Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I d discuss the characteristics and behaviours
of a narcissistic mother in law. Now if you like this video, if you find it helpful please consider
subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental health related topics. But just as
a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional, nor
is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone. Now some of the common characteristics of narcissism
include a sense of entitlement, there s a need for attention. There s a disregard for other people s
boundaries, there s being intensely disagreeable. There s a lack of empathy, and either being highly
resistant or highly sensitive to criticism. And when it comes to narcissism, I m not just talking
about someone who can be selfish or difficult once in a while. I think if we re honest with ourselves
we all can be a little bit like that from time to time. When I m referring to narcissism
I m referring something that is long term, something that is pathological, it is pervasive,
it is consistent. Now in a relationship, be it a marriage or long term relationship,
especially where there are children involved, your relationship with your in-laws can have a large
impact on your relationship with your partner, and indeed your kids.
But with a narcissistic mother in law remember she is a narcissistic mother as well. She doesn
t necessarily see her own children or indeed her grand-children as people, as individuals.
They are extensions of herself. They must reflect how perfect she is, and if the son or daughter in
law does not reflect that, if they do not comply with the control, if they show any kind of free
thinking or whatever, she will do whatever she can to regain some sense of control, but take
no responsibility, if her behaviour even means the end of that marriage. So here some of the common
characteristics and behaviours of a narcissistic mother in law. Now I m just going to refer to the
partner. The partner meaning the husband, the wife of her adult child. The son in law, or the
daughter in law, okay? So first of all she can be very cruel. She will go out of her way to make
sure the partner doesn t feel welcome. She will do this many different ways. For example there
s unkind, humiliating humour, she might ignore them, talk over the top of them, picking holes
and contradicting everything that they say. She might even be making plans for family activities
that the partner knows nothing about, and the partner ends up having to cancel their plans,
having to attend. But one way or another she will make it clear that the partner is not liked,
and will always be on guard, always be ready for an opportunity to hurt them. Secondly,
she s always right, which by default, means she s never wrong. Now this might come across
as because she s older, that means she has more wisdom and more experience. She ll know the best
school for the for kids to go to. She ll know the best place to buy a house. She will know the best
kind of job or career that the partner needs. And because she s always right, she ll never
apologise. And because she s always right, she ll expect the partner to see it that way as well.
She will expect subservience. She will expect the partner to maybe adopt her world view,
her culture, her political beliefs or religion or whatever. The partner might have to learn to
cook, raise kids and behave in a way that she approves, the way that she would. The partner
will also be expected to worship her the way everyone else does. Failure to do any of these
things means the partner is vile, despicable and she is entitled to complain and bad mouth them,
and, you know, she will say things like after all that I ve done for that young couple. She
will even tell her own son or daughter what a poor choice they made in picking them as a partner.
Next up she is very charming. But only to outsiders. Now because image is everything,
to outsiders she s lovely, she s selfless, she s an amazing, brilliant grandmother. In fact,
if you think about it, being the matriarch in perhaps her own little narcissistic family cult
she s probably quite good at this. She s probably quite altruistic as well. Those who don t really
know her probably fall for that, just as maybe the partner did when they first met.
But like with most narcissists this charm is all false, it s a form of manipulation,
to gaslight others into believing the false narrative of a perfect family. In those early days
whenever the partner was first introduced to the family it was also a way of fooling the partner
into thinking they are really nice people. Feeling safe to share personal information which was then
used to hurt them and humiliate them later on. The partner will always get to see the toxic
negative side that others don t get to see, or perhaps the family are afraid to
mention or notice. If they do mention it to anyone then they are seen as being horrible,
they are being nasty to such a lovely caring sweet old woman. Next up, she will have no respect
whatsoever for her own child s partner. The partner is beneath contempt. She will have no
respect for their beliefs, their words, their experiences, their boundaries even. And if you
think about it she didn t really have respect for her own, so why would she have respect for them?
Because of an inflated sense of herself she ll be very dismissive of any of their accomplishments,
achievements, or any of the beliefs of the partner. She will again claim that she knows more,
she s more experienced, or she knows someone who did it better. She feels good when the
partner feels bad. Now having said that she may show some appreciation or pride in the partner
if it benefits her publicly somehow, if it s of any value to her. Other than that though she may
ask the partner for their opinion on something, then only to either ignore it or to ridicule it,
or say the opposite just to be disagreeable. When it comes to boundaries and disrespecting
the partner now, if the family is visiting the in laws you know, she might ask would you like tea,
coffee, something to eat. If the partner says no, she will still bring them something
anyway. And if they object if they complain then the partner looks or is made to feel as if
they re being ungrateful, you know, she was only making them feel welcome. Or she may turn up at
their house unannounced, criticise how untidy the house is, criticise the behaviour of the children.
But the whole time expect to be treated as if she s royalty. Next up and I think this is possibly
one of the most insidious things, if she can t control the partner through threat, intimidation,
guilt tripping, gaslighting, then she will tighten the control she has over her own son
or daughter in that relationship. She ll tighten the control she has over the grandchildren,
other friends and in laws in order to control the partner. And if the couple were to say,
say that they were maybe thinking of getting a pet for the kids, now
the mother in law will maybe come up with some story about she knows someone who bought a pet
for someone, you know and the house burnt down, it sank into a swamp and all the children cried.
What she s really saying is I don t want you getting a pet and chances are that couple end up
not getting a pet. But the next thing she ll do is tell the children it s because of the partner,
their mum or their dad that s why they don t have a pet she will blame them. Either that,
or perhaps one day she will just turn at their house with a pet, a puppy or a kitten or whatever,
making it very difficult for the parents to say no to the children. And the simplest of things
as well will be made really difficult. She will go out of her way to make everyone s life difficult,
to make the partners life difficult. She will make other people s lives difficult just to get
at the partner sometimes. She will make it clear to her own son or daughter how unhappy she is at
how the partner behaves around her. Things that they may do or say will be twisted into insults
towards her. Next up, she is spiteful. She is vindictive, and she will hold a grudge. If she
feels threatened by the partner she will find ways to punish them, through either her own
child or through the grand children. Narcissism by its very nature can be very vindictive it
is very destructive, and if a narcissist cannot destroy something from the inside,
they will try to destroy it from the outside. If she cannot destroy the partner somehow, she will
try to destroy the relationship. She will even try to destroy the partners relationship with their
own children. Next common characteristic would be, she s constantly involved in the marriage. Now
this is either up front, in your face, or it s manipulating behind the scenes. Now this might
look like expecting constant phone calls if the couple are on holiday, the family are on holiday,
wanting updates, you know, what they re doing, making sure everybody s safe okay. Either that
or or constantly advising against decisions the couple might be making. But it will always from
a position of I m only trying to help . She will be intrusive, demand answers to personal questions
that are really none of her business, but again she will be doing this because she s concerned.
When these tactics don t work when she isn t getting what she wants she will lash out
and bully, if not the partner then her own child or indeed the grandchildren. Lastly
she will do the same thing with the grandchildren as she did with her own children. She will have
her favourite, she will have her scapegoat, she will treat them differently, have them
compete with each other for her affection. She will undermine not just the partner but
both parents in that relationship to them, undermine them, lead the grandchildren to
believe they have to answer to her. In cases of divorce or separation she will actively engage
in parental alienation tactics to turn the children against the estranged parent.
Now the difficulty is, in a relationship with someone who s mother is narcissistic,
unless they get it, unless they see it, unless they acknowledge what their mother is really like,
the relationship is going to be in a state of strain and hardship where one
person is maybe being abused, neglected, devalued and invalidated and the other,
now whether it s through fear or maybe it s because they re narcissistic themselves,
they allow it. And they allow it by either not standing up to the mother or for not at
least acknowledging the pain, and the terrible behaviour, the affect that has on the partner.
So that s a brief outline of some of the common behaviours, and characteristics of a
narcissistic mother-in-law. Now I know I ve only mentioned a few there s probably a lot more so
if you have any comments or anything you might like to share please feel free to use the comment
box below, there have been some interesting conversations starting around these videos.
If you liked this video if you found it helpful please consider subscribing to my channel for
future updates on mental health related topics and until next time, thanks for watching.