-Thank you very much, everyone.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for being here.
Well, guys, I hope everyone had a good weekend.
I needed a break, so yesterday I flew to Cancun and back.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, everyone is still talking about this.
Following the backlash over his trip to Cancun,
Senator Ted Cruz spent the weekend trying his best
to help the people of Texas.
-Senator Ted Cruz doing damage control
after his controversial trip to Cancun last week.
-Cruz sharing these images over the weekend,
loading water into Texans' cars,
many online critical of the post.
-Yeah, people were upset when they realized
Cruz was loading water into his car.
[ Laughter ]
"I'm gonna use this to refill my waterbed."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it seemed like an okay gesture until everyone
noticed the label on the bottles said Ritz Carlton Cancun.
[ Laughter ] A little souvenir.
Actually, Cruz wanted to do more,
but he had a parasailing lesson at 3:00, so he --
People were also upset that Cruz tweeted those pictures himself.
Even white people who only posted black squares
on Instagram were like, "You gotta do more than that."
[ Laughter ]
Ted Cruz is like the friend who offers to help you move,
but every time you see him,
he's just carrying the same box of pillows.
It's like, "I have to take this call. Can you get the table?
Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just get the heavy things."
Yep, the photo-op didn't work out too well.
Most people just drove away
when he tried showing them his vacation photos.
He's like, "You ever think you can get
behind the bar at a Senior Frog's?"
[ Laughter ]
But Cruz tried to be helpful in other ways.
Later, he showed Texans how to make frozen margs
with the snow in their living rooms.
[ Audience oohs ]
Seriously, you know Cruz is having a rough 2021
when fueling a riot at the Capitol is
nowhere near his biggest problem.
[ Laughter ]
Things are so bad for Cruz, he spent today thinking about
the good ol' days when people just thought
he was the Zodiac Killer.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Also, we're in a pandemic.
Shaking hands, handing out water, serving food.
Right now, a Carnival cruise is safer than a Ted Cruz.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Cruz is trying to redeem himself
after his Mexico trip, but I don't think it's working.
Check out what fellow Texans sent to his house yesterday.
This is real.
♪♪
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
That's real.
In honor of Cruz, they played that mariachi classic,
"El Baggo de Douche."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Cruz was like, "Play as loud as you want.
I'm in Tijuana."
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news -- I saw that Disney+ has added
a warning to a show that you might not expect.
Watch this.
-The return of the iconic "Muppet Show,"
now coming with a serious new warning --
a content disclaimer at the beginning of 18 episodes,
warning viewers of the program's "negative depictions
and/or mistreatment of people or cultures."
-Yeah, and just to be safe,
Gonzo's nose will also be blurred.
[ Laughter ]
I think they made the right move.
In one episode, Fozzie does a stand-up routine
that begins with, "hickory, dickory, dock."
[ Laughter ]
Here's some big music news.
After 28 years together, Daft Punk is splitting up.
I'm gonna be honest, they picked a pretty weird time
to stop wearing their masks.
[ Laughter ]
One of the guy's friends was like, "Don't worry.
You'll find another mute, helmet-wearing synth-pop artist
who pretends he's a robot that you can start a band with."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, get this.
I saw that a 18-karat-gold PlayStation 5 is on sale
for half a million dollars.
Here's a photo. Look at this.
Wow. Yeah.
Apparently, one of these shows up in the new movie
"Scarface: The Tween Years."
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, while most of the country waits to get vaccinated,
two women in Florida were caught trying to cut the line
in a pretty strange way.
Watch this.
-The Florida Department of Health says
two women dressed up as "grannies"
to try and get a second coronavirus vaccine this week.
The sheriff's office says the women were 44 and 34 years old,
apparently wearing bonnets, gloves, and glasses
when they went to the Orange County Convention Center.
[ Laughter ]
-The nurse was like, "Names?"
And they were like, "Uh, Grace and Frankie?"
[ Laughter ]
Officials got suspicious when the women didn't call six times
to confirm the appointment.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah.
-Yeah, the women gave themselves away
when they seemed unfamiliar with CBS's prime-time lineup.
[ Laughter ]
In Florida, the only way to prove that you're a senior
is if you have a lower back tattoo of Andy Williams.
Wait, that's not true. Are you sure?
And finally, this is strange.
I saw that federal agents in Ohio just made
a pretty, pretty surprising discovery. Check this out.
-Customs agents in Cincinnati found something stronger
than sugar on a shipment of Corn Flakes.
The cereal was topped with 44 pounds of cocaine
worth nearly $3 million.
-It's serious.
The suspects are expected to receive a sentence of 20 years
to cinnamon life in prison.
[ Laughter ]
I think the whole incident explains why
the Corn Flakes mascot went from a rooster to this.
[ Rooster crowing ]
[ Laughter ]