- Hey everybody.
Today's video is the third video of a four-part series,
All About Sex.
And this video in particular is about the fear of sex
as well as what is Asexuality?
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Now if you're new to my channel and you haven't subscribed,
make sure that you do that
and also turn on those notifications
so that when I post a video,
you hear about it.
But let's jump into today's topic.
When I asked a lot of you what questions you had
or what issues you wanted me to talk about
with regard to sex,
a lot of you had questions about the fear of sex.
Many of you stating that you felt like you were too old
to be a virgin
or that you didn't have any interest in sex in general
and you wondered if that was a result of your abuse.
So, now I'm gonna talk a little bit about Erotophobia,
otherwise known as the fear of sex.
Now there are many reasons
that someone could fear a sexual encounter
or fear sex in general.
But I'm gonna talk about the main four.
And the first is, fear of intimacy.
And the fear of intimacy could be just because we're afraid
that if someone gets too close to us,
then they'd really have the ability to hurt us
or we may worry that they might not like us
when they really get to know us.
There could be a lot of reasons
that we fear someone getting close to us,
but this could definitely make sex extremely scary.
And the second reason is abuse or assault in our past.
And you can kind of understand this
because again, by letting someone get that close to us,
we're making ourselves vulnerable.
And if we had abuse or assault in our past,
we can fear that we're setting ourselves up
to have it happen again.
And the third reason is
fearing that we're not gonna be good at sex.
And I know for many of you
that might sound silly,
but just think about it.
If we haven't engaged in sex at all
and we think that we're a little older than most people,
chances are when we have sex with someone,
they've probably already had sex before
and many worry that they're not going to,
you know, meet the criteria or be good enough.
And that may just be something
that's too hard for people to hear.
Because again, sex can make a lot
of people feel very vulnerable.
And if we let someone that close to us,
bet that intimate with them,
we wanna please them and we don't wanna hear
that maybe it wasn't that good
or they don't call us again.
That can all be very, very scary.
And the fourth and final reason for this video,
but obviously, there can be many, many more reasons.
The fourth reason is the worry
that the sex itself could hurt.
And I heard from many of you
that this was something you struggled with.
And in my experience with my clients
who've told me that this is a constant worry of theirs,
they also struggle with an anxiety disorder.
And I'm not saying
that this is a direct correlation for sure,
but in my experience and what you all have told me
from our KinIn community,
is that we also struggle with anxiety in general.
And so of course, if we have generalized anxiety
or we have anxiety in other parts of our life,
of course it's gonna find its way into this one.
Because, we don't know what to expect
if we haven't had sex before.
There's so many unknowns and so many things we aren't sure,
we may be afraid to ask.
All of that spinning, we can worry and worry and worry
that it's gonna hurt so bad
and then we just would rather not have it at all.
So if we find ourselves fearing sex
then what do we do?
And the truth is the best thing we can do
is see a sex therapist.
If you remember in that video with Dr. Doe,
probably like a year ago now,
when she talked about the difference
between a sex therapist and a sexologist.
I'll link it in the description
if you want to watch that again.
But a sex therapist helps with exactly this.
They're supposed to be a therapist like me,
helping you process through
and better understand where the worries or the fears
or any of that comes from
while also directing it to our sex life.
And so finding a sex therapist in your area
can be super, super beneficial.
And by talking it through with a sex therapist
and figurin' out where it comes from
and what we're thinking and what we're worried about,
we can decide if a relationship or sex
is something that we actually want at all.
Because not everybody does.
And that leads me right into our next portion
which is Asexuality and what it is.
And I don't want to get it wrong
because I did a ton of research and reading
to ensure that I stated this as correctly as possible,
but again, I'm just learning
so if I said anything wrong or something upset you,
you can let me know in the comments.
I'm happy to learn along with everyone else.
But Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others,
or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.
It can also be used as an umbrella term
to cover a variety of asexual sub identities.
Many people who are asexual
still engage in sexual behavior for many reasons.
Some of them state that it's
because they wanna please their partner.
And their partner enjoys sexual activity
and they love them.
So it's something they wanna give to them and do for them.
Others do it because they wanna have children,
but whatever reason,
know that every person who's asexual
is going to have a different idea
of what it means for them.
And so if you have questions
or if you're assuming something,
just stop and ask that person what it means for them.
Give them the opportunity to explain
what asexuality means for them.
Others are unable to become physically
or mentally aroused in any capacity
and therefore, have no interest in sex at all.
It's also important to know
that asexual people can be in romantic relationships.
Not wanting to engage in sex does not mean
that we don't want companionship
or we can't love someone else.
And lastly, if you have questions,
make sure you ask.
Obviously, we wanna make sure that it's,
you know, the relationship warrants that
and you know the person well enough.
But don't just assume.
That's when feelings get hurt and misunderstandings grow.
And there is so much misunderstanding
and confusion out there about asexuality,
and I don't wanna be the one to cause any more,
so I'm just gonna leave it at that.
This video has been brought to you
by the Kinians on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation
of these mental health videos,
click the link in the description and check it out.
If there is anything else that I missed.
Like I said, if I misspoke in any way,
you can let me know in the comments
because I'm just trying to learn along with you.
As we work together towards a healthy mind
and a healthy body.
And remember, there's a whole 'nother video coming
in this series,
so make sure you're subscribed
and your notifications are turned on
and I will see you then.
Bye.