Y'all enjoying life?
(audience whoops)
WOMAN: Yes.
Good, 'cause you could be dead.
(audience laughs)
You could definitely be dead, man.
Lot of entertainers
dying young.
I can't afford that luxury.
You know?
My fan base isn't big enough.
"The news came out that comedian Damien Lemon died."
I got good friends of mine that'd be like,
"Comedian?
Only Damien Lemon I know worked at the Verizon store."
Oof.
It's terrible.
Oh, man.
I'm getting fat.
Little bit.
Got a little... little gut.
I got fat 'cause I like to eat.
You know.
I'm a foodie.
Any foodies in the building?
(audience whooping)
Probably are. Foodies?
Yeah.
"Foodie," you know, that's just a euphemism
for doing fat people shit, you...
You know that, right? That's... you know.
There's a lot of gluttony that gets...
gets dismissed under that umbrella of "foodie."
I don't even like calling it "fat people shit,"
to be honest with you, 'cause I feel like
fat people got way more dignity
than your average foodie.
You know? Like...
Fat people don't need to take a picture
of every plate of wings
that comes across their path, you know.
That's ridiculous.
Like, if you stand on line for over an hour
for any type of pastry,
that's fat people shit, you know?
It's not that serious.
If you watch
and you get upset
when he can't complete the challenge...
that's fat people shit.
You lookin' at the TV like, "Come on, fam!
"It's 16 milkshakes!
That's liquid! This is bullshit!"
If you know what Instagram filter
best flatters the butter
on your pancakes...
that's fat people shit.
You need to take it easy.
When you're a foodie, you take Yelp real serious, too.
Yelp becomes your GPS, right?
Yelp took all of the...
the risk out of eating out.
Remember? Like, remember way back in the days,
like, two, three years ago...
when you would go to a restaurant, you know,
and if-if the food was bad, you just took a loss?
You and your lady probably angry for the rest of the night
or something, you know.
Now, with Yelp,
you want to go out to eat.
You just go online, you get a complete dossier
of the restaurant.
It gives you all types of information,
some that you didn't even ask for.
You're like, "Oh, okay.
"Says here...
"'Seared scallops are amazing,'
"but it also says,
"'The chef beats his wife.'
"Oof.
"The chef...
(groans)
"I don't advocate domestic violence,
"but I'm starving, you know?
"It's hard to get a good sear on a scallop, you know?
"Especially the little ones.
When you get that sear, it's like butter."
Plus, there's a lot of failed novelists on Yelp.
I don't know if you ever noticed that.
There's no reason a review for a pizza shop
should be seven and a half paragraphs long.
Man, what's going on?
I swear, I was reading a review for a pizza shop.
The first line said, "It was a chilly day for August."
What? What is that?
What, are you trying to get a book deal?
What is this?
It said, "Me and my friend Jeremy
"were walking through the West Village.
"Jeremy was feeling rather forlorn
because he had just gone through a divorce."
What the... what is this?
I had to scroll through
three and a half paragraphs of exposition
to get one line that says, "The pizza was... eh."
This is ridiculous, man.
Supposed to go to three weddings this year.
You can hear the enthusiasm in my voice.
And, uh, I'm... I'm getting to the point now
where I'm starting to have,
like, no love
for other people's love.
Especially when it affects my budget, you know?
You know what I mean?
Like, when I get a wedding invitation,
I don't even get excited.
I look at that shit like a invoice,
like, "How much is this gonna cost?
This is ridiculous."
You know, 'cause people don't get regular married no more.
Remember back in the days, people used to get married
at the local church in town,
somewhere you could go to by car...
That's played out now.
Like, everybody wants to have a destination wedding,
get married in some far-off, exotic location,
and they want you to come.
You know? 'Cause you're a friend,
and this is a real-life friendship appraisal.
Like, I got friends of mine
that have never traveled no further than Atlanta,
but they want to get married in Antigua.
And you gotta be there, you know?
So then you out there with a attitude,
barefoot in the hot-ass sand,
moving from side to side, like, "Yo! I'm here!
I told you I was your friend!"
You beefin' with the couple in the back,
"You know, I paid $1,500 to come to this sh...
"This is the third one.
"I didn't even meet the second wife.
This is some bullshit."