[terrifying garbled noises]
"The Strangers" is terrible, and it's not even funny. I don't even wanna review this movie.
I mentioned it once in one of my other reviews, so I guess I have too.
You guys are fucking annoying. (I love you) Maybe I could have been working on a different review.
After all, I still need to review thi- [more garbled noises]
[movie announcer voice] What you are about to see is inspired by true events.
[YMS] There is your first problem. What do you even mean by "inspired by true events"?
What so two people were found dead somewhere? That happens all the time.
[movie announcer voice] The brutal events that took place there
are still not entirely known.
[YMS] Spoiler alert: They die at the end. But they just find the bodies, so there's noone to actually tell the story of
what happened.
In other words, this entire movie was made up, none of this is true. It's just bullshit
[Liv Tyler] That was almost too real because it said a real real movie
and I remember that putting me over the edge like there is something to real about that
[YMS] Fuck your selling points. So there's this couple and
they're really sad and it's implied that he tried to propose to her, but instead
she said
NO GOD NO GOD PLEASE NO NO NO... NOOOO-
(?)
Now I won't get my dick wet. I prepared this secluded location and everything, where
noone can hear you scream.
Oh my god that water is disgusting, but she's gonna take a bath in it anyway.
The worst part about this movie is that nothing happens the entire time.
They purposely don't develop any other characters but it's intentional,
so that's art. If you're gonna have a movie with extremely underdeveloped characters
then don't try to make it emotional.
How am I supposed to feel bad for anything that's happening when we don't even understand the
weight of the circumstance? For all I know they can just be bummed out because she
had diarrhea while they were doing anal.
They gulp down some liquid confidence and things start getting a little hot
heavy when suddenly-
[shower guy] Oh my god, there's a bang at the door
[James] What is it, like 4 in the morning? [YMS] Yeah, show the clock. Couldn't have just left it at the sentence
or maybe even established it earlier. Now this part is extra scary
cause it's really late at night. [dark female figure] Is Tamera here?
[James] No, you've got the wrong house. [dark female figure] See you later.
[YMS] OooOoooOooh Foreshadowing.
So this bitch runs out of smokes and he's like "I'm so nice I will get you some".
Or maybe he just wants her to die quicker. Either way it shows that they're not
stuck there.
They both came to this place even though they clearly weren't in the right mood.
He didn't drop her off at her house after that thing or what. "Now we won't enjoy ourselves, but
let's just do it anyway". So he leaves and she does jack shit.
"Might as well try on the ring he gave me, I like jewellery."
This entire time she's listening to Joanna Newsom on vinyl.
Oh I know why she doesn't wanna marry him, it's because she's a hipster
lesbian
[BANG] [shower guy] Oh my god, there's a bang at the door.
[woman's voice] Is Tamera home?
[Kristen] You already came by here [woman's voice] Are you sure?
[YMS] Oh man, that sure was eerie.
Then smoke starts coming out of her fireplace. Wouldn't it be obvious that something was
blocking it from the top
considering the fire has been going for a while and it hasn't filled the house with smoke
already?
"I'll just open the chute and try to go for the fire alarm"
[BANG] [shower guy] Oh my god, there's a bang at the door.
[YMS] I guess the fire fucking fixed itself. She gets scared and calls him and has the most
under acted concern in the world. [Kristen] That girl came back
[YMS] Hey you still have a smoke left you cunt! "Oh man, the land line's not working and
my cell phone is still charging."
This is exactly why the "Oh my cell phone isn't working" cliche exists in horror movies.
Ever since cell phones were invented
people weren't in any real danger.
[Various people upset about their phones not working]
"Call 911!" "Come on, come on, GOD DAMN IT.
FUCK
[Bryan Bertino] To me was really important
to strip away what I kinda feel
are some of the` genre cliches that have
kinda built up. I mean I think horror goes in cycles, and horror goes in waves and
and soon all the films look the same
and all the vibes the same. [YMS] "Yeah, I'll just stand in my kitchen. Oh man, there's a dude in a mask.
How'd he get there? Too bad I don't notice".
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the entire fucking movie. "Now I'm here,
now I'm not". They totally moved when it was off-camera
where they go? That's so scary. "I'm just gonna make noises around your house, and make
it really obvious that if I wanted to kill you,
I have the upper hand, but I'm not gonna do jack shit about this cuz I'm just
gonna troll you this entire time".
[BANG] [shower guy] Oh my god there's a bang at the door. [YMS] Do you get it? It's repetative, so I'm being repetative haaaa
Aand jump scare.
Well that's not a horror cliche. [BANG BANG] [shower guy] Oh my god, there's a bang at the door.
[YMS] Wait a minute, that's totally Gillian Welch vinyl that's getting right now
She is a lesbian hipster. This looks less like a scared face a more like a pouty
face
"Oh it's just you." She's all like there's somebody in the house, and he's like "chill, I got
this."
They look around and find her cell phone in the fire. The director then continues
to scare the masses by showing someone just standing and not doing
fucking anything. [James] Shit, I left my phone in the car I'm gonna go get it. [Kristen] You can't go out there.
[James] Why? [Kristen] One of them came in here and took my phone. [James] Kristen, nobody came in here.
[YMS] OH MAN, they disappeared when they weren't looking that means they could be
anywhere. Seriously what do you mean when you say no one came in here?
Why are you so certain? Did you not see the cell phone in the fireplace?
I mean you're going to get them back up phone right? So you must know that
that the fuc- what the hell? so he goes to the car to get the phone and oh my god another thing
happened
off camera [yawning] I'm yawning
thinking of this fucking boring movie. He looks around for his phone and oh my god.
Jump scare, and they're suddenly gone, wow
two cliches in one. Who the fuck did that?
No please this is torture, not only are they not moving, but they're not
saying anything either. Noooo
I should have kept my eyes on you
the whole time. By the way the forces they're dealing with here
are not supernatural. This means that as soon as the camera isn't looking they're
actually running to find a spot to hide.
"Ooooh they'll never see us this way". Aaand jump scare.
Wow you're really breaking the rules of conventional horror with this movie.
[Kristen] I told you they took my phone. James it's not in the bag, I plugged it into the wall
and when I came back it was gone. [James] I don't understand, I checked the whole house.
[YMS] What? Neither them saw the phone then? So even though you had a shot on them
walking into a room and looking
at the fireplace with the phone and it, they just didn't see it?
Yeah they didn't really react to it, but look how calmly they react to the next
phone being destroyed.
[Kristen] What is it? [James] My phone... We gotta get out of here.
[YMS] They try to leave when I guess these guys really do mean business.
Kind of. I mean like they're surrounding the car so if they wanted them dead, they could
probably just kill them already. You know, stab them as they're getting out the doors,
but no, they just wanna fuck with them and destroy their property. So why am I supposed
to be scared?
[bald guy] Scariest movie I've ever seen! I was wreck after this movie.
I got to my car, I couldn't drive.
I called my friend Bonnie in Toronto and I said I don't think I can drive.
then I called my friend
Isabel in Montreal. Clearly I have to call people out of the country because I'm too
embarrassed to tell everybody how scary this movie is. [Scott] Are you Canadian?
[YMS] The characters decide they're better off if they grab a gun.
[James] How do you use this thing? [Kristen] What do you mean? [Jmaes] I'm not sure I even know how to load it.
[Kristen] You said you used to hunt with your dad. [James] No, I never did. That was just something I said.
[YMS] Whatta dick. [James] Open the door, and I just want you to run, okay?
[YMS] Oh no, they're trying to get inside. we gotta barricade the door because
obviously if the door that they'd get through
if they wanted to, not like they've been in the house even though that door was locked before.
they decide the best course of action is to sit the closet with a gun pointed outward
and just shoot whatever
the fuck comes by which is actually one of the more rational plans I've seen
in a horror movie.
It would have been a good plan too, except their random friend we've never seen
before shows up. As per usual this
dude's creepin' in the background pretending like he's gonna do something
maybe but not really.
If the characters don't even see them, then who are they trolling?
Well fuck. And then they play it off all emotional, like we're supposed to care if
some "Randy" just died.
Oh, so did they plan this out like they're fucking psychics, or did they just run over there really
fast when they heard the gunshot
got some lipstick and are just giggling like "hehehe wait until he sees this".
He decides that hiding in the closet isn't the best way to live.
Maybe he's expecting more people to just show up like that. He runs into the woods with
the gun by myself. Then he gets trolled outta nowhere.
So now she's by herself and I guess the sequence of events are boring her as
much as it's boring me, because she impulsively decides to make a run for it.
How'd that work out for yah?
So now she's crawling and she doesn't even notice behind her oh my God look out!
What the fuck? What was the point of walking behind her like that?
Were you trying to troll her? Cuz she didn't even see you, you left before she saw you.
It's stupid scares like these that take all the realism away.
[Bryan Bertino] To me it was about trying to ground the movie as much as possible so that the
audience would believe that world.
[Liv Tyler] It was very real, and when they first screened the movie,
the producer called me and he said "we just did our first test screen
and the audience thought it was a snuff film
and had gotten so pissed off". [Scott Speedman] It was too much for a lot of people.
[YMS] She only showed up to troll the audience. Nothing makes any sense. how do you even write that? [Interviewer] it's pretty terrifying
I mean what made you wanna make it? [Scott] It's just a good script, really, I mean
[Liv] I've actually like 3 or 4 friends
who are actors who read the script
who's come up to me and say "I cannot go to my house in the country anymore because
every time I do I think of that script or that I still can't get it out of my head.
[Scott] Yeah, you read a lot of scripts and not all of them are all that good, and this one was
really original, and really good so it just made me want to be in it [YMS] I don't understand how people were scared by this
at all. All I can hear is "this is a movie, this is a movie, this is a movie".
She gets trolled hardcore and decides to go back to the house.
She hides in the closet, but she's clearly dealing with the omniscient beings
cuz they go WAAAAH.
She runs around more and then suddenly
DETROIT, BITCH. Whelp, this is basically the end of the movie, I hope you're satisfied.
Are we supposed to feel any emotions for these characters at this point? I know it was
intentional but we don't know anything about them.
[interview] Can you describe the relationship between Kristen and James?
[Scott] I kinda think, well I mean, I think about it and you know they've been together a long time and
maybe since high school. They're sort of at that turning point whether they're going to, you know,
get married and stay together or break up. So is that what you mean?
I don't really know a lot about relationships [Liv] But I was just riveted by
not not by the fact that it was a scary movie but but more by
how rare and detailed the relationship was between the couple
and it reminded me of uhh more of a kind of
European film in a lot of ways.
[YMS] They take off their masks and the movie turns a complete 180 meaning that the
characters see something that we don't this time.
"Okay now we're gonna stab you". This has to be the most inefficient murder in the
world. [maskless bitch] It will be easier next time.
[YMS] What the hell? you were trolling them the entire time how was it difficult for you
at all? You were doing
everything. You didn't chase them around because you had to, you did it because it was fun.
You could have killed them in the fucking beginning of the fucking movie if you wanted to.
Half the shit you did in the movie served no purpose whatsoever anyway.
Some lifeless Jahovas Witness kids show up and find the bodies and
just because the director wants to avoid horror movie cliches
[Zombie bitch] SCREAMS
[Half-man] Clearly
I can't recommend this movie unless you wanna die
you know you'd have a heart attack [Lifeless actors] You're not gonna die
[Half-man] I had a good time, but I
don't ever want to revisit it again. [YMS] If there's one thing I could use to describe this movie
it's a broken record. Once you've seen the first 20 minutes, you know exactly what's gonna happen the
entire time
because nothing changes. And you guessed it, there will be a sequel. [Liv] I mean it definitely umm...
brings to forward a lot of
kinds of emotions. Of, you know our time on this earth is short you know.
*God damn, writing subtitles takes forever*