Man, I don't know, I moved away from New York.
It was too rough.
Like, I wasn't, I'm not tough.
That's what it is, for real.
I'm just not tough at all.
Like,
when I was little,
there was, like, a cool kid, uh, like, in, like, first grade,
who would, like, blow out his mechanical pencil lead,
you know?
And then, like, put it in his arm
and be like.... (groaning)
Like... like it was heroin, and...
(chuckles)
I was the, like, first grader who was like,
"That's how you get lead poisoning."
(chuckles)
So not tough at all.
Like, not... like, I learned
a lot about the world from the show
Like, that is, like,
how I learned a lot about life for real.
Like, I loved it.
I would watch it all the time.
I found out what the Internet was because of
Like, at the end of one episode, I was like,
"You've done it again,
Like, another masterpiece."
And after, like, all the credits, it was like,
"For more information, go to rugrats.com."
And I was like, "What?
"There's more information?!
Wait, I thought I knew everything!"
So I did some research,
which means just asking, like,
"What's a .com?"
And found out, and I asked my, I told my dad.
I was like, "Dad, Dad, we got to get the Internet."
And he was like, "Chill out, you have the Oregon Trail."
Like, that's-that's what he thought.
He's like, "You have a computer thing already.
You don't need two computer things."
'Cause he didn't know.
But, like, also... (chuckles)
the Oregon Trail, thinking about that,
that's just a game where they would give a five-year-old
way too much responsibility.
That's all it was.
Like, you'd just be five, and they're like,
"All right, move your family across America!
When are you gonna start? March or April?"
And you're like, "I'm confident we're gonna find some game.
We're gonna do March." You know, like,
"Uh-oh, baby Emily's got cholera.
What do you do?"
Like, "Well, we're gonna keep moving.
"She's just a baby, so...
never really got to know her."
(chuckles)
It's not my dad's fault
that we didn't have the Internet, though, for real.
It's not like, we just lived way out in the woods in Iowa.
We lived way out there to where it was, like,
the Internet was like... If somebody was like,
"Hey, Jim, do you have the Internet?"
He's like, "Like I'm the mayor of America, okay?!
Like I just have the Internet, sure!"
You know?
But he, like, wanted to get it for his family.
He's, like, a cool guy, worked in town,
had this car dealership, and they got it there one day.
And he, like, came home very excited to share the news
with his family.
Like, he, like, came home, like, real hot.
Like, "You guys! The Internet!
It came to town, baby!"
Like... "Who wants to see it?"
Me and my brothers were like, "We would love to see it.
We would love to."
So we all got in a car
and drove into town to look at the Internet
like (bleep) hillbillies.
Full-on
over country roads.
Just being like, "I wonder what the Innynet's gonna look like!"
Like... (chuckles)
And I always had to sit in the back in the middle,
'cause I had these two older brothers
who were, who were absolute nightmares.
Like, I really disliked, I hated them when I was little.
They're all right now, but, like, when I was little,
they were so mean.
I remember when I was five,
I was, like, made this promise of, like,
"As soon as I am as big as these men are,
"they will die.
"But for now, these hands are not strong enough.
"So we will settle
for placing our wiener into their mouthwash."
Um...
Which is a thing I did one time.
That's a thing you only ever do one time.
It burns so bad.
It's crazy, it's crazy.
It happened 23 years ago,
and I can tell you every event of that day.
That's what the pain was like.
I just remember being, like, five
and, like, going into their bathroom
and getting their Scope out and being like,
"They ain't gonna like this."
Uh, I put my wiener in it, and it didn't touch anything,
so I remember I had to, like,
press it against my skin and, like, lean back.
Like...
So it, like, cascaded down.
And the pain is immediate.
It doesn't need to soak.
Just right away, I was like,
"You've made a terrible mistake!
He knows not what he does!"
It's the first time I'd ever been hurt
but couldn't tell my mom about it.
You know what I mean?
Like, up until that point, there were no secrets.
This was the first secret I ever had.
But, like, after it happened, I was like,
"We're gonna go down with this one, baby." Like...
I just knew I couldn't.
Like, anything else, I could go
up to my mom and be like, "Mom, I jumped off the roof.
I broke my back."
She'd be like, "Well, don't do that."
But I knew for this I couldn't be like,
"Mom, I put my wiener in mouthwash!"
"Why?" "'Cause I hate your children.
Because you did a nightmare job, to be honest."
(chuckles)
But they deserved it, man. They suck.
Like, my brothers are why I'm, like, insecure
and I don't trust anyone.
'Cause they just lied to me my entire life.
That's all they did. Like, to get me to do anything
when I was little,
it was very easy. It was very...
All you had to do was, uh, was time me.
That was it, just put a stop clock on it,
and I'm yours. Like, that was it.
Like, I wanted to be in the Olympics,
so I was like, "I'll time everything."
You know? Like, like, I'd be watching TV,
and they'd be like,
"Hey, go get me a soda."
I'm like, "No, I'm watching TV."
And they're like, "I'll time it."
I'm like, "Okay, all right, all right.
Here we come, Barcelona. Hit it."
And I'd just be like... like...
"Do you want ice in the soda?!"
They'd be like, "What?"
I was like, "There's no time!"
I'd just bring it back downstairs.
"There it is.
"What was my time?
"I feel like I'm growing into my body.
(sniffs)
What was my time?"
And every time for probably, like, over 1,000 times,
they would just look at their watch and go,
"It just says you're gay, man."
(chuckles) I'd be like,
"Okay, well, that's mean of you to say to me,
"but if I was, that's totally acceptable and fine,
"but-but I'm not,
"and how would a watch know that, to be honest?
"Uh, that's not how watches work.
"Look, very funny joke.
"I bet you actually timed it, though,
"so I would love to know the actual time.
Keeping a record, uh..."
And they'd be like, "I'm sorry, buddy.
Thanks for the soda. Oh, still gay."
I'd be like, "All right, that's on me, for sure.
Um, the second one's my fault, yeah."
So (bleep), right?
They deserved a wiener in their mouthwash.
It's not like anybody won.
There's a bunch of losers in that story.
(chuckles)
So we're in the car going to look at the Internet.
(chuckles) And we get there,
and my dad shows us a computer,
and he just goes, "Ask it!"
That's all he said.
Like, "What?"
He's... "Ask it!
Anything, ask it."
And my brother had the best first Internet move of all time.
He was, like, 15, and he just stepped forward
and he goes, "Look up the lyrics to 'Stairway to Heaven.'"
(chuckles)
And I was like, "Oh! Led Zeppelin.
"Very cool, Brad.
"Very rock and roll.
"All right. I like it.
All right!"
And my other brother was, like, 12,
and he was like, "Brett, what would you like to see?"
And Brett would just step forward, and he's like,
"See how many home runs Bo Jackson hit."
And I was like, "Ooh, baseball.
"Nice, Brett, I like it, yeah.
You like sports, I forgot about that."
Uh, and my dad was like, "Brooks, what would you like?"
"Go to rugrats.com!
"Right now!
Please!"