WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU.
VERY NICE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, IT'S FROM.
YOU CAN FEEL THE FRIDAY IN THE ROOM, CAN'T YOU?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT?
EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD WEEK?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, THEN, NONE OF YOU ARE
DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT'S HAD A BIT OF A ROUGH
PATCH.
HE'S BEEN RIDDEN HARD AND PUT AWAY WET, I BELIEVE IS THE
SAYING.
AND NOW THERE'S NEW NEWS ABOUT HIS FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISER, MICHAEL FLYNN.
REMEMBER THAT GUY.
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER, WHITE GUY, BROWN HAIR, ABOUT YAY IN
BED WITH RUSSIA, THIS MUCH, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT MORE.
FLYNN-- HERE'S WANT NEW NEWS, HERE'S THE NEW NEWS ABOUT FLYNN.
FLYNN RESIGNED BECAUSE HE DISCUSSED LIFTING SANCTIONS WITH
THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR.
WELL, FUNNY STORY.
HE LIED ABOUT IT TO THE F.B.I.
AND, FOLKS, THAT IS BOTH A NO-NO, AND A CLIRVEG-CLINK.
WHAT.
I WAS GOING TO TAKE A MULLIGAN.
YOU DON'T GET ONE FREE TREASON.
IT TURNS OUT LYING TO THE F.B.I.
IS A FELONY.
FLYNN'S SILVER LINING: ANY DECISION TO PROSECUTE WOULD FALL
TO TRUMP'S JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.
WOW.
THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS THE WEIRDEST MEET-AND-GREETS:
"JEFF SESSIONS, THIS IS MIKE DON'T GET USED TO HIM.
MIKE, THIS IS JEFF SESSIONS.
JEFF, YOU'LL BE PROSECUTING MIKE, HERE.
MIKE, YOU CAN GO."
BUT TOMORROW DONALD TRUMP IS ADDRESSING HIS PROBLEMS IN
WASHINGTON BY HOLDING A RALLY IN FLORIDA.
AND WHEN YOU THINK DESTINATIONS IN FLORIDA, YOU KNOW IT'S GOT TO
BE THE HAPPIEST PALCE ON EARTH: THE ORLANDO-MELBOURNE
INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT!
YES, "INTERNATIONAL," VERY IMPORTANT.
BECAUSE IF THE RALLY DOESN'T FIX EVERYTHING, HE CAN JUST JUMP ON
A PLANE TO RUSSIA AND HE'S COOL.
NOW, IF THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CAMPAIGN RALLY, THAT'S BECAUSE
SEAN SPICER SAID ON WEDNESDAY THE EVENT IS "A CAMPAIGN RALLY."
IS IT ELECTION TIME ALREADY?
>> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: AGAIN?
I KNOW IT DOES FEEL LIKE HE'S BEEN IN OFFICE FOR FOUR YEARS,
BUT IT DOES SEEM FAST.
HERE'S WHY TRUMP'S DOING IT: TRUMP CAN'T ENJOY BEING
PRESIDENT BECAUSE THE BUZZKILLS IN OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES
KEEP LEAKING THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN MIGHT BE THE REAL PRESIDENT.
SO TO CLEAN UP THESE LEAKS, HE'S BRINGING IN A NEW YORK
BILLIONAIRE TO LEAD A BROAD REVIEW OF AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES.
THAT IS SURPRISING, THAT THERE'S A BILLIONAIRE WHO WASN'T ALREADY
IN TRUMP'S CABINET.
FOLKS, IT'S NOT JUST ANY BILLIONAIRE.
THE GUY ON THE CASE IS STEPHEN FEINBERG, FOUNDER OF
CERBERUS CAPITAL MANAGEMENT.
THAT'S RIGHT, CERBERUS.
"HEY, EVERYONE, WE'VE GOT SOME IMAGE PROBLEMS.
I KNOW-- GET ME THE GUY WHO NAMED HIS COMPANY FOR THE
THREE-HEADED DEMON DOG THAT GUARDS HELL."
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOOD.
WE'RE GOOD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANYWAY, CONGRATS ON THE NEW JOB
STEPHEN FEINBERG, AND HAVE FUN WORKING WITH OTHER TRUMP
APPOINTEES LIKE STEVE MNUCHIN, STEVE BANNON, AND STEVE MILLER.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN'S BOOK ABOUT THE
ADMINISTRATION "TEAM OF STEVES."
LOUVRE LAUGH NOW, I DON'T THINK I'M TELLING ANY SECRETS HERE
WHEN I SAY MY NAME IS STEPHEN.
AND WITH SO MANY OF THEM IN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, THIS IS A
TOUGH TIME FOR THE STEPHEN COMMUNITY.
SO TONIGHT, I STAND UP FOR STEVES, BECAUSE WE STEVES ARE
YOUR NEIGHBORS, WE'RE YOUR MAILMEN,
WE ARE YOUR BROTHERS-IN-LAW-- SERIOUSLY, A LOT OF
BROTHERS-IN-LAW ARE NAMED STEVE, IT'S WEIRD.
STEVES ARE HONEST, HARD-WORKING, SALT-OF-THE-EARTH FOLKS.
WE'RE NOT JUST A POOR MAN'S GREG.
WE'RE STEVES, AND WE'RE PROUD.
YES, WE MIGHT REPRESENT THE LESSER BALDWINS, BUT WHAT WOULD
CROSBY, STILLS, AND NASH BE WITHOUT STEPHEN STILLS?
CROSBY AND NASH?
STILL PRETTY GOOD FOLK ROCK WITH TIGHT HARMONIES, BUT MISSING
THAT "JE NE SAIS STEVE."
WHEN YOU WANT TO READ A BOOK ABOUT A DEMON CLOWN WHO KILLS
NEW ENGLAND CHILDREN, DO YOU PICK UP A BOOK BY BERNIE KING?
NO, YOU GO TO STEPHEN KING EVERY TIME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STEPHENS INVENTED THE STONE-COLD
STUNNER.
STEPHENS WROTE "A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME."
ANY STEVES IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT?
NOT MANY!
OKAY!
STAND UP AND BE COUNTED ANYWAY!
OKAY, NOW SIT DOWN.
NOBODY LIKES A COCKY STEVE.