- Where do I begin?
My business is in shambles,
I'm about to be deported.
My fake fiance dumped me
so I can't even keep phony relationship going.
(audience laughs)
Oh and yesterday I lost a tooth.
(audience laughs)
No warning, just sneezed my upper right molar flew out
landed in my purse.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies? - How ya doing?
- Hi.
- How's it going? - Hello.
- Hi. (giggles) (audience laughs)
- I feel young and hot, (audience laughs)
like they're undressing me with their eyes
and not finding Spanx. (audience laughs)
Victoria Chase will not be making any statement
at this difficult and heartbreaking time.
- [Paparazzi Cameraman] Hey, how's it going?
(camera clicking) (audience laughs)
- Just now when I was in the parking lot
admiring your brand new Ferrari,
I ran into Alex!
- What? (audience laughs)
- Your evil twin, and when I told him you
and I were together he flew into a jealous rage.
And started attacking your gorgeous new car
with a crowbar. (audience laughs)
- What are you talking about?
- Oh it was horrible, he shattered the windshield
he slashed the tires
he even ripped that cute little prancing horse off the hood.
(audience laughs)
- I don't have an evil twin.
- And now you don't have a Ferrari either.
(audience laughs) (crown applauds)
- Where is that champagne I ordered?
- I'll get us some cocktails.
Now that we're models we may as well go in a liquid diet.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
(audience swoons and cheers)
- He must've read what I wrote about her in the men's room.
(ladies at table laugh) (audience laughs)
- The moment we've all been waiting for is finally here.
Tonight on the most dramatic episode
in the history of this series-
- You don't have to shout, I'm right here.
(audience laughs)
- Alcohol and salt and trans fats.
(audience laughs)
- I know, French fry grease is literally sweating
from my pores. (audience laughs)
(audience laughs hysterically)
(doorbell rings)
- There's my 22 year old, he thinks I'm 26.
- Is he blind?
- Yes.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Yo my k, how ya livin'?
(audience laughs)
- Hey Joy.
- Ready to roll deep and get money?
(audience laughs)
- You know it.
(audience laughs)
- Just tell them that I care for their son very much.
- Joy they're deaf. If we really wanna convince them
I'm afraid they'll have to read our lips.
(audience laughs)
- Oh fine.
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs hysterically)
You know both of your problems
have put things in perspective for me.
I need to stop being so desperate.
If Simon gets in contact good.
But if he doesn't it's cool.
(cellphone beeps)
I'm not gonna define myself
by whether or not some man- (Joy screams)
(audience laughs)
It's a text from Simon! He's coming next week
and he can't wait to see me!
What am I gonna wear? What if my face breaks out?
What if he meets a more beautiful woman
than me on the plane?
I'll kill her that's what I'll do!
(audience laughs)
And I'll do it slowly. (audience laughs hysterically)
- I'm engaged,
to a homeless man. (audience laughs)
- You're engaged to a random homeless man?
- He's not random, he's Opera guy. (audience chuckles)
- The guy that stands outside and sings?
- Yes. This means I get to stay in the country
be happy for me.
- I'm happy for you.
Sad for the country (audience laughs)
- If you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to plan
and fiance's name to learn.
- Joy, I'm so proud of you. Look at that hard healthy meal.
- Heart disease is the number one killer of women.
Heart disease is the number one killer of me.
Many women don't personalize the risk.
(audience laughs)
- Look at you with new fun things to say.
(audience laughs)
- Don't patronize me, I'm in a hideous mood.
This morning I drank tea made from a nicotine patch.
(audience laughs)
- Where's Victoria?
- She said she and Elka were going to a soup kitchen.
- What? That doesn't make sense.
- Stop yelling at me, I'm doing the best I can.
(audience laughs)
(rhinoceros bellow)
- That's a rhino mating song!
- Moses is aroused!
- Really? How can you tell?
WOAW!
Run Clementine run! (audience laughs)
- But why is he aroused now, what's changed?
(birds chirping)
(audience laughs)
- Joy.
- By the looks of it Moses will be done soon anyway.
He'll probably be dressed, gone
and enjoying a pint with his mates.
Before clementine can even
find the balled up silk garter belt
he never even noticed she was wearing.
(audience laughs)
- Actually Joy the black rhino's mating process
is quite complex, it last three days!
(audience laughs) - Three days?
We're going to spend three days in a zoo?
- It's like Christmas!
(audience laughs)
(rhino bellows) (audience laughs hysterically)
Are you really gonna make Polish jokes
when I'm holding a gun?
(audience laughs)
- Look, I have an alarm guy coming in the morning.
We do not need any guns.
(gun shoots)
(window breaks) (women inside scream)
(man outside screams)
- My name is Owen, I'm looking for my birth mother.
Which one of you is Joy Scroggs?
- Her.
(audience laughs)
- I did it.
- What?
- I trusted you. You left your phone on the table,
and I didn't look at it.
I didn't check your texts, your emails,
I didn't even swab your glass for a future DNA test.
(audience laughs)
This is new for me,
I feel free.
- Joy, honey you have got to calm down.
- I can't, I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me
but he's also meeting his son and his grandson
for the first time.
I know it's silly of me to hope
but what if it all works out?
We could be a real family, maybe even a perfect family.
- Well no family is perfect.
- We'll be.
(audience laughs)
Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters.
People will look at us and say,
"Why can't we be happy like them?"
And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas
is replaced by envy in their hearts.
(audience laughs)
- Oh you look so beautiful.
Your eye patch matches your gown.
Your gown covers the wheels on your orthopedic boot.
And the superglue is holding perfectly on your dead tooth.
(audience chuckles) - I feel so glamorous.
(audience laughs)
And then I said, "Middleton, I thought you said Wimbledon."
(Joy and man laugh) (audience laughs)
- Reminds me of the time I was invited
to the duchess of- Oh.
- What? Do I have something on my tooth?
(audience laughs)
- No, quite the opposite actually.
Seems you have a tooth on your something.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me won't you.
(audience laughs)
(Joy screams) (audience laughs)
(crashing thud into wall) (audience laughs hysterically)