WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE ARE LIVE AFTER NIGHT ONE OF THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATES, THIS IS
THE SECOND ROUND OF DEBATES, SOE DEBATE NIGHT: 2 MANY CANDIDATES
CNN'S DEBATE WAS BROADCAST FROM DETROIT'S FOX THEATER.
YOU KNOW THEIR SLOGAN: WHEN YOU THINK CNN, THINK FOX.
(LAUGHTER) O THE DEBATES WERE MODERATED BY
JAKE TAPPER, DANA BASH, AND DON LEMON, OR AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY
THEIR CELEBRITY THRUPLE NAME, W "LEMASH-ERBAPPER."
( LAUGHTER )
THEY WOULD MAKE A LOVELY THRUPLE.
"LEMASH-ERBAPPER."
IT'S HARD TO SUM UP WHAT YOU WANT TONIGHT,
BUT MOST OF TONIGHT WAS A BUNCH OF GUYS WITH NO CHANCE TO WIN
THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION YELLING REPUBLICAN TALKING
POINTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO CAN.
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THE SEVEN DWARVES ALL OFFERING SNOW WHITE
A POISON APPLE.
THE DEBATE BEGAN WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM, AND EVERYONE
PASSED THE TEST BY HOLDING THEIR HANDS ON THEIR HEARTS,
EXCEPT TIM RYAN UNLESS HE KEEPS HIS HEART IN HIS SCROTUM.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS )
THERE.
NOT SURE WHERE HE KEEPS THE BRAIN, EITHER.
OPENING STATEMENTS STARTED WITH LONGSHOTS LIKE SELF-HELP GURU
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON.
>> AN AMORAL ECONOMIC SYSTEM HAS TURNED SHORT-TERM PROFITS FOR E
HUGE MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS INTO A FALSE GOD. S
>> Stephen: (AS WILLIAMSON) "AS OPPOSED TO THE REAL GOD,
SHIVLANI, GODDESS OF LIGHT, AMETHYSTS AND ESSENTIAL
OILS."
( LAUGHTER )
FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER LAID OUT THE STAKES
OF THIS ELECTIONS IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.
>> I WAS OUT OF WORK FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS.
>> Stephen: (AS HICKENLOOPER) "PLEASE, I NEED THIS JOB.
I AM IN DEEP-- I AM IN DEEP WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE.
IF I DON'T GET $200 BY NOVEMBER, SPIDER THE JUICEMAN IS
COMING FOR MY THUMBS."
TOOK MY THUMBS!
THEN BERNIE GOT HIS CHANCE, AND HE TALKED ABOUT CORPORATE POWER:
>> COMPANIES LIKE AMAZON THAT MADE BILLIONS IN PROFITS DID NOT
PAY ONE NICKEL IN FEDERAL INCOME TAX.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "AND ONE NICKEL IS A LOT. T
YOU CAN TAKE A STREET CAR TO THE ZIEGFIELD AND SEE A TALKIE,N
SEE A TALKIE.
AND STILL HAVE ENOUGH LEFT FOR AN EGG CREAM AT WOOLWORTH'S."
( LAUGHTER )
ATTACKED HER AND BERNIE SANDERS, ELIZABETH WARREN MADE A CALL FOR
PARTY UNITY BY SAYING THIS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP:
>> ANYONE ON THIS STAGE TONIGHT OR TOMORROW NIGHT WOULD MAKE A
FAR BETTER PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: UUUM.
EVEN THE GUY WHO THINKS HIS HEART IS IN HIS JUNK?
BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE THAT'S A GOOD CALL.
WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTHCARE, BERNIE'S A FAN OF OUR NEIGHBORS
TO THE NORTH.
>> FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM HERE, JOHN, IS A COUNTRY.
IT'S CALLED CANADA.
THEY GUARANTEE HEALTH CARE TO EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD AS A
HUMAN RIGHT.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
"IT'S A MAGICAL LAND WHERE HEALTH CARE IS FREE, HUGS ARE G
MANDATORY, AND THE CURRENCY HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH MAPLE SYRUP
THAT GETS YOU HIGH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEAVER FACTORY."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
STEVE BULLOCK ADDRESSED THE HEALTH CARE ISSUE WITH A
PERSONAL STORY.
>> NEVER FORGET WHEN MY 12-YEAR-OLD SON HAD A HEART
ATTACK WITHIN 24 HOURS OF HIS LIFE.
HAD TO BE LIFEFLIGHTED TO SALT LAKE CITY, BUT BECAUSE WE HAD
GOOD INSURANCE, HE'S HERE WITH ME TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: I AM GLAD GOVERNOR BULLOCK'S SON IS OKAY.
BUT APPARENTLY STEVE BULLOCK'SY, HEALTHCARE PLAN IS TO ADOPT
EVERYONE IN AMERICA?
THEN, IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, WE'RE ALL GOOD.
( LAUGHTER )
ENTRENCHED THE CURRENT HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IS.N
>> AND BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY, THE HEALTH CARE INDUSTRY WILL BE
ADVERTISING TONIGHT ON THIS PROGRAM.
>> Stephen: WOW, FOR SOME REASON BERNIE IS REALLY MAD AT
THE ADVERTISERS.M.
"I BOUGHT A CATHETER AND LETS JUST SAY IT WAS NOT SELF-
LUBRICATING."
IT WAS LIKE INSERTING A PIXIE STICK.
YES!
IT'S SAD BUT IT'S TRUE!
AND WHEN IT CAME TO MEDICARE FOR ALL, BERNIE WAS READY TO THROW
DOWN.
>> THEY WILL BE BETTER BECAUSE MEDICARE FOR ALL IS
COMPREHENSIVE.OR IT COVERS ALL HEALTH CARE NEEDS
FOR SENIOR CITIZENS.
IT WILL FINALLY INCLUDE DENTAL CARE, HEARING AIDS, AND
EYEGLASSES.
SECOND OF ALL-- >> YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
>> I DO KNOW THAT.
I WROTE THE DAMN BILL >> Jon: OH, WOE!
>> Stephen: BOOM!
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "I WROTE THE DAMN THING, AND
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU GET DENTAL CARE, TIM, BECAUSE I JUST
SLAPPED THE TEETH OUT OF YOUR DIRTY MOUTH."
"IT'S RAINING CHICKLETS IN CHEER."
BUT JOHN DELANEY DIDN'T BUY BERNIE'S HEALTHCARE NUMBERS.
>> HIS MATH IS WRONG.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING, THAT HIS MATH IS WRONG.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE THE GUY POLLING AT 1% SHOULD BE TALKING
ABOUT MATH RIGHT NOW.
OH, REALLY.
WHOLE LOT OF DELANEY FANS HERE TONIGHT.