- Must be nice to be old.
'Cause you can wear a bandaid on your face for no reason.
(audience laughing)
And also you can make noises and people just accept it.
You just be like...
(Neal coughing) (audience laughing)
(upbeat music) (audience clapping)
So I'm single.
(audience laughing)
No, I'm single!
So girls will send me pictures of their boobs sometimes.
And it's the best.
(audience laughing)
It's the best. That never happens to my married guy friends.
I shouldn't say it never happens.
My married guy friends and their wives
will send them pictures of their boobs.
But it's always with a note that says like,
"I think my rash is back."
(audience laughing)
So girls will send me pictures of their boobs
and then I gotta send something back
and this is about all we have to send.
So, but fellas, women don't want that.
So put something in the frame, if you're gonna take
a picture of it, that women actually like.
Put like a scented candle down there.
(audience laughing)
Or like a gift certificate for Sephora.
- Whoo! Yeah! (audience laughing)
- Yeah.
Or like a bigger dick.
Something. (audience laughing)
Women are sensual creatures. You understand me?
So they don't want the organ.
They want a hint of sexuality.
Fellas, so if you got abs,
take a picture of your abs.
You know what else women like? Women like this thing.
Whatever this is, the ramp.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Yeah, the on-ramp to Dick City.
(audience laughing)
For the black girls, the D'Angelo muscle.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Yeah.
Yeah, this is romantic. This is like "The Notebook."
(audience laughing)
This is "A Walk To Remember."
(audience laughing)
This is "Alien 3."
(audience laughing)
I, actually, I watch documentaries. That's my only habit.
I watched this really good Lance Armstrong documentary.
It's called "The Armstrong Lie." Anybody see it?
All right, it's fantastic. One guy.
(audience laughing)
Fantastic, going into the movie, I thought what
we all thought about Lance Armstrong,
which is he's a piece of garbage.
But now that I've seen the movie,
it's a little more complicated than that because...
All right, he won the Tour de France seven times
on drugs every time but here's the thing,
he also raised 100 million dollars for cancer research.
Say what you want about the guy
but he figured out a way to do drugs for charity.
That's something. (audience laughing)
And it must have been hard to resist, too, 'cause
if someone came to me and was like, Neil, you can cure
pediatric AIDS but you're gonna have to a ton
of cocaine, I'd be like, let's help some kids.
(audience laughing)
So I live in California
and in California, the law is that we can't talk
on the phone and drive, we can't text and drive.
To talk on the phone and drive, we gotta have the hands free
device but my hands free device broke recently,
like a year and a half ago.
(audience laughing)
So we all have the same plan pretty much
for not getting pulled over, here's what we do.
We'll be driving along, talking to our friend,
look over, see a cop.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping and laughing)
Then you gotta yell to your friend like,
yo, there's a cop next to me just hang out
for a second, all right? (audience laughing)
Same plan? Yeah.
They'll never catch us, these bitch ass cops.
(audience laughing)
Texting and driving, also illegal.
That, I gotta say, I agree with, though
'cause texting and driving
is some mind bending shit, isn't it?
(audience laughing)
For real, 'cause you'll be driving along and be like,
you know what, let me just quickly...
(audience laughing)
Text my friend here.
You look up and you're like, wow!
Was I driving that whole time? (audience laughing)
That shit was dangerous, fuck.
(audience laughing)
'Cause when I looked down, I was on the highway.
(audience laughing)
And now I'm in my garage.
(audience laughing)
Hey, where are we on Obama? We like him?
- Whoo! (audience cheering)
(audience clapping)
- You vote for him, brother?
You voted for him? Yeah.
Bro, did you vote for him?
Yeah, every brother I know voted for him.
(audience laughing)
Did brothers even need to punch the ballot
or you could just walk in and be like,
all right, put me down for my man.
(audience laughing)
Bitch, you know what the (beep) this is. All right.
(audience laughing)
(Neal chuckling)
I like the dude.
I voted for him but in some ways he's like,
America's rebound boyfriend.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean, like we just wanna be able to call
George Bush and be like, yeah, we're with
someone else now, George.
(audience laughing)
And get this, he listens to us
and he doesn't just attack people for no reason.
And, oh, yeah, did I mention he's Black? Click.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you know the other thing is he gets blamed
for a lot of stuff but I feel like 70% of the stuff
he gets blamed for is Bush's fault.
Yeah. (audience clapping)
Yeah.
It's sad 'cause it's just another case
of a brother being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
(audience laughing)
Getting accused of some stuff he didn't do.
America's like, freeze, put your hands
against the White House.
It was George Bush and Dick Cheney, they just (beep) left.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping and cheering)
Yeah, and they sometimes they say...
I follow the administration pretty closely
and they say, you know, he's too insulated
against his critics.
So he relies on Sasha and Malia and Michelle
to keep him humble but...
That might keep him humble but you know
what'll keep him really humble?
Is if Sasha and Malia were white.
'Cause they're like 12 and 14, they're sweet girls
but if they were white, there's no one meaner
on Earth than 12 and 14 year old white girls.
They're like the meanest little bitches on the planet.
(audience laughing)
'Cause now he comes home and he's like,
Sasha, Malia, study hard, get into a good school.
And they're like, yes, Daddy, we love you.
But if they were white, he'd come home and be like,
Sasha, Malia, study hard, get into a good college.
They'd be like, for what? You ruined the economy.
There's not gonna be any jobs when we get out, you jackass!
(audience laughing)
We're going to Cancun, hopefully, you won't wreck America
while we're gone, dumb ass.
(audience laughing)
Oh, look, Sasha, it's Daddy's birth certificate.
Psych, you don't have one, foreigner.
(audience laughing) Look, these computers
are too powerful, am I right?
(audience laughing)
These phones and computers are great
but they're too powerful.
We're all like Roman emperors now
just on our computers all day.
On Facebook and YouTube. Don't like.
That, I like. Incoming call.
Ignore!
(audience laughing)
We gotta figure this out 'cause
we have people giving these that are not qualified.
'Cause I was on YouTube, Beethoven's "5th Symphony."
(Neal humming "5th Symphony")
The most famous song of all time.
10,000 dislikes on YouTube!
(audience laughing)
I'm not kidding, that many people were like,
your music stinks, bro, and I know music, I'm from Tampa.
Thumbs down. (audience laughing)
Anybody here married?
- Whoo! - Yeah!
(audience clapping)
Really?
Here's what I think, ladies.
I don't think you need men anymore.
Ladies, I think you spend most of your lives
in your own heads.
(audience laughing)
Thinking about cute things
that you're gonna do in the future.
And, basically, guys are just props in that.
(audience laughing)
And you like a lot of lead time
to think about this cute shit, too.
That's why you're always planning ahead so far, ladies.
Where you'll be like, hey can we go to the botanical
gardens three Sundays from now?
And we're like, sure, babe. (audience laughing)
In the back of our heads, we're like,
hopefully, I'll be dead by then.
(audience laughing)
It's so that you can take the full three weeks
thinking about how cute you're gonna look
and you don't even care about these places.
You don't care about the botanical gardens
or sailing or wine tasting.
You go to these things for one thing
and one thing only, ladies.
You gotta get a picture.
(audience laughing)
Of yourself.
(audience laughing)
Looking cute.
(audience laughing)
As like a receipt
or a proof of purchase
(audience laughing)
that something cute happened.
(audience laughing)
And you were the one who did it.
Fellas, we can be in the picture
but it's for her, looking cute
so that she can post the picture online,
so that her enemies can see it.
(audience laughing)
Yes.
She wants her enemies to see it and be like, shit.
This bitch is cute.
(audience laughing)
The economy's awful, isn't it?
You know what drives me crazy about the economy?
Is when they talk about it on the news,
they act like everybody's rich.
You notice that, where they'll be like,
"Global economic meltdown.
"Is your money safe?"
What do you mean, the $43 I have my checking account?
(audience laughing)
It should be okay. Thank you.
Then you turn the channel and they're like,
"Has the value of your property gone down?"
Huh.
I don't know.
Let me ask my Goddamn landlord.
(audience laughing)
You know what the worst part about having a landlord is?
People think it's the money, it's so not the money.
Worst part of having a landlord
is having to call the landlord
landlord.
(audience laughing)
It's a bit of an exaggerated title, isn't it?
For a guy who rents out rooms to strangers for money.
The landlord?
Like there's something medieval about the whole thing.
(audience laughing)
Whenever I see my landlord now, just to mess with him,
I'm always like, "M'lord.
(audience laughing)
"M'lord, I come to thee...
(audience laughing)
"From the kingdom of apartment 4J.
(audience laughing)
"M'lord, if you wouldn't mind
"taking off your cape,
"I need you to unclog m'toilet."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, so fellas, you know, we gotta empathize.
Empathize with your girl. Tell her she's cute.
She'll be like, oh, I wasn't even thinking about it.
She's thinking about it.
(audience laughing)
Selfie!
(audience laughing)
And then, ladies, we need empathy
in a whole 'nother direction
'cause I don't think you understand
what it's like to be a dude.
'Cause I had a girl recently ask me, she goes,
"What's your type?"
I was like, "I don't really have a type."
And she goes, "Why not?"
And I go, "'Cause I never get to pick."
(audience laughing)
It's never up to the guy.
It's up to the girl. Girls are the buyers.
Men are the sellers.
Basically, me and every guy in here
are pretty much dick salesmen.
(audience laughing)
In fact, you know what? I'm a used dick salesman.
(audience laughing)
No payments 'til June.
(audience laughing)
Low miles.
(audience laughing)
Leaks a little bit in the summer.
(audience laughing)
I just got turned down by three women in like 10 seconds.
And as a guy, that's about average.
(audience laughing)
Basically, a guy's entire life is just like...
(Neal grunting)
(audience laughing)
And then we die. That's what our life is.
A party is basically, a guy's like,
(Neal grunting) And girl's like, I'm freezing!
(audience laughing) (Neal grunting and groaning)
(audience laughing)
(Neal laughing)
(Neal grunting and groaning)
(audience laughing)
Yeah, guys get rejected constantly.
That's the thing.
That's why we can't have feelings.
(audience laughing)
It's too much dick to sell.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)