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Welcome to "CP Time,"
the only show that's for the culture.
Today, we will be discussing music.
Without it, your Beats by Dre headphones
would just be $200 earmuffs.
Now, we all know
that the best music is made by black people
and that white folks love to steal it.
They stole jazz.
They stole rock and roll.
They even stole something called mumble rap,
which I'm unfamiliar with,
but it contains the word "rap," so I'm sure I'd hate it.
But as much as we get angry at white people
for stealing our music,
we must also realize
that it has saved us from a lot of shame
because there are many embarrassing musical genres
with black roots
that black people should be glad white folks took.
For example, electronic dance music,
or EDM,
which is just loud thumping that never ends.
If that's supposed to be music, then the construction gentleman
jackhammering the concrete outside my house at 7:00 a.m.
is Mozart van Beethoven Bach.
But even though EDM is identified with white culture,
it was actually created in the gay black dance scene
in 1980s Chicago,
led by Frankie Knuckles.
But the fact remains that EDM is horrible.
Although I'm told that EDM is more enjoyable
if you are under the influence of a drug called Molly.
Now, of course, a man of my stature
has never taken the Molly...
until now.
My nephew procured some from his middle school.
I don't know how many of these you're supposed to take.
Take one?
Let's do seven.
(laughter)
I don't really feel anything, but she's got a good crunch.
And white people didn't just steal music from black people.
They stole musical instruments, too.
For example, the banjo.
The banjo derives from instruments
used by West African slaves since the 17th century.
But then white people adopted it,
and now, ironically, the sound of the banjo today
tells black people where they shouldn't be.
(playing "Dueling Banjos")
If you ask me,
white people should be grateful for the banjo.
Without it, bluegrass music would just be
putting on overalls and using a washboard.
That ain't music.
That's just chores.
Which is actually another thing
that black people did very cleverly.
We tricked white people into doing chores.
"Hey, master, look at how much fun I'm having
"on this washboard, master. You want a turn?
It's called music."
(laughter)
Next up is square dancing.
And I know that when you think of square dancing,
you think of tight jeans and cowboy hats
and senior citizens getting their freak on.
But it was actually black slaves that learned square dancing
and taught it to their white masters.
Although, if you ask me,
I think that the slaves taught it to the white people
so that they would be too tired to beat them.
White people get very exhausted trying to find the beat.
Can't find it on the one and the three.
So, white people,
we know that you love stealing our music.
But be careful,
because sometimes it backfires on you.
I mean, just look at this person trying to twerk.
So horrible.
So erotic.
I think the Molly has arrived.
Oh.
I can smell my own emotions.
(inhales) Mmm.
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
This has been "CP Time."
And remember, we're for the culture. Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I need a glowstick.
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