It is now May, and I find it hard to believe how fast the time has flown.
Days, months and even years seem to be flying by at an incredible speed,
and I wish I had the power to reach out and grab them with my hands,
and hold on to them, squeezing tightly and not letting go
of these wonderful, sweet spring moments.
My husband reminded me of a movie we went to see at the cinema,
Interstellar, for those wondering,
adding - can you imagine it was whole 8 years ago?
And no, I could not.
I remember the cinema, which had just opened its door recently at that time,
our new plush red seats, discussions afterwards -
all as if it was just yesterday.
So much has changed since then, but the memories remain vivid and full of colour.
It’s the bright, emotional moments I remember the most.
The moments of presence,
the times where I was absorbed fully in the experience.
They stay imprinted in my mind like pictures.
Which is why to this day, and hopefully forever,
I focus on watching each day as it goes by with my eyes fully opened to the experience.
Not just the days filled with achievement,
or big moments you want to shout about.
But the smells, the sights and the feeling of life unfolding before me.
The road, the journey to that place I desire to reach one day.
These memories are treasures I intend to keep for as long as my mind allows me.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my routine and habits,
my mental health, and especially the patterns which I’ve developed over the years.
I like to think of myself as somewhat a self-aware person,
and most often than not that makes me painfully aware of own shortcomings.
Generally, whenever I’m trying to do something new,
introduce a new activity into my life which could be beneficial in some way,
my mind meets it with the strongest resistance.
Making these videos and taking photos is the thing I enjoy a lot
and have a very particular vision for,
hence why sometimes I like to wake up at sunrise
in order to create the eerie atmosphere I usually seek for my art.
The long morning walks I have to take as an addition to that,
help me keep my mental health in check.
I would like to make it a habit, but I struggle immensely to stay consistent.
Each time I go to sleep intending to get up early,
a flood of thoughts comes into my brain, finding many reasons why I shouldn’t.
It takes me a long time to develop a new habit to the point it becomes a second nature,
as for some reason my brain always find the way to talk me out of it.
I come up with many reasons why not do it,
ranging from sore eyes to doubting my own creativity.
I’m not artistic enough, I’m not good enough, my videos don’t even get that many views -
why should I even attempt to create them?
It’s a bit ridiculous, really, because even though I love what I do,
whenever it comes to creating a new habit or breaking an old bad one,
my mind seeks a comfort of the known and by the method of anxious overthinking
pulls me back into the shelter of my safe, very familiar bubble.
I would love to know if you experience the same, because
I guess I would like to feel not that lonely in this issue of mine,
so please, do share.
Same with many other things in life.
It’s been a pattern for as long as I remember -
although I love change, there are certain things and comforts which I like to stick to,
not necessarily good ones.
Through that nagging fear, through self doubt and anxieties,
I have to move forward and remind myself about reasons why I do what I do.
Through the ocean of doubt and thoughts which find every reason why not,
I seek out and hold on to the tiny voice of excitement, the reasons why YES.
Why I signed up for this endeavor in the first place.
And it's really just love.
It's holding on to that love which keeps me going.
Until the old doubts get replaced with the new memories
It’s not easy, but I’ll keep trying.
And I must add, oh how much a crisp and eerie morning walk can do
to one’s mental and physical wellbeing.