Today, we're going to talk to you about what to do when your ex says there's no chance
of getting back together.
But first, my name is Clay and I'm with Modern Love.life.
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Okay, so when your ex says that you don't have a chance, we need to get into understanding
what's happening on an emotional level between the two of you.
So first of all, it could be that you're directly asking them, "Hey, are we going to get back
together?
Do we have a chance of getting back together?"
In which case, I don't want you to do that anymore.
Stop doing that, for now anyway.
We're going to get into why in a little bit.
If they're just bringing it up on their own, it's because they can sense that you probably
want to get back together.
If the two of you are spending time together or meeting up or talking or whatever, and
they're telling you without you asking them directly, and they're telling you we don't
have a chance of getting back together, then there's something going on there as well too.
And what's going on in this situation is that we have a way of being that you're having
in this situation that is causing them to believe that you are relationship-focused.
Now if you are relationship-focused, then this will make a lot of sense.
If you're not approaching the situation as being relationship-focused, then we're going
to have to take a look at specifically certain things that you might be doing or saying or
that could be giving your ex that impression.
So what I mean by relationship-focused is that you are interacting with your ex with
the intended outcome of trying to get back together into a relationship with them.
And you might be thinking, okay, well, yeah, of course I want to get back together with
my ex.
Of course, I want to get into a relationship with them.
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
How are people supposed to work things out?
And the thing with all of this is that if you prioritize the outcome of getting back
into a relationship above understanding your ex, connecting with them on an emotional level,
understanding how they're feeling, meeting them where they're at emotionally and all
of these sorts of things, your ex is going to think that you care less about them, less
about how they feel, less about what their concerns are than you do about just ticking
the box of getting back into a relationship.
And this is not a good place to be.
Now, why is that?
It's because your ex is under the impression, rightly deserved or wrongly deserved, that
you just want to get into a relationship with them for whatever.
But it's your own agenda.
Maybe it's so that you can feel better, because maybe the breakup is hitting you in a really
hard way.
Maybe it's because you just want to tick the box of being in a relationship so that your
parents or your grandparents or whatever will stop pestering you about, when you're going
to settle down?
When are you going to get married, and all of that.
Maybe it's, whatever it might be.
But if your ex believes that you have a hidden agenda of getting back into a relationship
with them that comes above understanding them, meeting them where they're at emotionally,
and actually addressing their concerns, that is when your ex is going to pull away and
pull away hard.
Because we don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't value our opinions.
We don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't take the time to understand
us.
We don't want to be in a relationship with somebody where we get the sense that we're
just a warm body that's filling the role of a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a whatever,
a spouse.
And it doesn't really matter who it is.
We just happen to be the person that's there at the right place and the right time.
That's not something that feels good.
We want to be in a relationship with somebody because there's something special between
the two of us.
We want to be in relationships with people because there's some sort of connection, because
it's not just something that you can have with the next warm body who happens to say,
"Yeah, let's be in a relationship together."
So if being relationship-focused isn't going to get you where you want to go, what is going
to help you when your ex tells you there's no chance between the two of us?
Okay.
So instead of being relationship-focused, what I want you to do is I want you to be
connection-focused.
What this means is that we're not so focused on where this is leading?
What is this going to look like?
Is there going to be some sort of commitment?
Are we going to get back together?
Are we going to get married?
Are we going to do all of these other things together?
What we want to do is we want to focus on what's happening in the here and now between
us and our ex, and this means letting go of where things are going to lead in the future.
Now, if you think about how you and your ex first got together, this is probably how it
went.
Now most people when they start dating, they meet somebody who, sure that person is attractive.
Sure, that's great, but you know, attraction alone is not going to get you into a relationship.
What you need is to actually have some sort of connection, some sort of shared value,
some sort of shared experiences, if I can get my words out straight here ... that let
the two of you know that, Hey, sure this is an attractive person, but beyond that, are
there other things happening that are going to make us want to spend time together?
Make us want to commit together?
Make us want to actually share more experiences together?
And this is where building a strong emotional connection comes into play really, really,
really well.
So again, we're letting go of this idea, this belief, this thought that, okay, we need to
get back together with our ex at all costs, because it's going to make us feel better,
because maybe we're in damage control mode from a breakup.
Maybe we just feel bad.
Maybe we didn't want the breakup to begin with.
Maybe we're having a hard time with rejection or anything like that.
And we want to get into a place where we can prioritize the emotional connection.
And what's going to happen is actually as the emotional connection between you and your
ex starts to strengthen as the two of you start to let go of this ultimate outcome of
where are things going, and you're actually able to just enjoy interacting with one another.
Enjoy sharing moments with one another.
Enjoy talking to one another.
Enjoy laughing.
Enjoy staying up till midnight just talking about all the random things that the two of
you might be able to talk about together and just connect.
What that's going to do is it's going to form a stronger emotional foundation between the
two of you.
And what's going to happen is that as that emotional foundation strengthens, it's going
to give your ex a reason to want to continue to interact with you.
A reason to pursue a stronger connection, a reason to spend more time with you.
And what's going to happen is as that emotional foundation continues to get stronger and stronger
and stronger and stronger over several interactions, your ex is naturally going to start thinking,
maybe we should get back together.
Maybe I was wrong to leave you in the first place.
Maybe there is some sort of future for us together.
And this is where things start to flip between you and your ex.
And how do we get there?
How do we build up that emotional connection?
Okay, so this is where the advanced relational skills that we've talked about on many of
our previous videos really come into play big time.
Now if you are unfamiliar with these, feel free to check out the playlist up there that
I'm going to link to about advanced relational skills.
I'll also put information for it down in the description box and down in the comment section
below.
But these advanced relational skills are going to allow you and your ex to connect in a deeper
way.
Okay?
So that is important, but what does it you actually say when your ex says there's no
chance between us.
Okay.
How do you actually make that shift from relationship-focused to connection-focused?
And the way that you do that is you sometimes, I mean, sure, how you bring yourself to the
interaction is definitely important.
And we can talk about that if there ever comes a point where we work together or something
like that.
But what you want to do sometimes is also just let your ex know by broadcasting overtly
to them that this is not going to be a relationship-focused dynamic.
This is not about me trying to force some sort of agenda and I don't care about how
you feel.
I don't care about what's going on with you.
I don't care about what your emotional state is.
I just want you to tick the box of being in a relationship for my own needs, and your
needs come secondary to that.
This is not that.
You need to show them that you're shifting away from that.
And the way that you do that is you tell them, "Hey, I'm not trying to force anything that's
not there between the two of us.
In fact, I just enjoy spending time with you and I'm hoping that we can be friends for
the time being."
And what this does is it addresses your ex's primary concern and causes them to shift down
to that connection focus.
And of course, I know probably some of you are like, "Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa,
Whoa, Whoa.
You just put yourself in the friend zone there."
And we've talked about this before.
Again, I'll go ahead and put another video link to the whole friend zone thing up there
if that's something that you're concerned about.
Basically, you don't need to be concerned about it, but we'll talk about that at another
point in time.
So anyway, I hope this has helped answer that question for you of what to do when your ex
says there's no chance.
And once again, if you like what we're doing here, please feel free to subscribe to this
channel, hit that thumbs up button, and leave a comment down below letting me know what
you think.
Anyway, this has been Clay.
I'll talk to you next time.
Take care.