
"Let me in so I can tell you I wanna go back outside again."
Yeah, that's most dogs.
That's why I'm happy Bear doesn't have a a doggy door
so I could just keep him inside all the time, right, newf?
You know, Bear reminds me of those troll dolls.
Look at that.
How do you feel about his Mohawk?
Look at that.
"I'm not fat, I'm just a little husky."
Aww, and it has two different color eyes.
Those are so cute.
You gotta try and keep your dog not obese
because dogs that carry extra weight, live shorter lives.
They have problems with their hips.
So that's why we're trying to keep Bear nice and trim.
I don't mean his hair, 'cause that's clearly not trim.
But his body is very nice.
You could just barely feel his ribs.
So you know he's in a good body habitus.
"CPR not working, let's hide the body."
That's funny.
Bear does that all the time.
Especially, if I'm lying down.
"Does your dog bite?"
"No, it's worse, she judges."
When Bear comes up to people
and people are like, "Oh, my God, can I pet your dog?"
I say, "Yeah, sure, just be careful."
And as soon as I say, "Be careful," they panic.
But what I'm saying is, "Be careful, he slobbers."
Half the people say, "Oh my God,
I don't wanna get my clothes dirty, but he's so cute."
And then the other people welcome his drool
on their face as if it's moisturizer.
And I'm like, "All right, you're going too far."
"I grab my keys, my dog."
Honestly, if I come up
to the door and I put on my shoes, Bear does not react.
But if I come on
and he hears the jingle of his leash, that's a game-changer.
"Finally, a political movement I can can get behind.
Thor Michaelson says no to vacuums."
They're loud and they freak him out.
Honestly, Bear doesn't get scared of vacuums,
but if you come next to him with a vacuum
and you're vacuuming next to him, he freaks out
and he wants to get away.
"Pixar," (chuckles), Bear, look it's a cone.
Well, actually, when Bear had his surgeries,
I didn't get him a cone.
I got him this round, inflatable pillow thing.
He seemed to be more comfortable with it.
"I almost had a heart attack this morning."
Oh, it kind of does look like a tiger.
Oh, that's funny.
How is that dog so tall?
I don't even know what's happening here, to be honest.
I feel like this is Photoshop.
(chuckles) This is the Drake meme?
Doesn't like the fireworks, loves the tennis ball.
Honestly, Bear will fetch maximum, five times
and then I don't know if he's tired or he is over it
but he doesn't like fetching more than five times.
"She called you a good dog 1,000 times."
"I just remember one time, six years ago
when she told me I was a very, very bad dog."
Honestly, I disagree.
I think dogs don't remember anything negative.
They only see the best in you.
(lips smacking)
"I did the math, we can't afford the cat."
Oh, Bear, we already promised them 300,000 likes.
Bear, where are you going?
Just trying to get comfy?
All right, so do you want the cat or not?
"Waiting on my luggage."
It's a stick.
Oh my God, that reminds me of the stick
from the short that we put up
where it was $295, the world's most expensive stick.
"Would still pet," (chuckles) explosive dog.
How would we write that?
We wouldn't write explosive dog.
We would say bomb-sniffing dog.
Bear, you're an explosive dog, you have explosive diarrhea.
"A bus full of former bad boys, headed home
from good boy camp."
Oh, little doggos with seat belts on.
This is the most safe school bus of dogs I've ever seen.
"So your owner made you fetch the ball
but they never actually threw it?
I'd say you have a strong case for fraud."
Bear, go get it.
Go, bring it, come on.
(Mike applauding)
Yeah, that's a good boy.
Look, he brought the Roxy head that he's destroyed.
Lay down.
Ah, it's dog wars, yeah.
Let him entertain himself while I'm...
Oh, he's over it.
That was quick.
"What my dog is called, Charlie.
What I call my dog, Poffle, Boofus, Mok,
Ponzle, Foffle, Pritchard, Ernesto, Booshy Boy."
Bear's nicknames, Bear, Floof, Newf, Dewf, Doggo,
I think that's it.
"This dog comes with two subs."
Oh, that's really cute.
I have the same backpack for Bear
but I use it to hold water bottles
when we go hiking to give him a little extra weight.
"Someone should invent an alarm clock
where the alarm clock is the sound of a dog
about to throw up because nothing wakes me up
and gets me out of bed faster than that."
Honestly, so true.
It's actually happened when we film videos.
Weaknesses, worried about their social status, inflexible?
(Bear retching)
Did Bear just throw up?
And the only reason I get up so quickly is
because this dog, for some reason, will throw up
and just lay right back down
into it like he's going for a swim.
"When I see my coworker's dog
in the background of the video chat," I am that way.
And every time Bear pops up
into my videos, everyone's talking about it too.
"My emotional support dog after one day with me."
Honestly, I feel like Bear would run out
of empathy really quick
if he actually knew what I was talking about
when I unload my feelings to him.
Actually, that's why he's tired right now.
'Cause last night I was going through it
and I couldn't sleep so I had some anxiety.
So I started telling him all my problems.
So I think he's carrying that burden right now.
It's not breaking HIPAA if you tell your dog
about your patients, right?
"By the age of 30, you should have a dog, anxiety
and a dog (chuckles) with anxiety."
Oh, my God.
At age 33, I cannot see a more accurate meme.
I have a dog,
I have anxiety and I have a dog with anxiety.
Actually, I don't know,
he doesn't look like he has much anxiety.
"How it feels sharing the bed with my dog."
Oh, my God, that is me.
If I let him on my bed, not only is it incredibly hairy
but there's no room, 'cause he's giant.
"Do dogs understand elevators
or are they like, 'Okay, it's time to get out
into the world changer?'"
Every time the elevator door opens, Bear gets in it.
But I don't think he understands what's happening.
I think he just sees a door open
and he thinks that's the next step
because that's been his progression for so long.
But you know what is interesting?
If the elevator stops
at a different floor, he knows not to get off.
So what's that about?
What does he know about that floor that I don't know?
"Me hungover af trying to find the ibuprofen aisle."
Be careful with ibuprofen when you're hungover.
Your stomach's irritated from alcohol,
you have a little gastritis, ibuprofen can make it worse.
"How my dog sees himself when the doorbell rings."
Honestly, Bear acts so hard when the doorbell rings
and then the second someone comes
in, he just starts licking them and welcoming them
and showing them where all the valuables are.
He's like the exact opposite of this.
"He is pure bread," (laughs).
I would like for my next dog to be a rescue.
My biggest concern is where to find one
that matches my personality
and how that whole process works.
So if anyone has tips, hit me down below.
"I'm sorry, Jack, there's not enough room."
It's all these dogs.
James Cameron just came out with a statement
and said that it's scientifically not plausible
for both of them to have survived.
And actually, the book that I'm reading was interesting
in that, they talked about whether
or not our emotions would change if she invited him
and he said no, if he asked to come on
and then she said no,
and how would that affect our viewpoints
of these characters?
I thought it was a really interesting discussion.
What would you think if he got on there with her
with another person and one of them had
to jump off or get pushed off,
and she pushed off the other person?
What would your thoughts be about her?
Did you know that Bear was actually attacked
in a dog park by a Golden retriever?
Click here for that full story
as well as some tips on what to do
in case you witness a dog fight.
As always, stay happy and healthy.
Oh, and get your merch.
You know, you gotta get those organs.
It's actually right down below as well.
(mellow music)