I wanted to take a little bit of a break from the YouTube drama and commentary
and it is Mental Health Awareness Month and I wanted to talk about some personal
things that I've been going through what is up everybody this is Chris from the
rewired soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution if
you're new to my channel typically what I do is I try to take topics from the
YouTube community or pop culture and I do a little commentary on it to see what
kind of lessons we can learn but something I'm very passionate about is
mental health so if you're into any of that stuff make sure you subscribe and
bring that notification about and yeah so this is gonna be a little bit of a
storytime some stuff that's been going on behind the scenes with my mental
health and the goal the goal of this video is to see you know if you're
watching this maybe you'll feel less alone maybe some of the solutions that I
have found might be able to help you but I was having like a really rough week
and just some aha moments came up and hopefully it can help somebody who's
watching this video so yeah this this last week has been really really weird
um even yeah I say probably a little bit over a week I've noticed I've noticed
this kind of this this feeling of apathy right just no feeling at all this kind
of numbness and for me sometimes when depression hits it is that numbness
where I don't feel anything I don't it's not like oh I don't get excited that I
don't get motivated I don't you know whatever it is it's not just that but
it's also like it wasn't like any sadness or any like terrible feelings or
anything like that it was just kind of Numb so last weekend I think a week ago
today I actually got to go see one of my favorite bands for like the umpteenth
time Taking Back Sunday and I remember just being at that show and not like
feeling you know what I mean like just like you know another I'm at a concert I
don't go to concerts as much anymore cuz I'm you know I'm getting a little old
right and and yeah just like the feeling wasn't there I'm like what the hell is
wrong with me and the reason this kind of freaked me
out is because I am a very like passionate person right like when I
create videos like it's because I see something
my wheels start going I'm like this is something that should be talked about
and I want to talk about it like this channel is a place for me to like toss
out ideas suggestions and all sorts of things and like I was just kind of going
through the motions I wasn't getting like super excited to make anything but
nothing was really exciting me all that much and just being fully transparent in
this video I saw it with my relationships in my life as well like I
just wasn't feeling anything well you like you know I have a son I have a
beautiful girlfriend Tris and I have you know friends and everything like that in
my life but I didn't I was a feeling like these connections what is happening
so I I've been on antidepressants / / anti-anxiety medication called lexapro
it's a non-narcotic I've been on that for the most part since I got sober
about seven years ago and I've been off it a couple times I've
been back on it for probably rough estimate like six months to a year now I
do know one of the side effects of that medication can be that kind of like
feeling of numbness and no feeling or emotion at all and so what I did was I
talked with my doctor which you should always do always do if you plan on doing
anything wonky with your medication so I was like yo this is what I'm worried
about I've done this in the past like her she
knows me like I'll cut it in half right so it's like I think a 10 milligram and
I'll just split it in half - like a 5 and I was like okay maybe this will help
me to get some more feeling now I primarily ticket for anxiety rather than
depression I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and it was
messed up as I take my meds in the morning and like halfway through the day
I started feeling really anxious so like I would take the other half of it and
then I just got stumped I'm like okay so I
I drop I decrease the medication because I'm not feeling anything and then the
feeling I get is like this extreme anxiety I'm like what the hell is going
on right so I set up an appointment with my
therapist I'm like I need to figure out what the hell is happening to me you
know because I'm sorry thinking I'm like do I need a different medication do I
need to change this like what's happening in my life you know I'm like
checking out all these like books that I have on you know mental health and
everything and I'm going through like my little toolbox and tool kit and just try
to figure out what this is and by the way for those of you who aren't aware
like when I say tool box tool kit is metaphorical like just all the different
coping strategies that we use for our mental health and so I set up an
appointment with my therapist and I start I start talking when I explained
everything that I just explained to you just about this this this feeling of
apathy no no feeling no numbness like that's nothing like it's numbness and
telling her about how to mess with my medications and like we started talking
by the way like this whole thing is why you need a damn therapist all right I
get it so important to get this outside point of view and I talk to like my
support group and things like that but like this like talking with her really
it helped click and by the way I used better help online therapy I'm an
affiliate of them too but yeah like I thought I was the most
amazing therapist and better let me get back to the story so I'm talking to her
and she asked me she's like Chris how long have you been sober again and I'm
like well next month in June it's gonna be seven years and she's just talking me
just about like you know the the research and the studies and her own
experience and she's like well you know in my experience a lot of people around
seven years like their their brain starts to change and seven years can be
a rough time for sobriety and like I got this flashback because I remember when I
first got sober I remember seeing a lot of people struggling around seven years
and I was like this is really really weird
and once you brought that up I kind of remembered that I'm like what is there
some kind of like internal addict like recovery time or just like
to go off at seven years but like for a lot of us we were using these like
mind-altering substances and your brain doesn't just instantly heal right so I'm
sitting there I'm looking at it and we start talking and she recommends next
time I talked to my doctor asked about mood stabilizers you know and I'm like
God because even though I'm very Pro medication I'm prone on narcotic
medications if possible like if you are on a medication like you know xanax or
something like that you do you just be careful just covered pill addict you
know what I read so we started talking about this and I'm like man I just I
really don't like taking medications like that's one of the reasons I've
tried to get off lexapro a few times I don't like aside from like the side
effects right like I just don't like being alive reliant upon a medication so
we're talking through that and she knows like that I'm a workaholic and
everything like that and she's like how's like your work man are you still
like working a ton am i I don't know how many of you followed me on Twitter by
the way if you're not following me on Twitter don't follow me after we wired
so but the other day like I had I was feeling this numbness during the day and
I felt this need to create because I've been pumping out like three videos a day
I felt this need to create but I didn't want to create and I sent out a tweet
because I just told myself I'm like you don't want to make a video Chris like
don't make a video and for some reason it felt like a million pounds let off my
shoulders I'm like wow like it was very freeing and then I was like in a good
mood for the rest of night but I told her about that but during my days it's
been these like ups and downs right what am I feeling and are normal like the
torn state I'm in I'm feeling like just alright mazing not terrible but
definitely not numb I'm telling her about these ups and downs that's one of
the reasons she mentioned the mood stabilizer but then she's like well
Chris like how much fun do you just like relax and I'm like well I do realize
like Tristan and I will sit down and we'll watch you know some Netflix or
whatever she just got me into the show Six Feet Under
I don't know how many of you watched that we're on Episode like 4 or 5 of
season wide but great show but like we sit down with chill
no but most of my day if I'm being honest like because she goes to school
full time I'm working right I'm creating content I you know replying to emails
and corresponding with people since my mental health break that I took
a month or two ago I've been getting back into just trying to find more
leisure time but it's not really fully leisure time because basically what I'll
do is I'll zone out playing some video games I've been playing like fortnight
or over watch and I turn in I turn on an audiobook and I was explaining to her
like just the way my mind kind of works I don't want to waste any time I want to
take every single moment and make it valuable so even if I'm playing video
games I just want to like be consuming something to educate myself and gain
knowledge which I could turn into wisdom and all these other things and she's
like Chris like do you think it's possible that you you're getting
uncomfortable when you're comfortable and it's not chaotic and it's not go go
go she's like Chris cuz you're like a really go-go-go person I'm like oh my
god I'm like that that might be it like that like I have a hard time just
chillin and after my therapy appointment like I talked with my girlfriend about
she's like yeah Chris like she's like I've noticed he's like it doesn't seem
like you're none she's like it seems like you're like restless like you're
just trying to find things to do and I'm like oh my god like I remember when I
first got sober my anxiety started to go away because when you get sober and you
start to clean up the chaos of your life like things start to chill out and I was
really uncomfortable with being comfortable my brain was used to the
chaos so one of the other topics that came up with my therapist was like those
of you who are new here some stuff went down a couple months ago but but yeah
like a couple months ago all that stuff went down and it was complete chaos it
was complete chaos just it was one of the roughest things I've ever been
through right and and that was kind of chilling out like there's still stuff
that's out there and you know I think people are still making videos about me
and everything like that but for the most part like things are chilling all
like it's I keep that out I have a very strong
support group I have friends I'm getting back into the groove of making content
and everything and one thing that's just just kind of like realization to me is I
got caught up in that chaos and then jumping back into work and my brain
hasn't like found that balance yet and man after just these kind of epiphanies
like these aha moments over and over and over again this was a few days ago when
I talked with my therapist and everything and I've been feeling great
I've just been feeling amazing like my son and I we just got back from seeing
the detective Pikachu like I said my girlfriend and I we
started watching six feet under I've been doing stuff and like I I'm feeling
again and it's almost like giving myself permission to just chill and relax and
take a break has just worked wonders for my mental health like ever since just
having these conversations like this is like talk therapy is beneficial like
working through things and having a conversation but sometimes it's
difficult to solve a problem with the same mind that's creating the problem
you see what I mean so just talking it out has been so beneficial there is one
thing to that I have changed I've noticed that my social connections have
not been as strong as they have as they usually are for example like I said when
I play video games I typically just turn on an audio book and listen and because
I want to like be educating myself and learning and gaining knowledge and I got
like some books like new books on like philosophy and this one this one new
book I'm like the state of the nation with therapy and mental illness and I'm
just like I'm always just trying to consume this stuff I've been just
cranking out books I've been going through like six or seven books a month
the past few months right and what I'm getting at is like I haven't been
playing video games with my friends like I've grown up a gamer with friends
who are gamers too and they've been sending me invites and
stuff I'm like hey I'm busy I can't I can't play like with you I'm just doing
stuff I'm like I'm sowing out just doing fortnight challenges or zoning out and
in overwash I can't even turn I even put my my Blizzard account to invisible so
people couldn't see that I was online because I would rather just sit
listening to audiobooks then interacting with my friends so this is part of that
that tool box that I mentioned where I was like wait my social connections
haven't been there so the last few days I've been really taking a break from
reading as much or listening to audiobooks as much and am i reaching out
to my friends say yo I'm back let's play let's gain and I think that is part of
it too and I've been really trying to be more present with my son with my girl
friend Tristan like in conversations and really getting those you know those
connections because I'm telling you right now like all the medications in
the world are not going to solve your depression or that numbness that I was
feeling if you don't build social connections like I'm just telling you
like we're not built as human beings for that but we need to have social
connections but yeah anyways like I'm feeling great and it's Mental Health
Awareness Month so I would be remiss if I didn't share with you what's actually
going on in my life during this time and like I said you stuck around this long
I really hope if you could relate to this story like just know there is hope
these things are gonna go up and down like something that my therapist
reminded me of - it's something I preach to all of you is mindfulness and quit
judging your experience like if I'm not feeling anything if I if that passion
isn't in me to just oh where I'd like to go make a video or to do something right
like that's cool just let it be and just relax and chill right I promise it's
actually really funny because it's since I have these epiphanies I got like
really passionate and just back into creating like once I gave myself
permission to chill then I'm like yeah I got all creative and just wanted to get
all these ideas out of meta content everything right but anyways talk to
your support group don't isolate build your social
connections and please for the love of God if you have the resources
get yourself a damn therapist all right like I said I use better help online
therapy it is great for me but listen I really do not give a damn where you get
help where you get therapy from just get help alright so if you can talk to your
doctor see if they can recommend a therapist talk to friends and family
members see if they can let them into therapists if you have insurance call
your insurance company see what therapists are in their network
therapists typically specialize in certain forms of mental illness as well
that are struggling from anxiety depression PTSD borderline personality
disorder you need to find a therapist who can help you out with that alright
anyways that's all I got for this video if you liked this video please give it a
thumbs up if you're new make sure you subscribe and ring that notification
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so so much for watching I'll see you next time