A BRILLIANT STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND CO-HOST OF THE NEW PODCAST,
"SLOBS." WE'RE HONORED SHE'S MAKING
HER NETWORK TV DEBUT HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
PLEASE WELCOME, THE HILARIOUS, LARA BITES.
>> ALL RIGHT. FEELING GOOD, I LOST 40 POUND
THIS PAST YEAR. (APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU, GOT THIS NEW CLAR BONE OUT OF THE DEAL WHO IS
THIS, WHO IS THAT, AND IT HAS BEEN SIMPLE.
I EAT ALL MY FAVORITE FOODS, 0 PERCENT OF THE TIME.
THAT'S MY SECRET. I'M MISERABLE.
I MISS MY FOOD, I MICE RIBS. RIBS ARE SO GOOD.
WE WERE EATING RIBS WITH MY NEPHEW, HALFWAY THROUGH THE
MEAL, MY NEPHEW WAS LIKE, IS THIS FROM A PERSON?
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S HOW GOOD RIBS ARE.
HE THOUGHT IT WAS FROM A PERSON. AND HE STILL ATE IT.
HE WAS LIKE NO, I'M NOT COMPLAINING, I WANT SECONDS FOR
SURE. I JUST, I AM GOING TO WANT TO
KNOW WHO THIS IS AT SOME POINT. I MISS FRIES NOW, IF I GUESS TO
PICK BETWEEN FRIES AND A FRUITpI DON'T WANT THAT.
IT'S ALWAYS ALL CANTELOUPE, THAT IS THE DEVIL'S PUMPKIN, IS I
HAVE NO INTEREST IN THAT. DISGUSTING.
BUT I'M FEELING GOOD. I POSTED A BEFORE AND AFTER
PICTURE OF MYSELF ON INSTAGRAM. A BUNCH OF MEN LEFT ME DIET
ADVICE IN THE COMMENTS. I ALREADY LOST THE WEIGHT!
WHERE WERE YOU HO POUNDS AGO. AND IT IS USELESS ADVICE ANYWAY
BECAUSE IT IS STUFF THAT WORKS FOR MEN.
WHICH I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, YOU BURN WAY MORE CALORIES
THAN WE DO. YOU GUYS BURN 2000 CALORIES A
DAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GET FAT IN
THE FIRST PLACE. (LAUGHTER)
IF I WORK OUT I BURN 100 CALORIES THAT ENTIRE DAY.
THAT IS LIKE A HANDFUL OF ALMONDS, IT'S NOTHING.
AND I GOT GUYS IN MY COMMENTS BEING LIKE YOU GOT TO DO THE
KETO DIET. THAT'S ITS BEST ONE.
OH, YOU MEAN THE BACON AND BUTTER DIET?
YOU DON'T THINK THAT WAS MY FIRST STOP, JACK ASS?
(APPLAUSE) YOU DON'T THINK BEFORE I CUT OUT
FLOUR AND SUGAR I MAYBE TRIED THE DIET WHERE YOU CAN EAT A
BLOCK OF CHEESE OUT OF YOUR HAND?
DISOO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WEIGHTS I LOST WHEN I DID THE KETO DIET?
NEGATIVE 15 POUNDS. BUT I'M FEELING CONFIDENT.
I'M WEARING WHATEVER I WANT. YOU SHOULD SEE ME OUT THERE.
I'M WEARING-- HATS. I'M SITTING IN SMALL SPACES NOW,
SO ANYONE HAS A SMALL SPACE NEEDS SITTING IN, I'M YOUR GUY,
OH NO THE ELEVATOR IS CLOSING, TOO BAD, I FIT.
(APPLAUSE) GUYS ARE BEING WAY NICER TO ME
NOW WHICH MAKES ME HATE THEM SO MUCH MORE.
GUYS WHO KNEW ME BEFORE AND TREATED ME LIKE CRAP ARE HAVING
THE AUDACITIES NOW TO HIT ME UP AND TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL.
I'VE BEEN BEAUTIFUL THIS WHOLE TIME.
YOU'RE UGLY AS HELL! GNAW, BUT MI TRYING TO TALK TO
THEM THOUGH. TRYING TO CATCH MYSELF A LITTLE
SOMETHING. CUZ IT WAS A DRY YEAR FOR OLD BESSIE.
I WENT ON A DATE WITH A GUY AND ALL HE ORDERED WAS ONE EGG.
WHICH ALREADY I SEEN ALL I NEED TO SEE AT THAT POINT.
WE CAN END THE DATE NOW, I'LL PAY THE CHECK, HERE'S A DOLLAR.
HE CUT AROUND THE YOLK AND HE ATE THE WHITE PART THEN HE
BALANCED THE YOLK ON HIS FORK AND SLID IT DOWN HIS THROAT,
WHOLE. AND I SAID TO HIM WORD FOR WORD
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. AND HE SAID TO ME, HAVE I TO EAT
IT THAT WAY OTHERWISE IT'S TOO MESSY.
THERE'S NO WAY THAT GUY RULES IN BED.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
RIGHT, THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO ENUP GOING TO MY FRIENDS AND
BEING LIKE YOU KNOW WHO ACTUALLY ROCKS IN THE SACK, IS THAT FREAK
WHO SWALLOWED THE EGG LIKE A SNAKE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS, I HAVE HAD A LOT OF FUN.
(APPLAUSE) LARA BITES, EVERYBODY.
THAT WAS AMAZING, WELL DONE, THAT WAS FANTASTIC.
HER NEW PODCAST IS, "SLOBS!" IS OUT NOW.
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY.