(DJ booth warps) (audience cheering)
- Okay.
Maddy, the things you said,
some of them might have been true,
but it was this white girl
that raised the ratings, honey pie.
It wasn't you. - Not you!
(audience oohs) - All right, now.
Now old school- - That's cap.
- I'm addressing you.
I'll mess with Jessie Woo.
And Maddy, the only time my ass has ever looked fat
is when I'm standing next to you.
(audience whoops) ♪ Eat that ass up ♪
♪ Let's go, eat that ass up ♪
♪ Do the Maddy miss-step ♪
♪ Eat that ass up ♪
♪ Eat that ass up ♪ (censored)
- Ay, ay, c'mon, side to side!
♪ Eat that ass up ♪
(buzzer buzzes) ♪ Eat that ass up ♪
- Do the VMA.
Very Maddy Award.
(audience continues previous chant)
- That's not how it's done.
- Well, you know how it go.
(audience chants and cheers) (bell dings)
(bell dings quickly) (horn blows)
(indistinct) - Security!
Seat filler on stage!
Seat filler's on the stage, security!
- Oh, okay, all right.
I'm a little intimidated.
I can't believe I get to battle Cisco, but...
(audience oohs)
- Y'all, if she was a condiment, what'chu think she be?
Imma say hot sauce, cause that (censored) is burning.
(audience oohs)
- All right, all right.
I read your book.
Tell your writer I loved it.
(ref laughs) (audience oohs)
- See, there's two white girls on stage.
She's the most talented.
No, not 'cause you're funny.
'Cause you suck (censored) very well.
(audience oohs and laughs)
- You sleep well at night, don't you?
With your stepbrother, right?
(audience oohs) - [Maddy] Okay.
- You look unseasoned.
(audience laughs) - All right, all right.
You look like you (censored) out of a to-go box.
(audience oohs)
- (laughs) You look like your missionary position
and doggy style feel the same.
(audience oohs) - Oh, okay.
Hey man, your braids are falling off,
just like you did in 2004.
(audience oohs) (referee oohs)
- Shh, you look like a Damn Damn Girl.
I look at your Instagram, "Damn!"
In person, "Damn."
(audience laughs) - Oh, okay.
Those braids came with an Alicia Keys album.
(audience cheers)
(indistinct) - Wait, wait, wait.
You sure I can roast her?
'Cause soon as we start having fun, she gonna call the cops.
(teammates ooh) - Okay.
Hit Man, you look like you don't know how to read.
(teammates cackle) (audience oohs)
- Girl, you up here dressed like a hiphop soccer mom.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, why your chest look like that?
It look like the police came,
and broke your titties up and was like look,
"You go over there, you go over there.
If y'all come back, and I'm y'all together,
y'all both going to jail."
- [Maddy] Okay. - One shaky.
- Yo Rip, you're talking about my body.
I gotta say something.
Wild 'N Out goddesses,
raise your hand if you're missing a waist trainer.
Yeah, Rip stole it.
(teammates chuckles) - I found your shaky.
One shaky. (audience laughs)
- Hey, I'm just trying to get my stomach
as flat as your ass. (others ooh)
- Well first of all, yo ass built like the last drop
of the toothpaste, ugly ass girl. (chuckles)
Hold on, wait a minute. (raspberries)
(audience laughs)
You know what yo ass built like?
- Yeah? - A wet french fry.
Ugly ass girl. (indistinct)
You hate biscuits, ugly ass girl.
(audience laughs)
But you love mayonnaise, ugly ass girl.
(audience laughs) - Okay, I do, I do.
Okay, hold on, I got one more.
- No, no, no, no, no. - I got one more.
I got one more, lemme do one more.
(whistle blows) All right.
- Can I say one more thing?
- No! - I got one more thing.
(whistle blows) He's ugly.
(whistle blows) (audience cheers)
- Salt and pepper ain't seasoning, (censored).
(audience laughs)
- If you don't get your gotdamn, pumpkin spice latte,
pale face ass the (censored) up outta here.
(others laugh)
- You look like you should be vibrating
on Justina's nightstand.
(audience laughs)
- You look like Justina before MTV loved her.
- [Maddy] Oh! (audience oohs)
- (indistinct) Ooh Shuler you're like an umbrella,
'cause when I'm with you I do not get wet.
(audience ohs, laughs and claps)
- Maddy, you look like you lost your virginity
to one of your daddy's farm animals.
(audience ohs)
I know you get a little (censored) when I do this. (neighs)
(audience screams)
- Maddy, you got as much sex appeal as a handful of lotion.
And I know you got a vibrator with a can opener on it.
(audience laughs) - Let's go.
- If you don't get your flat titties, flat ass,
face pushin' 42, body still goin through puberty,
head ass up outta here.
(audience oohs)
- Okay, I just know for a fact that your feet hang off
of every bed that you lie on.
(audience cheers)
- They do!
If you don't get your
"the only meat you season is the man you have sex with
'cause yo vagina's so salty," head ass up outta here.
(audience laughs) - Your scene is
The Winner's Podium.
- All right, this is the Flat Ass Olympics,
and we have Maddy at number one.
Maddy, can I have you come down please?
Justina at number two. (audience laughs)
- At least I'm not number one.
- Kelsey, you're number three, let's go.
- Your answer is, "Signs you're dating a Karen."
(button trills)
- What is when Maddy text you back.
- We would never.
- Your topic is White People.
♪ Pick up and kill it, and kill it, and kill it ♪
♪ I have no rhythm, and I can't dance ♪
♪ My twerking looks like I have ants in my pants ♪
♪ Ants in your pants, that's from your mama ♪
♪ You voted for Trump, and I voted Obama ♪
♪ My dad's a lawyer so no one is suing me ♪
♪ I'll sue you if my food isn't gluten free ♪
♪ You said gluten free, well if you say so ♪
♪ You are so white that you bathe in some mayo ♪
- Your topic is Traffic.
♪ Pick up and kill it, and kill it, and kill it ♪
♪ This traffic's never gonna end ♪
♪ I'll show you my rear end ♪
♪ Your rear end, I'm grippin' the clutch ♪
♪ If I get your rear end, it would not be much ♪
♪ Would not be much, that's the name of my game ♪
♪ Like He-Man says, stay in your lane ♪
♪ Stay in my lane, forget that, I'm changin' ♪
♪ The way that you drive, I can tell you Caucasian ♪
♪ I am Caucasian, and I'll tell the crowd ♪
♪ Tonight, I'm riding 85 South ♪
♪ 85 South, oh you'll go insane ♪
♪ It ain't no more traffic, she ridin' the train ♪
- You're topic is Date Night.
♪ Pick up and kill it, and kill it, and kill it ♪
♪ Goin' out, Con and me ♪
♪ I hope they have a booster seat ♪
♪ Booster seat, that is no fun ♪
♪ Well I'll order burgers 'cause you have no buns ♪
♪ I have no buns, this food's not for you ♪
♪ I'll ask for a kid's menu ♪
♪ Kid's menu, well I would damage it ♪
♪ I bet you, you wanna speak to the manager ♪
(audience cheers) ♪ The backseat of my ride ♪
♪ Backseat of my ride, I ain't afraid of jail ♪
♪ Backseat of my ride, Girl, you hella pale ♪
♪ Backseat of my ride, I'm sellin' all the drugs ♪
♪ Backseat of my ride, you never met a thug ♪
♪ Backseat of my ride, you know I'm very thorough ♪
♪ Backseat of my ride, you never seen a borough ♪
♪ Backseat of my ride, you know I got my glock ♪
♪ Maddy stop, you an op, we all know that your dad's a cop ♪
(audience cheers)
- Listen, Maddy Mayonnaise.
I don't know why you're battlin'.
You're ass is so flat,
it makes Justina's look like Kim Kardashian.
- I got, hold on, I got one thing to say.
(bell dings) Charron, how come between us,
I'm the one whose more feminine?
When did they come out with an unflavored M&M?
(crowd cheers) (bell dings)
- Hey, hey come on.
Okay, but even if you are the last person on earth,
I still wouldn't tap that.
This is what I look like with the girl filter on Snapchat.
(audience laughs and claps)
- For a white guy, you think you're such a gem,
but you're my least favorite candy.
Small penis M&M.
(audience ohs)
- Ooh, slow it down.
- [Maddy] I told you guys I was cookin'.
They're cookin'. (laughs)
- Hey, another M&M joke.
Let me just remind you, you're like an M&M,
'cause you're known to have nuts inside you.
You call the cops on barbecues like, "Come through please!"
You're so white, you learned your 9-1-1s before your 1-2-3s.
(others ooh) (bell dings)
♪ Come on Maddy, you're as flat as a ruler ♪
♪ Why you talking about owls ♪
♪ You don't have any Hooters ♪
♪ I missed last season trapped on your couch ♪
♪ I was babysitting 18 cats at your house ♪
- Maddy, listen.
Some people make Vines, some people make TikToks,
but you the only person with some hard bottom Reeboks.
- Oh! (audience laughs)
(bell dings) (audience cheers)
- All right, fine, here we go.
Maddy, I don't know why you really thought you killin' me.
You told everybody you worked your ass off to get here.
We didn't know you meant literally.
(teammates yell) (bell dings)
♪ You're not as hot as you want to be, ♪
♪ but I think you're pretty terrible at comedy ♪
(teammates oh) (buzzer buzzes)
- Oh, ay, what'd you give him a buzzer for that?
♪ You got a personality like a piece of wood ♪
♪ This is how Jacob has sex ♪
♪ "Wow, that felt really good" ♪
(bell dings) (audience laughs)
Let me get clips, yeah.
- Help out, help out.
- Her rhythm is... - Okay, I got it, I got it.
Okay, right, here we go.
♪ Clips, you're walking 'round like you're the best ♪
♪ Looking like DJ Khaled without the success. ♪
Okay, hold on, ready? (bell dings)
♪ Khaled claims he doesn't go down on ladies, ♪
♪ But I bet you'd eat me if I was covered in gravy ♪
(audience cheers) (Maddy laughs)
(bell dings)
'Cause he's fat. (chuckles)
- Hold on, hold on!
♪ Yo white girl, you better look out ♪
♪ And tell your mother to stop calling the cops ♪
♪ On our cookouts ♪ - Oh.
♪ And understand that the hate is valid ♪
♪ And why the hell do your people ♪
♪ Put little razors in potato salad ♪
- Ayo Maddy, it's wild style, so watch how Imma stay on you.
Why the hell y'all got me battling Helga from "Hey Arnold"?
- Hey, where's the mic? (bell dings)
Lemme get him.
♪ He said my teeth so white, it make you look black ♪
♪ Well your ass so flat, it make Justina's look fat ♪
- Thank you! (bell dings)
- And Maddy, why would you even rap my way?
You so racist, you wouldn't even shop on Black Friday.
(audience laughs) (bell dings)
- All right, but just some good deals that day, so (laughs)
DeRay- - Yes, ma'am.
- In you I don't trust.
You so old, you (censored) dust.
(audience cheers)
(bell dings repeatedly) - That's crazy.
I knew you was gonna say that even before you began.
Hold up, wait.
You got a little dust on your chin.
(audience oohs) (bell dings repeatedly)
- Let's go, Ray!
- And Maddy, you're such a Karen, it's finally true.
When Wyclef said, "Someone call 911,"
you were like, "Don't mind if I do."
(audience laughs) (bell dings)
- She's good, don't worry about it.
- Hold on, but y'all team, every time we play, you fall.
Maddy, it's ironic that they in the WNBA,
but you the one that play with balls.
(audience laughs)
- I do though, I do. (laughs) (bell dings)
Nick, ain't no one wanna hear your whack flow.
How's it feel that a white girl raised the ratings
for your black show?
(audience oohs) - Raised the ratings
for your black show. (bell dings)
♪ Raised the ratings for your black show ♪
- DJ DeRay, cut the beat.
(DJ booth warps)
- Okay, Maddy, the things you said,
some of them might have been true.
But it was this white girl that raised the ratings,
honey pie, it wasn't you. - Not you!
- All right now, (bell dings)
Now old school- - That's cap.
- I'm addressing you.
I'll mess with Jesse Woo.
And Maddy, the only time my ass has ever looked fat is when
I'm standing next to you. - Okay.
- And you, you not a winner.
I know you a sinner.
You so white, you use ancestry.com for Tinder.
(audience cheers and laughs) (bell dings)
- Maddy, you'll be single forever.
It's sad, but it's so true.
How does it feel to be a Karen,
and no guys are karin' about you?
- Hey Maddy, you smell like two dead fish in a pond.
The only time you get action is when you insert a tampon.
(teammates whoop) (audience oohs)
- Bring the beat back.
(DJ booth plays) (censored) Maddy!
♪ Wild style, here we go ♪
♪ Nick, can you swim ♪
♪ I'm not so sure ♪
♪ 'Cause it looks like you're drowning in child support ♪
(audience cheers) - Facts.
(bell dings) - Facts.
♪ Ayo Maddy, you know that I'm all that ♪
♪ Your joke's like your ass ♪
♪ They always fall flat ♪
- All right.
Maddy, I didn't wanna say this, but I don't have a choice.
You ass is even flatter than the tone of my voice.
- Oh.